Do men’s insecurities teach women they aren’t good enough?
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I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard women say it. I heard it again the other day in my office from a client. I’ve heard it from friends. It doesn’t matter how smart, how fun, how caring, how successful, or how attractive women are. They believe it…”I am unlovable.”
These women that have so much going for them. And yet they believe that no one wants to be with them.
From one perspective it is difficult to understand how they can come to this conclusion. How they can not see all that they have to offer to a partner? However, as I listen to their stories I begin to see why they believe it. It is because men have told them they are. Over and over and over again.
I’m sure most men will claim that they’ve never said a woman was unlovable. And that’s probably true…at least with those exact words.
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How many of you have ever claimed a woman was over-emotional, over-reacting, too demanding, high maintenance, clingy, crazy, controlling, or irrational?
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But what about in other words? How many of you have ever claimed a woman was over-emotional, over-reacting, too demanding, high maintenance, clingy, crazy, controlling, or irrational? Maybe you’ve told a woman that no one could live up to her expectations.
If these comments aren’t enough, men back them up with some tired tropes about relationships. I hear them in therapy all too often. A good relationship shouldn’t take so much work. I don’t want to have to talk about everything. There shouldn’t be so many ups and downs…why can’t we just be happy? She just wants to complain, while I want to fix the situation for her. I spend time watching TV or playing video games in the room with her, how much more of my time does she want?
Instead of saying, “I don’t want the same things in a relationship that you do,” too often men feel the need to tell women that what they want is wrong or bad. Giving that framing, how can women hear anything other than, “you are unlovable?”
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I don’t want to have to make myself vulnerable enough to connect emotionally or to be present with you.
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What gets overlooked is the fact that we can spin the male perspective in the same way men often spin what women are asking for. I don’t want to do the work it takes to be in a relationship with someone as smart, strong and in touch with their emotions as you are. I don’t want to have to be on my toes or be challenged to keep up with you. I want to take the easy way out. I don’t want to have to make myself vulnerable enough to connect emotionally or to be present with you.
Those are exactly what those criticisms of women are really about. It isn’t that the women are bad, or over the top. It is that many men don’t want to do the work it takes to be with a strong, smart, independent woman. And to feel good about themselves, they frame their partner as the one that is not normal. It is how they justify their unwillingness to work harder.
The difficult part is that they often get away with it. This has been going on for so long that many women buy into it to. They hold themselves back, they don’t show their intelligence or personality because they have been taught that men won’t like it. Men use the fact that some women do that as evidence that other women are asking for too much. It is a damaging cycle.
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Despite the fact that in the end many men don’t want to do the work it takes to be with them, men are often wildly attracted to smart, strong, intelligent, passionate, authentic women.
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Unfortunately it gets worse. Despite the fact that in the end many men don’t want to do the work it takes to be with them, men are often wildly attracted to smart, strong, intelligent, passionate, authentic women. Men see the positive energy, fire and authenticity and want to be a part of it. They will virtually orbit those women just to be around them.
When those men come to realize that this type of woman takes more than they are able or willing to give, it seldom ends well. The attraction is still there, but men don’t want to accept that it is their lack of effort that is the issue. They’d rather criticize the woman for having the very traits that made her attractive in the first place.
Some men simply fade away, leaving the woman to believe she was undesirable. Other men revert to those same claims about how it is the woman’s fault. They tell women that they want too much and are being unreasonable.
Then there are the men rushing for a monogamous relationship. If the woman says no, he can resort to the claims of how she’ll never find a man. If she says yes, it not only helps eliminate competition, it also adds claims of obligation and commitment to their arsenal to defend not putting effort into the relationship..
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Women that aren’t afraid to show that they have intelligence, passion and more are given the message they are unlovable.
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However it plays out, the cycle is perpetuated. Women that aren’t afraid to show that they have intelligence, passion and more are given the message they are unlovable.
It doesn’t have to be this way.
There is a different type of man. One who believes that a woman like this is worth investing time and energy into. That having a woman like this in his life makes him a better man. That there is value in having to stay on his toes, having to think, having to make an effort. That a relationship like this is not only worth the effort, but substantively different than anything he’ll experience elsewhere.
Even if you don’t want to invest the effort it takes, own your choice. Don’t pin the fact that you won’t work for what you are attracted to on her. Instead of telling her she is somehow flawed or less than, respectfully admit that you aren’t interested in investing in a relationship with her. Don’t protect your own ego by crushing hers.
After all, what kind of man do you want to be?
