—
There is no difference between “you need to harness your sacred masculine energy” and “man up, bro.” None.
Your energy, whatever that is, is neither masculine nor feminine. Sorry. You can yell, scream, fight, cry, sing, dance and build all you want, your energy still will not have hormones, chromosomes, self-identity, or anything else that will give it a gender.
If I hear one more person telling someone else to summon their feminine energy or harness their masculine energy, I’m gonna throw something at them. Like a girl. Your energy does not have a gender, it’s just a series of attributes – adjectives if you will – that make you who you are, in all of your complex and unique humanity.
Your energy has no gender. That idea is a manmade construct, and it doesn’t serve anything.
♦◊♦
In my last days of online dating, before meeting the man I would eventually marry, I sat across from a young scientist who was my kind of “hot.” He was geeky, really smart, funny and fit.
We were discussing gender roles, and all was going relatively well, until he said something general about how, even in botany, the female flowers are, by nature, receptive; the nurturing life force. Even though he somehow seemed not to grok that they were only female because some botanist hundreds of years ago had assigned them that gender, using nomenclature that was manmade and steeped in gender, I could have given it a pass. Until he tried to convince me that there was some larger meaning in the nature of the feminine that arches over plants and animals alike, unfurling tendrils of gendered specificity around humans and their precious sexy bits.
Were it not for my second or third cocktail, I would have turned into a Venus Flytrap.
I mean, someone could have just as easily decided that those with the long, fleshy, goo-squirting parts were called “women” and the ones without them were called “men” and nothing would really have changed. We could have all been Flergubbings, differentiated only by a few specific biological functions, for that matter. Flergubbings that each play a different role in perpetuating the species, or don’t, but are otherwise pretty much the same in their capabilities. The label is arbitrary. And it is NOT consistent across the plant kingdom, or the animal kingdom or the people kingdom. (And yes, I know that’s not a thing.)
It certainly isn’t consistent across human cultures throughout time and space. This idea we have of delicate and nurturing female energy is a blip on the scene. (And don’t try to tell any woman that the act of gestating and birthing life is in any way delicate.)
There were the Berdache of Native American cultures, revered for their gender fluidity and bisexual orientation. In Indonesian culture there are the Waria; the Middle East gives us the Xanith; in Africa. you can find the Ashtime, the Mashoga, and the Mangaiko. The Balkans have the “Sworn Virgins,” a group of women who live as men. Throughout time and in nearly every culture and religion there is space to celebrate those who do not conform to a gender binary. Just not here. And not now.
And I’m not even talking about getting all third-gender on things, though I love all of the above illustrations as a way of clarifying that our idea of the binary is an anomaly. I’m just talking about accepting that all people – regardless of sex, sexuality or gender – are capable of feeling all the feelings. Love. Fear. Generosity. Rage. All of it.
This idea of the binary, with it’s rough and tumble males, and docile females, wasn’t codified until stationary civilizations had a need to create a predictable order for people to be confined within. Not until, really, modern organized religions needed a power structure, and a way to both support and perpetuate it.
Even our beloved archetypes didn’t really happen until we had the luxury of nervous breakdowns and someone to try and figure out our problems for us. And what were their answers, typically? “You are not fitting into society’s role for you. The problem is you, not society.”
Really. We’re still falling for this?
♦◊♦
Think about the energy that we so lazily describe as “masculine.” What are the adjectives you would use? Aggressive? Courageous? Industrious? Combative? If you didn’t have the luxury of using the word “masculine” as a shortcut, would anything about those adjectives change? Would anything about that energy change? No. It wouldn’t.
Do you see as many of those qualities in women as you do in men? Yes. You do. Even in nature. Have you even heard the phrase “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned?” It’s not “hell hath no fury like a woman acting like a man.” How about the phrase “worker bee?” That’s nature, and those are all female bees.
There is nothing inherently masculine about “masculine” energy at all. It’s just a lazy way to not really think about how we’re describing someone. It’s a way to avoid using adjectives. Think about the energy that we so lazily describe as “feminine” energy. What are the adjectives that you would use? Kind? Nurturing? Calm? Soothing? If you didn’t have the luxury of using the word “feminine” as a shortcut, would anything about those adjectives change? Would anything about that energy change? No. It wouldn’t.
Do those qualities not exist in men as much as they exist in women? They absolutely do. Though with men, more so than women, there is great societal risk in letting those “non-conforming” sides of yourself show. Why? Because then you become “feminine.” And that’s, well, that’s bad.
