Love Is Not Enough

Context: I’m an HSP, and INFP, Enneagram 2, wing 3, and highly empathetic. I have no doubt that the HSP and empath bits are derived from childhood trauma and the total lack of a childhood, overall. However, there is no going back and reliving those lost developmental stages. And, I’ve been in therapy for over a decade and done enormous amounts of healing work and self-education. Some of us shut down after childhood traumas. They learn to hide, escaping more abuse. Others can’t. Others, like me, are required to remain fully engaged, fulfilling others’ needs and denying ourselves. Tis what it tis. We don’t choose. As much as I’d love to shut down and dissociate (not that it’s a great idea), it would be more pleasant than being fully conscious ALL OF THE TIME, fully aware of the pain of the world and see it, in real time, affect me, myself, and I.

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There was a day, many years ago, when I realized that my then-husband was never going to be happy. He wasn’t going to take the steps to make himself happy either. But, even worse than that (at the time), my love was not enough to make him happy. My words, my affection, my acts of love, my sacrifice, my hard work, my energy, my life force…you get it. He was a vampire. I awoke one morning to the image of a dementor sucking the life out of me. Our subconsciouses are pretty powerful teachers.

That is my pattern. I find someone who seems to be happy, seems to have their lives in order (enough for themselves, anyway), and I fall in love with them. They love me. I can see it. I can feel it. Or, rather, they love me as much as they CAN love me. I’ve had a really hard time delineating between the two.

But I know the difference now.

I’m an open lover. I don’t hold back when I love. You either get ALL of me, or none. I don’t half-ass love. It’s not a trite pastime. It’s a lifestyle. And I don’t just mean with partners. I love my children like this, too. I love projects, writing, singing, and creating like this as well. I cannot do things halfway.

But it’s not enough.

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The day I realized that my love was never going to cut through whatever was going on with my then-husband, was a tragic day. I felt more devastated than ever. But it was true. I was not wrong.

Yes, he was an life-source vampire. But, not by his own choosing, maybe. I allowed it (I’m an open lover). However, he had a responsibility to me as well. And to his children. Showing up, fully, as a husband and father is about as difficult as it gets.

I mean, I had a lot of training. I knew how to “wife” and “mother”. He had no idea what he was doing. Maybe he felt overwhelmed. Maybe he felt discouraged. I expect he did.

But what he did was escape. He didn’t come home when we needed him. He didn’t come to dinner when he was home. He found jobs that took him on the road. He went back to school and disappeared for about a decade at one point. He escaped, physically. He never fully engaged emotionally either.

He never faced us fully. When it got real and gritty, with four teens in the house, I was a pro at being a married single mom. I’d been practicing forever.

So I divorced him. And everything since that time has testified to me that I was right. My love was not enough. Because that’s not what he wanted. He wanted his freedom. And I gave that to him.

You are welcome, you ungrateful SOB.

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In the Beginning…of relationships, people are happy. There is excitement and energy. There is hope and sometimes dreams of a future together. And down the line, it gets real.

The unhappy return to their unhappiness, like a dog to their vomit (Proverbs 26-the Bible has some righteous similes). And then I, like some of you, am dragged down with it.

Try as we might, we return there, again and again, hoping against hope, begging all of the gods with all of the energy we can muster, that they will be happy. Because if they aren’t happy, we cannot be happy.

That doesn’t mean that we can’t do fulfilling work. That doesn’t mean that other relationships fail. It doesn’t mean that we want to quit. (I mean, it took me 25 years to quit a toxic marriage, after all)

It is exhausting, working so hard to be emotionally settled. Without that, my creativity takes a nosedive. My creativity is my superpower and always has been. When my mind feels like 10,000 squirrels took up residence, I know I am not okay.

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I would love to check out. I’d love to find a solution that would allow me to do that. Instead, I’ll stay engaged and in pain, every effing minute.

I’ll take care of me. I’ll go on my walk. I’ll do my work and homework. I’ll make plans with my kids. I’ll try to be as present with them as I can be. But I know my pain is plainly seen. I cannot fake it anymore. It hurts too much and I am too tired.

I’ve always wished that “All We Need Is Love”. But it’s not true. We each need self-love. We each need accountability. If we don’t do those first then those around us suffer, and deeply. It’s just a hard truth.

Some people think they are islands, as if their pain, anxiety, and depression to not affect anyone else. That is the most self-centered, narcissistic thinking possible. No one is an island. I’m not the first one who has said it (or sung it…)

To love others, we must love ourselves first. To love honestly, we must be honest with ourselves first. To admire others, we must admire ourselves. Respect, same. Honor, same. Adore, same.

And I know each of us has character traits to respect, honor, adore, and love. We don’t have to love ALLLLL of ourselves. A critical eye is important.

However, we must love something about ourselves. That’s the soft spot others will land in when they see your heart.

It’s a place to start.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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