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Unedited Photo: Flickr/Ashley Webb
Irrational overemotional high maintenance clingy needy demanding … these behaviors get to be reinforced during therapy that they are OK and partner needs to jump on the roller coaster with them ? How about both t choosing to work on emotional health for the betterment of the relationship.
this is a shit article. there’s no sense in being with a toxic woman they will destroy you from the inside, then leave for someone else. she has to hit rock bottom and truly believe that her actions are unworthy of love, so that she can get her ass in therapy and work on some self love, start making some healthy decisions for herself, so that she can be a mentally and emotionally healthy human being and attract someone similar. you’re doing women a great disservice by enabling them saying this kind of shit, and doing men a disservice by… Read more »
There comes a point in every relationship were responsibility must be taken by both parties. IE both people need to work at it. While its true, there are some men who like to remain in the victim mentality its also equally true that women remain there too. Some people, of any gender, can be needy, manipulative, controlling, overemotional, but the message they take from that is up to them. It does not mean ‘I am unlovable’ when a person breaks up over these reasons. It does not mean “I am unlovable’ when you break up many times over these reasons.… Read more »
Thank you thank you thank you I have been unable to climb from this black hole of hurt.. and this is the first thing I’ve read that made me feel like Im not crazy. I wish someone else I know could read it!
Is it at all possible that when we are babies, our parents tell us we are beautiful, handsome, clever, deserving, amazing in every way and we shouldn’t take any shit from anyone because of the amazingness we offer. Ok so a generalisation, but I think that message is interpreted differently by men and women. The ‘bad’ men referred to in many comments below see it as permission to behave in a narcissistic manner, and the ‘bad’ women see it as the good ones know they are worth something so should work hard to get it, and the not so good… Read more »
This is such bullshit. I’m so tired of articles painting women as these objects of worship that men have to compete for, like we men are just expendable objects to be discarded and women are objects of worship to be placed high up on a pedestal. Maybe if women would stop throwing themselves at scumbags, drug addicts, and ex-convicts, giving them everything and then giving good men nothing, while expecting the good men to give her everything, we actually would try harder. But, what man in his right mind is going to work harder and jump through all of the… Read more »
Let’s analyze this comment a bit, shall we? ” I’m so tired of articles painting women as these objects of worship that men have to compete for, like we men are just expendable objects to be discarded” This is what is known as a “strawman argument”. “Maybe if women would stop throwing themselves at scumbags, drug addicts, and ex-convicts… ” Do you know any women? “we actually would try harder.” Is this the royal “we”? Who exactly are you presuming to speak for? “what man in his right mind is going to work harder and jump through all of the… Read more »
Many boys who think they are decent and nice are usually absolute douches themselves.
I agree
Yes. So many ‘good men’ EXACTLY like this one. Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Thank you for articulating it so clearly!
Sorry Paul. But you sound just like a woman with a mans name. Never EVER heard any of you feminist cuckold males ask women to expend THEIR energy to love their husbands.
I think what you fail to understand here is the number of women who have come from families where the father was a complete douche to their mother, and that is their template for what a healthy relationship is. Women do not pick douches because they want one…they pick them because that is what they are most familiar with. Anyone who is actually decent makes them feel uncomfortable because they aren’t a douche. It’s great that you feel free to express yourself about this, and I would like to say that I wish more men would do some research into… Read more »
Exactly
What a wonderful article. It’s so refreshing to see a man seeing a woman’s perspective to clearly and with such understanding. I think for single women over 45, there is also the message that you are no longer desirable, as it is very hard to find a partner after that age. Our worth is far too tied up in our looks and being a support for what men want in their lives
You know what strikes me in this article? This rings of trying to fix and change people instead of accepting very real limitations. While I am older (50’s) and my partner is ahead of me a few years, I don’t expect him to fill the role of my therapist or best girlfriend, and yet he does express his love for me, he appreciates all my aspects and proudly helps me the best he can when I need some support either physically or emotionally. I feel very loved and supported. That being said, we’ve both had to grow up and have… Read more »
This made me barf in my mouth, Grade A++ shite brought to you by another person with a piece of paper, an empty head and a hate on for the dudes. Right, says the man or woman with romantic difficulties, it’s the other people I’m dating and not me that’s the problem! It can’t be that I choose poor partners, am a poor partner myself or have unrealistic expectations. For instance, if a woman is with a man who outright tells her that she over emotional, over reacting, too demanding, high immanence, clingy, crazy controlling or irrational then it can… Read more »
Couldn’t have said it better myself.
you seem to have a deep rooted hatred for women, particularly those who attend college and work. Ironically those who attend college and work would have more life and educational skills to pass on to children, if, as you say, marriage is all about raising children
I don’t know exactly how I feel about this. Can’t say I buy into the whole battle of the sexes thing as presented. I know men and women like this. Also, the whole lazy-man theory is more of a: “I could do the work, I just don’t want to with you” thing. Which is really a pretty reasonable concept if you take the emotional sting out of the equation.
