Loveless, Longing, and Looking

To be known by anyone is a rare gift, to be known by a lover is something else entirely. — Anonymous

Chaos, Crying, and Cave dwelling

At the end of 2019, I was coming to the tail end of a series of bad events that began in November 2018. Here is a bullet point snippet to give you some idea of the chaos I was dealing with…

• Nov 2018 — Broke up with my girlfriend
• Dec 2018 — My younger brother has open heart surgery after just having his first child six months prior. On the off chance, you’re unfamiliar. Even with our advanced medical technologies today. You could still die on the table during open-heart surgery.
• Jan 2019 — One of my best friends of 10 years starts secretly dating my recent ex. While I let him get back on his feet by living at my house, for free.
• Feb 2019 — We discover the most heart-wrenching news, my nephew of 9 months — my younger brother’s firstborn son — has a massive brain tumor on his brainstem and it does not look promising.

This. All of this. I would be remiss to not confess the countless tears I cried. Mostly alone, only a few times with friends. This was what I spent days and months sorting through leading up to 2020. It was a rough time, for me, my family, and my community. I was broken, beaten, and left the shell of a man, yet, I was still breathing. So, I had roles I needed to fulfill during the turmoil.

As deep as the longing for a romantic partner was in the midst of all that crushing. I couldn’t muster the action to find one. Also, there is no bringing someone into a mess like that when you’re in the middle of it. It’s simply a burden of humanity that is carried with your present community.

I spent 2019 being crushed between boulders and then healing from the crushing, but I made it through. Gained some new relationships, lost some and became stronger throughout the process.

A quick break in story…
Thankfully, my brother is doing great, my nephew just turned three, and my family is weathering the world of chaos quite well considering.

The Pandemic — Dating Delay

Cut to March 2020, when we were going to shut the world down for two weeks? I thought, eh two weeks, I don’t love it, but I understand.

I had just begun thinking of dating again, but I can wait two weeks.
Then that became a month, then two, then six, and so on…
So much for that idea.

My older brother and his family of 4 and I ended up living together during the first phase of the pandemic in 2020. They came from NYC to the Midwest to escape the density of New York, due to the uncertainty of a pandemic. It was a good time to be with family but also very very tense. They ended up going back to NYC in late Aug 2020.

Just before they left I lost my job due to Covid downsizing at my company. However, I wasn’t without responsibility after they left — on top of my normal life. At this time I was also in charge of the home renovation we were all tucked away in. It’s a 108-year-old Georgian-style home. Beautiful house, more so now with the work being done to help modernize the plumbing and electrical. Regardless of my life circumstance, I jumped back on the dating apps.

It was a cemetery on the apps. Initial connections met with ghosting as far as the eye could see. Sometimes the conversations would last a few days, most never crescendoed into a first date. It was disheartening and frustrating. Thankfully in the midst of it all. I grew as a person, more into myself.

The Adventure of Dating in a Pandemic

The dating picked up in September 2020 with a few first dates out in open spaces. We were all uncertain as to what the protocol should be in the chaotic new world we were living in.

I was on three dating apps: Hinge, Tinder, and Bumble. While there was some overlap in people on the apps, there were clear divides in the types of people you’d meet on them.

• Tinder was hit it and quit it
• Bumble was casual dating
• Hinge was dating for relationships

Names have been changed in the stories below

Clarissa — The Photographer

It was mid-October when I met Clarissa. She was quick to respond when we matched on Tinder. I asked if she was up for a drink and she said, sure, how about tonight? So, we went to one of my favorite bars in town, an older gay bar that has booths in the back.

The date was full of energy and pizzazz. She was a photographer, an artist, went to the prestigious art school in our city, and knew of me by one of my photos. Apparently, she was in a class with the man who took my photo for his thesis, years prior. I was postered up in the gallery at the end of his semester for all to see, and she recognized me. Which felt pretty cool.

However, she was in the very early stages of a divorce from an abuser. I would come to find out more about it as we continued to sporadically date through the end of 2020. She was in a season that couldn’t handle a relationship. She was looking for flings to get over her ex and I was looking for a serious relationship.

What I learned…

I was ungrounded in my time with her. Not externally — pressuring her for security. Rather I felt the unease of knowing we’d spoken about getting off tinder to just date each other, but then found out she was still on it, and regularly active. I don’t blame her, she was a wall covered in years of wallpaper that were slowly being removed. She’d been through a lot. That said it wasn’t a good fit for either of us. The time we shared though, was good and taught us both things.