Mind you, being calm is good. (“He’s solid as a rock.”) Being kind is good. (“He has such a big heart.”) Being nurturing is good. (“He’s the kind of guy that just makes you feel safe when you’ve had a bad day.”)
Those are some blurred lines.
There is nothing inherently feminine about “feminine” energy at all. It’s just a lazy way to not really think about what you’re calling someone. And it’s a great way to enforce a code that is not only unnatural but also harmful.
What if the words “masculine” and “feminine” didn’t exist? We’d have to think a lot harder about how we describe people. We’d describe them by what they do, how they behave. We’d have to pay attention to our behavior, not our genitals, and wardrobe.
We’d actually communicate something real.
That sounds so nice.
♦◊♦
I am always amazed by the similarities in the two groups of people who I see using this gendered language as a crutch the most often. There are the Neocons who refer constantly to the proper roles for men and women, expecting each to stay in their place. Then there are the SNAP (Sensitive New Age People) types who are constantly talking about the inner goddess, sacred masculine and sacred feminine. As far as I can tell the only difference is that the Neocons use “divine” and the SNAPs use “sacred.” But it’s all the same shit.
I got into a Facebook kerfuffle the other day with a guy who insisted that masculine energy is the energy that is directional and aggressive. Feminine energy is nurturing and passive. (My aggressive feminine energy wanted to flow fast in his direction, but I had better things to do.)
The problem with that, besides its inane fallacy, is that such language is what lays the groundwork for phrases like “man up.” There is no difference between “you need to harness your sacred masculine energy” and “man up, bro.” None. The words “sacred” and “masculine” don’t lessen the bludgeoning by binary any more than the words “no offense” make whatever it is you just said less offensive.
So, let’s get to those archetypes that we love so much. Whether they are from Jung or the Tarot, people love to refer to people as “the Warrior” or “the Thinker” or what have you. Let’s remove gender altogether from them, instead of looking only at the adjectives and verbs.
If someone says, “summon your inner warrior” they don’t mean to throw on a loin-cloth and sharpen your spear, right? They may be courageous, come up with a plan, know what you’re fighting for. That is a methodical and reasonable approach to facing a challenge. It’s not gendered and it’s not a prelude to a pub-fight. It’s not “act like you’re Mel Gibson in Bravehart,” it’s “get serious and solve this.”
I have no idea what someone means when they say summon your “inner goddess.” Fifty Shades of Grey forever ruined that phrase, though it was always an eye-roller for me. Make people worship you? Believe you are better than others?
Maybe it means to be open and receptive to the pleasure that you deserve. Surrender to feelings that come from some “divine” origin that defies logical explanation? I can get behind that. But let’s say that. You do not have an inner god or goddess. I promise. Even as a metaphor, it serves to separate us from our humanity, and that is counterproductive at best.
Think of the archetypes as a collection of attributes that might be useful to hone and harness in order to get to the next stage of the rather long role-laying game that is life. A way to figure out how to get through a tough spot. A way to think about your behavior.
♦◊♦
There was a time when I would have told you that I like a “manly man.” But as time passed, I was forced to look at what that meant, because going after the men who I thought were “my type” was leading to exactly the same unpleasant end, time after time. I eventually made a list, but it was simply a list of attributes: kind, funny, honest, fit, smart, brave, generous, nurturing and strong; both emotionally and physically.
The funny thing is, those are the same qualities I look for in friends. In business partners. In both men and women. They have nothing to do with gender, or even whether I am looking for friends or lovers. These are simply the qualities I look for in people because my life is better – more fun, less dramatic, safer – when the people in my life possess these qualities.
Turns out the “sexy” thing is something different altogether. We’ll call it “chemistry” and leave it for a different article.
♦◊♦
Look. I am okay with the existence of gender. I really am. What I am not okay with is our obsessive need to genderize things that have no gender. Especially attributes of our humanity that get used against us.
It is that need to genderize human attributes that have led to women being largely shut out of engineering and politics until recently. Men being marginalized for pursuing the arts rather than sports or business. Men and women alike being beaten or denied the opportunity for being too…. Your thoughts, your emotions, your energy do not have a gender. How you use them to express yourself is your choice.
Anyone who tells you to “man up” is not interested in empowering you, they are interested in helping – or coercing – you into conforming to society’s expectations. The same goes if they tell you to “summon up your sacred masculine energy.”
What we need to start doing is looking for the adjectives and attributes that describe what we are feeling right now, and what we want to be feeling. Getting real and owning our behavior as a series of choices we make, not a divine dictate. A buffet, not a prison. Being liberated and enlightened isn’t about better performing that act that is expected of you, it’s about figuring out who you really are. What you really want from yourself and others.