Absolutely true. Thanks for confirming.
These kind of men you are talking about are NARCISSIST assholes who hate that a woman can be better than them and they must bring her down at any cost. You are right about the ego part. It’s funny because I’m the type of guy who would immensely appreciate the type of women that you are describing in your article. And yet I fell prey to narcissists who do exactly what you say about those men. This problem is far deeper and far worse than you can imagine. They say that about 1% of the general population are narcissists, but… Read more »
Seems to me western society worships the narcissist personality (how many top politicians and media figures are narcs?). Encountering or dealing with a family member who are clinical Narcs can be devastating. Our society needs to take a step back and begin to value doing good over having the goods. Choosing personal responsibility for our happiness rather than blaming. Respect and boundaries over flighty sexual attraction. In my honest opinion.
The crux of this piece can’t be said enough! ‘Instead of saying, “I don’t want the same things in a relationship that you do,” too often men feel the need to tell women that what they want is wrong or bad’. Yup. Let’s have enough self-awareness to know what we really want. It does seems — to me — like a stretch to say “you’re too demanding” becomes “you’re unlovable.” That latter message was installed much earlier on in our lives, when people we depended upon as children couldn’t provide for our needs for love and belonging. Men believe we’re… Read more »
I agree
I admit I have not read the entire list of comments, but there are a few thoughts I’d like to express as a fellow therapist. Firstly I am 100% in agreement that men need to take responsibility for their own feels and emotions. They need to do their end of the work, both in their relationships, and in themselves. The action of blaming another for one’s own shortcomings – be they male or female – serves only to feed the ego’s protection and not the true self. That being said, there are two people involved in any assignment of blame.… Read more »
I am interested to hear a little bit more about your observation. I am trying to learn from it, but I think that an example might be helpful (illustrating the role of the person accepting the blame). For my part, at first the blame just bounced off of me. After a few more incidents, I found it strange. I wanted to be ‘nice’… thought I might be over-reacting… ignored red flags. It had a cumulative effect, the blaming. The over-used analogy of the frog in the slowly heating water comes to mind. Seemingly suddenly, I found myself acting in a… Read more »
I agree about taking responsibility by both parties involved….it’s the mature thing to do. And ppl, if you can’t do that, you need to spend some time alone and grow yourself up…heal your inner child somehow, give it the love it needs yourself, don’t heap that burden on someone else, in my honest opinion.
There so many points that hit home in this article that I think that I will need a bit of time to digest it before reading it a second time. I have had this experience with men that I have been dating multiple times, sometimes subtly, sometimes not-so-subtle. The last one kicked my butt a bit and I discovered after we broke up that I had ended up feeling like ‘less’ from our having been together, rather than ‘lifted up’ in any way. It often leaves me wondering if their mothers doted on them when they were young and they… Read more »
I haven’t read the comments but think I can predict the comments that follow . The thing that sits with me after reading it is the idea that there is a common dynamic thay women are trying to get something that they arent getting. In my opinion, if both sexes think a bit about what they want in a partner and use birth control, then we will be in a better position for a relationship. Dont just jump in because you are lonely. Or at least use birth control
By “birth control” I’m going recommend condoms since taking the birth control pills has huge cumulative side effects on women’s health.
Relying solely on women taking a birth control drug to save the day is shirking your responsibility to yourself and the situation.
It seems this message board is chock full of highly threatened, highly defensive males who feel incredibly uneasy by accessing the emotions necessary to understand the content of this excellent, accurate article.
Jay, Thank you!! This spoke to me a lot, though I know you’re getting a lot of flack for speaking about this aspect of relationships that you’ve noticed. In fact I experienced it this morning and was discussing it with a group of friends just an hour before stumbling on your piece. I can’t explain succinctly enough here what it has meant to me and all of my friends who have read it! It reminds us what to look for in a partner of whichever sex. Though I know women can diminish men too, it certainly doesn’t make your observations… Read more »
As an Equalist (gender neutral version of Feminist), articles like this bother me. I have been suffering from depression over the last while and part of that included feelings of being unlovable. I expected therefore to be able to relate and empathise with this article. Instead I find that I am not entitled these feelings as I am a male. My role is to create such feelings in women by my stereotypical behaviour. Pieces like this only serve to reinforce and engender (is that a pun?) inequality by presenting a black and white version of the female and male experience.… Read more »
This article is spot on and has clearly triggered a lot of people reading it. Thank you for a beautfiully honest article.