I began hunting my insecurities like a hound dog. They caused me anxiety and doubt. They made me fawn over when she’d text next. Wondering if she was going to take the few months we’d gotten to know one another and simply ghost me since I hadn’t heard from her in a week. It was challenging, but it was really great for me long term.

Jenesis — The Funniest Girl in the South

I had a series of one-off dates here and there. Nobody stuck around, be it them not interested in me, or vis-versa. Until early 2021 when I reconnected with Jenesis.

Now we need to take a quick side quest first to gather a frame of reference.

I was not the type of person to delete my account on these apps every week to renew the algorithm as some people do. I kept my accounts open. So on Hinge, I had a long list of women I’d chatted with. Every so often I’d think of a new tactic to try and capture new attention.

One of the key elements with humans is we all spend attention. One way or another, we’re spending our attention. Most of us waste it on social media, some of us on dating apps, or sports even. Frankly, time in the form of attention is something we all have.

As my career in marketing has taught me. If you can capture the attention, you can move toward your goal — whatever that might be. In this case, it was moving from the app to a first date. So I used one of my attention tools on the list of women I was still interested in getting to know.

• “Hey! Quick question before we ghost each other 👻 …”

Then you wait.

Well, it was a similar line that brought her attention back to me. In addition to a few well-timed conversations where she was actually on the app, I had her laughing. She agreed to dinner and drinks in her city which was about 45 mins south of me. We set the date for a few days time, swapped numbers, and chatted in between.

On the date, we had a riot. She was witty, sassy, quick, and smart. She was raised highly conservative — think Amish but one step toward civilization. I felt like I had her attention at the end of the night so I swept in for the second date. Which she joyfully agreed to.

The second date came and again we had a hell of a time bonding. Ebbing between laughing and deep conversation about our pasts. It was something to behold. The night ended and she wanted to make out. Which we enjoyed for a few quality minutes. As we moved into the goodbye phase, I invited her up to my city. She quickly became hesitant and standoffish. I could feel it had ended. Turns out she wasn’t looking for anything serious and she had a cycle of about 3 dates and then moved on.

What I learned…

This too helped me identify some of my insecurities old and new. One was feeling unable to be loved. Another was wondering if I was communicating in a form that was received as pressure rather than a possibility. I promptly hunted down and dealt with those internal elements too. All in all, finding a relationship during the pandemic has proven difficult.

Sofia— The California Dream

There was a drought of romance between Jenesis and Sofia. I uninstalled the dating apps in late summer of 2021. I wanted a break from the disappointment, energy drain, and tattered hopes. So I didn’t worry about it, I chose to be present with my life and routines.

Until I was browsing Instagram one day in mid-September. Clicking through an account I follow. I opened one post that just made me laugh and laugh. I clicked on the people who also liked it and browsed around for scoping babes. I found one and poked through her photos briefly. She had a cute cat in her story and I commented on it.

I followed her and kept commenting on the stories she posted and we struck up conversations. Eventually, she snapped at me, asking what my “deal was” and I responded with I’m interested in getting to know you…

I didn’t perform a full detective search on her as I’d given up on dating for the time. I did however find her attractive and would be interested in dating her. The problem was she lives on the west coast and I in the Midwest.

Well, happenstance was on my side. As it turns out, she used to live in my city, has a few very close girlfriends who still live here, her parents live a couple of hours away from this particular city, and she was coming to town soon. I promptly suggested we have some in-person dates if she was going to be in town. Which, she was…

Our first date was wrapped with sushi, joking, and spontaneous weird accents. Spending time with her was a breath of fresh air. She went back to the west coast and we continued to have long-distance dates. Often we’d plan on watching something but instead, we’d just talk for 3 hours. There have been countless dates like that. Easy and comfortable, like a warm blanket on a brisk autumn day. She was back to visit over Christmas break too.

What I learned…

It’s such a different feeling when you feel free to be yourself with someone. She has given me space to share openly and honestly without judgment. It really is different when you’re with someone you can trust. The experience is joyful and authentic. It’s a place where you know you’re cared for.

It’s a place not just to stay, but, a place where you’re wanted and celebrated.

If you found this helpful consider joining Medium. If you use my link I receive a small commission. Check out my other work below and Thanks for reading!

—

Previously Published on medium

You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project

Compliments Men Want to Hear More Often

Relationships Aren’t Easy, But They’re Worth It

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

..A Man’s Kiss Tells You Everything

—

Photo credit: iStock