So unpack the messages. Don’t think about being more feminine, think about being nurturing, compassionate, and gentle. And know that those are as innately natural in men as women. Embodying those things doesn’t make you feminine, it makes you human. Don’t think about being masculine, think about being brave, focused, and protective. And know that those are as innately natural in men as in women.
Learn how to harness your full range of adjectives and verbs, in the right way at the right time to achieve your full potential, as you define it.
Know that although you are not a god, you are capable of feeling all the things. And it doesn’t make you less of a human, it makes you more.
—
If you believe in the work we are doing here at The Good Men Project, please join like-minded individuals in The Good Men Project Premium Community.
Get the best stories from The Good Men Project delivered straight to your inbox, here.
Sign up for our Writing Prompts email to receive writing inspiration in your inbox twice per week.
The existence of overlap doesn’t disprove different. Central tendencies for different groups can be wildly different even though exceptions exist. The flow for this argument is sadly classic: A- I found an exception therefore there is no difference between men and women! B- science says differently. A- just a social construct! B- Science shows similar differentiation across many axis and you have zero evidence for causality. A- Science is subjective! (Gotta admit that’s a new one- by definition the scientific method is objective so I am kind of amused) Person A would be so much better off if they strove… Read more »
“Scientific inquiry is intended to be as objective as possible in order to minimize bias”(Wikipedia. yeah I know, but still) Please to be noting, if we’re going to be sticklers for accuracy, the phrases “as possible” and “minimize” rather than, say “completely objective” or “eliminate bias.” Science, after all, is just another human invention, and as fallible as humans beings and their limited perceptions. It is, after all, impossible to prove a negative. “the ridiculous denial of population differences”. Who’s arguing that? What is being presented here is emotions and reactions that can be demonstrated by humans of both genders… Read more »
Loved reading this! I’ve been bothered by the same phrases ever since starting yoga, but haven’t had any luck articulating why to the SNAP involved. Should be easier now. As an aside: I once used the word “berdache” in conversation, and (to my surprise) got some significant recoil in response. Apparently, European settlers created “berdache”, and the word has connotations similar to “fag” or “pansy.” The consensus around that particular table was to use a term specific to the particular NA culture (i.e., the Winkte in the Lakota culture) or to use the term “Two-Spirit.” However, this was a couple… Read more »
Winkte is the accepted term for the Sioux tribes based on what I have read.
Probably one of the best articles I’ve read so far. Thanks for sharing your thoughts Alyssa!
Are men and women different? Absolutely, but so are all people when compared to anyone else. And we certainly aren’t plants or animals, so why would their systems of gender, sex, etc. apply to us?
There is a huge tendency to classify things between “masculine” and “feminine”. Even more annoying is when people feed the need to legitimize our abstract ideals by trying to force/encourage those labels on people, objects and qualities.
A very well written article. I discussed the annoyance of mates using the term ‘man up’ with a feminist friend recently. We decided that balancing it with using ‘fem up’ for women was counter productive.
So instead we both now use ‘toughen up’, since surely that’s cutting to the point of what you really intended? Am now attempting to spread the change through my circle of friends, next stop the world!
Trying again:
Some years ago, I encountered a young man who told me about the time he and two buddies had driven home from college for Thanksgiving. It was extremely cold. They also had a young woman with them. They had a small pickup truck whose cab would not fit four. So theguys took turns in the bed of the truck in a sleeping bag. They did not suggest the woman take a turn, nor did she suggest it herself.
Who needs a lecture?
Exactly, as you say Alyssa! Because Social code is the software, the code we have in us that operates us. Just like android, it can anticipate words we’ll use, information seeking and filters everything for us all while running in the background. BTW, thanks so much for linking your article above re: your husband. In reading it and the comments I can say with some certainty, without even knowing him, or you, that your relationship is almost spot on with mine with my wife. I grew up in the 60’s during the babyhood of the feminist movement. I took it… Read more »
Thanks Alyssa. I think that’s why I get the point you’re making and why others may not. If I had a typically defined male brain pattern, I might be more inclined to see what your saying as feminist speak. That would be what it may sound like from my male brain perspective. In my case I’m hearing it from a womanwho sounds like something I would say as a guy and therefore makes perfect sense to my through my filter. I may have a female patterned brain with male experience as my software and thus computes similar to yours, a… Read more »
OOOOHHHHHH, I love the “hardware” vs. “software” way of thinking about that. A lot. Social conditioning is the software, and it can run on nearly any hardware! A few different lines of code make all the difference. that is a brilliant analogy, Mark, one that I just may run with in a future piece.