I am a woman who thinks she is unlovable… but I don’t blame men, indeed I’ve had just one relationship, but he never told me stuff like this (indeed, he was cheating in another woman with me but I never knew, whatever). So I don’t think it is because of the kind of words or expressions you mentioned . I think I’m unlovable because I’m not pretty enough to be approachable, I mean, men wouldn’t take their time to know me better or deeper because I’m not pretty at first… and that’s it.
It’s pretty simple, really; if you’re going to write an article that criticizes, you have to address the opposing point of view, or you’ll undoubtedly be guilty of hypocrisy. As you’re writing “this is what men do to women,” you should be thinking, and at some point addressing “do women do the same to men?,” and “is there a valid reason for what men do to women?” Leaving the subject as it is begs the conscientious reader to ask the questions for himself. I read at half of it before I gave up, thinking several versions of “what? the expectations… Read more »
100% agree. I am not sure what’s the purpose of articles like this in a website called “The Good Men Project”, when point at men as all the sources of evil. And yes, it complains about women feeling unlovable after they have passed their prime… welcome to real life, ladies! That’s what most men have to endure for the whole lives when facing rejection.
It seems you have a deep rooted hatred of mature/older women. That’s a shame, presumably your mother is one.
Seems to me the message is clear. Men need to step up because women are oppressed. Funny to think about how so many women are toxic and treat men so badly, and yet men are demonized and belittled.
I just love it how in an article where the person is pointing out where men gaslight and blame women, things have been turned around to make the writer out to be gaslighting and “emotionally abusing” men? Hilarious. Are you that incapable of owning where you are insensitive and thoughtless with women. It cannot always be all our fault. You do realise that don’t you. Is it really that hard to own up to your own faults and flaws that you need to attack other men when they have the balls to call out the behaviour?
I believe the purpose of this article is not to demonize men, but simply to explain that they should be more thoughtful in some of their interactions with women they care about. As someone who has frequently felt unlovable for many of the reasons described, a little sensitivity and compassion would have done wonders.
This is Great article. Exactly. I am this type of woman, I know, my mother know, my father and brother know, and many else. But, I was, have been afraid of showing it for whole my life. My father was the one who tortured me in the first place by not giving me enough love. There are just too many men in the world who doesn’t like it if I show my passionate and strong anything. I always wondered “what should I do”. Now reading this article ..feels like I am supported. I want more to be supported! Can you… Read more »
I suspect the following: Many men here hear clingy and think ClingyX: Extremely smothering, wants a huge amount of your attention to the point it is draining you, and probably linked to abusive levels of controlling behaviour. This level of clingy is bad to most people and is abusive. Many women hear clingy and probably think ClingyY: A much smaller amount of attention desired than what the ClingyX type people are, without that abusive level of control demanded. Also probably used by a man who has tried to gaslight them before or invalidate them. This level of clingy isn’t wrong… Read more »
Archy
I am off point now,but here is an audiobook you should listen to one day you have the time
“The origins of war in child abuse”
by Lloyd DeMause
It is psychohistory, the history of child abuse and its consequense for individuals and the society.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8oLl4oppAv4&list=PLMNj_r5bccUzkzbMKU1PH2jgs0qPJu4e5
I recommend it anyone here on GMP.
Archy
I am not sure if I understand you correctly.
Do you say women do not experience gas lighting often?
I really don’t know and it never happened to me,
,but on the webpages where some women gather to hate the men they call sociopaths( their ex), there seems to be many women that experienced gaslighting.
I think we should not call anyone crazy. In my language crazy means insane,mad…
If you think a friend or lover is so severely emotionally troubled then you should help them get proper professional help ,and not abuse them .
I have no idea on the rate of gaslighting towards women, I don’t think I made a reference to it? I mean that it seems women get gaslighting more, and men have crazy women abusing them more in this particular niche area. I dunno how to make what I said more clearly, what parts in particular were confusing?
In my language, crazy means insane and abusive, which is how I use it.
Hi Archy I misunderstood what you said about gaslighting. And yes, I think men and women often are cruel to each other in different ways. We know each others weak spots so to say,and often they are not same. And one more thing: I reason why I gave a link to a audio book is because it gives fact about how children have been abuse by their parents historically, by mothers and others. . I have only listened to the first hour and do not know if it is good research. I think the causes of war are more complicated… Read more »
There’s a lot more physical violence done to male children, and after a certain age (around puberty) there is a MASSIVE drop in the amount of physical contact a male gets in general. Post puberty girls and women tend to have more physical contact (hugs, etc) and MUCH more allowance for discussion of emotions so I’d say they have less “bottled up”. Whereas post-puberty boys and men are often told to man up, bottle up their emotions, get less hugs from friends (homophobia plays a role here) and I’d say that has a huge effect on how the rage can… Read more »