An acquaintance asked, “What are you doing at home during Coronavirus lockdown?”
I told her, “My husband and I play Checkers.”
“Isn’t that nice of him!” she said.
But it isn’t nice of him. It’s kind of him. There’s a big difference between niceness and kindness. You see, Checkers holds a special place in my heart.
Growing up, Mom and I played Checkers a lot. She usually beat me, fair and square. As she aged, Alzheimer’s hijacked her mind. Still whenever we were together, we played Checkers. Sometimes she’d beat me, not exactly fair and square. I’d occasionally ‘miss’ a jump. Or I’d move my black checker in front of her red one and feign stupidity when she’d triumphantly jumped me.
Two weeks before she died, we played Checkers. She pushed her checkers randomly around the board: Sometimes moving her red checkers and sometimes moving my black ones or sometimes landing on a red square and sometimes landing on a black square. When the last checker remained, I declared her the winner.
She smiled, laid her hand on her chest, and said, “Champ! Fair and square!”
I said, “You will always be The Champ, Mom.”
So when my spouse plays Checkers with me, he isn’t being nice, he is being kind.
Niceness is outwardly motivated. Niceness is manipulative. Dr. Robert A. Glover in his book No More Mr. Nice Guy explains that Nice Guys deal in covert contracts that go something like this: “I will do (fill in the blank) for you, so that you will do (fill in the blank) for me.” At best, niceness is transactional. At worst, niceness is ruthlessly manipulative. It’s a marketing tool employed to get a return on your investment of being nice. Does it sound like I’m knocking niceness? I am. Truth be told, I prefer nastiness to niceness. At least nastiness is genuine. Dr. Barry Corey in his article ‘The Difference between Nice and Kind—and Why It Matters’, explains that “Kindness is not a duty or an act.”
I don’t deserve nastiness nor niceness. I deserve kindness. Kindness is not a disingenuous cover for an ulterior motive. Kindness comes from a genuine place of caring and love. Not that kindness won’t pay off in unexpected ways. It is true, for example, that when my husband plays Checkers with me, the odds increase that I will ‘King him’ later. You heard that right: Being kind is caring and loving and leads to a richer relationship that includes love-making.
Kevin Ellerton, in his article ‘Nice VS. Kind-What Is the Difference between Niceness & Kindness’ writes, “Kindness is rooted in love, niceness is rooted in fear.” He goes a little farther, saying, “Sex doesn’t come naturally to nice people. Niceness is a coldly logical left-brained phenomenon. Sex is a much more heated, emotional, right-brained experience. Sex and the left-brain intersect in the realm of power, instead of love.” He completes that thought with, “If you want to have a good relationship, learn to be kind.”
Emptying the trash is nice. Changing a poo-poo diaper is nicer. But let’s be real, you empty the trash or change a diaper out of fear. Right? If you don’t empty the trash or change a diaper, you fear repercussions. What repercussions? Oh, maybe something like, “Sorry I’m too tired to cook tonight because I had to lug the trash can to the street.” Or perhaps, “I can’t explain it but poo-poo diapers give me a headache! It’s the weirdest thing.” Niceness doesn’t nurture a loving relationship. If you want to build a loving relationship, show loving kindness.
Of course, not every spouse or significant other likes Checkers. Maybe your special person would like you to join him or her on a walk. Or maybe she or he wants you to read the same Grisham novel and talk about when you figured out who-done-it. Or you could eschew your frivolous flirtation with that cute server at Chop House and give your dinner date your undivided attention. Or maybe a great back rub is your sweetie’s heart’s desire. Whatever it takes, show kindness. Share joys. Hurt when he or she hurts. Feel for him or her. Be real. Be present. Grow a great relationship in kindness.
In his book Not Nice, Dr. Aziz Gazipura writes, “The opposite of nice is not to be a jerk, or an asshole.” He continues, “The opposite of nice is knowing who you are, what you believe in, and what you value.”
Value the loved ones in your life. Be kind. Show them that despite their flaws and shortcomings, you value them. And expect them to show you that despite your flaws and shortcomings, they value you.
It’s your move: Be kind.
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