BTW, sorry for the spelling errors, but typing on a tab really sucks. Also for the triple post as something else came to mind as I reread what I wrote. Even factoring in brain wiring, life experiences, environment etc, what I’d like to see is the nurturance for what everybody brings to the table. So if a girls is really good at the more male skills, she is celebrated as such, and her skills are used for the betterment of both her and society. Vice versa for the guys. If he is a nurturer, great at social interaction then he… Read more »
@thatguy. Your reliance on this study you referenced is not supportive of your point. It raises more questions than it answers. A good basic study of observation, but in no way supports the theory that men are this, women are that. They even acknowledged that brain wiring changes alot during a lifetime. First of all one would have to do a longitudinal study beginning at birth of boy babies and girl babies, and see what the differences were, with ALOT of babies. Then we’d need nto toss variable in such as environment, how and who they were raised by, their… Read more »
^Again, exactly.^ There are plenty of difference is our “wiring,” but none of that means our emotional responses to life are inherently separated by gender. We are ALL different, in myriad ways. But we ALL have access to the same range of emotions, even if expressed differently because we are different people. The ideas of how men and women behave as a distinct binary is not borne out in science or history. It is an artificial construct. Mark, you and your wife sound like my husband and I. 😉 By most social measures, I’m the guy and he’s the girl.… Read more »
I think the point is that most of these are learned gender behaviors, not inherently male or female fixed. If I look at a cat, I can’t tell off the bat if it’s a male or female. Neither does much anything different from the other. In fact in the poultry business there is a job called sexter that is a highly paid professional who can determine the sex of the chicks to separate them because no one else can. And to assume that Israeli female soldiers don’t have the ability to do significant harm in what they do would be… Read more »
^ EXACTLY ^
Nearly every species on this planet displays gendered behaviour, and human being have been doing since long before anyone even thought of the word gender. The ability of some people to ignore all evidence and states their opinions as if they were facts astounds me. I wonder if the author also believes that the Earth is flat and the sun revolves around it?
PS. Why is it that the feminists only want to argue that there are no differences between the sexes when it comes to the ‘good’ things like intelligence and courage. When it comes to the ‘bad’ things like violence and dominance behaviours they’d have us believe we were different species entirely.
Adam … you are sooooo right.
Nearly every species on this planet displays gendered behaviours and humans have been doing it long before anyone ever thought of the word gender. The ability of some people to completely ignore evidence and declare their opinions as ‘truths’ staggers me. I wonder if this author also believes that the Earth is flat and the sun revolves around it?
“That idea is a manmade construct, and it doesn’t serve anything.”
That article is a woman-made self-serving construct.
See how science begs to differ
http://www.bbc.com/news/health-25198063
Science = subjective
citation needed on that statement.
Hardly. Opinion – such as this article – is subjective.
Rhank god someone finally really sees through the bullshit that has been perpetrated on all of us. An that person is a woman to boot. Which doesn’t really surprise me because if a man would say this someone would say he was a closet gay who has an excuse now for not manning up. Sheesh. The media continues this archaic stereotype because so many men and women buy into it as if it is the truth with a capital T. And it serves them well for laughs, or character development or keeping the status quo. But it is, and always… Read more »
I am a teacher, my elementary-aged students have developmental disabilities. The other day, as part of a learning game, a student drew a card that had a photo of two tubs of legos–one was pink and one was blue. He was adamant that the pink one was for the girl sitting next to him and that the blue one was for him. I pointed out that they both had the same legos which made him very angry. Interesting, that that level of gender identification was present in a boy who is developmentally quite young and whose family are immigrants from… Read more »
It is exhausting. And they learn it so young, whether we want them to or not, it’s everywhere. And it is rooted entirely in profit and control. I have three daughters, and sometimes I just worry……
And Alyssa hits it out of the park, as ever. Look. I am okay with the existence of gender. I really am. What I am not okay with is our obsessive need to genderize things that have no gender. Especially attributes of our humanity that get used against us. Indeed. I would go so far as to say there are no essentially gendered characteristics/behaviours. I did until recently think childbearing and insemination were the only things that were, but if you take the point of the view that gender and sex are distinct things (which I do), then by that… Read more »
I totally agree that there are no essentially gender-based characteristics. I backed away from making such a declarative statement mostly because I didn’t feel like picking a fight with the interwebs….. But no, nothing is innately gender based. We are all just who we are…..