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It’s not surprising that talking about feelings is still taboo for most men, as the average man doesn’t have anyone who can truly listen to what he has to say. Too often people project their own judgments, fantasies, and fears of who and how their husband, father, son or friend is, or indeed should be. Rarely are men asked how they feel or what they value, wish for, fear, love or loathe. Men have little space to be genuinely heard, to be known for who they are and to develop and grow.
The other sad fact is that men let their feelings be feminised. When a man feels pain, fear, or feels overwhelmed, he traditionally takes those emotions to his mother, wife or lover, which often means he turns into a needy boy no matter how well he disguises his needs. Female energy is perfect for tending to a boy’s grazed knee, though surely a man’s needs, wounds, and challenges are best met by men who are able to listen and truly be with another man without ridicule, abandonment or shutting him down. Men need to claim back their voices, hearts, and souls, allowing the boyish mask (with a stiff upper lip) to drop. We can break the spell of “boys don’t cry” and show the world that “real men do” and that this is a healthy part of life. It’s often said that the pathway to a man’s power is through his vulnerability.
So where are the men in our communities who can hold and parent the next generation of healthy men? How many men feel part of a community, especially one that doesn’t tell them who they have to be and what they have to do? Men lack healthy demonstrations of authentic masculinity and conscious manhood, which is why emotional, mental, physical and spiritual well-being can so easily go to the dogs.
Most men have been abandoned by their fathers—emotionally or otherwise—and have lacked healthy male community throughout their lives. Some blame wars, some the industrial revolution, patriarchy, matriarchy, poverty, misplaced power or social position. Whatever the reason, a man can’t give what he hasn’t got.
The outlets most men have are social drinking, sports, religion or workmates, which some might argue leave little space beyond the cultures of “Don’t worry about it, mate—let’s get some more drinks in!” or “You think that’s bad? Well, my uncle went through such-and-such!” or “How can you talk about that when there are starving people in Africa / people living on the streets/addicts without a hope in hell?” or “You just need to…” or quite simply: “Man up and stop being such a wuss!”
Self-medication can take many forms, from another drink to pumping iron, chasing girls, do-gooding, hiding behind a screen or screaming at someone else as the pain is passed on down the line. With no risk-free way of breaking out and living beyond the stereotypical male mould, and no individual space within the mould it’s no wonder that isolation, addiction, and abuse are often the order of the day. The end of the line can so easily draw nearer—and more and more men feel they have little choice but to give up and die.
Suicide happens in a moment. Suicidal thoughts can fester for ages as pain turns to numbness and life alone in the dead zone is no longer bearable. How many men have someone to turn to before this moment? It’s normal for men to have no real friends these days, no real community in which they can come clean and let it all hang out, nobody to kick back with and talk rubbish with while walking, fixing, chilling, child-minding… Few get to share safe space in silence with another man or have a chance to chat, listen, explore, consider and crack up with laughter at the drop of a hat. Those who do have a community of men to talk with, still may not want to talk with them about their feelings and personal issues for fear of upsetting the status quo in their community of men.
So where does a man go with the baggage that just won’t stuff back into the old closet?
This is where men’s groups come in. They’re a totally confidential space, free from attachment around who and how a man should be, and more interested in healthy being than in addictive doing and obsessive thinking. It’s so often the obsessive thinking that can send a man down a deep, dark hole. Connecting with other men and learning from one another’s experiences can save us all from silently falling down the same hole while our screams for help echo so desperately inside us.
Talking to a therapist can work a treat for some, though others don’t like the long-term commitment, cost, hierarchy, exclusivity in relationship or limitations in terms of codes of conduct and professional boundaries. Many therapists suggest men’s groups because they’re a bridge between therapy and the mainstream world. Some men see a therapist as well as attending men’s groups and enjoy the peer-led approach alongside the one-on-one therapy.
I started my men’s groups 16 years ago, having returned from five years abroad to find my nearest and dearest male friends addicted to their money, power, drink, drugs or work and partying like animals or acting like victims and digging their heels in that old camp of helplessness. I wanted more depth and authenticity from my male friends, so I started a men’s group, making it up as we went along. More and more men got to hear about our men’s group and saw the positive effects it was having on their friends’ lives, so I had to take it out of my home and into a public space and give it a clear form with agreed ground rules and a format, along with tools that we could use in the group as well as in daily life. I currently facilitate eight monthly men’s groups, and a monthly MenFacilitate train-the-facilitator day workshop.
Some first-timers use the men’s group as a confessional where they instantly name and release the
baggage that they’ve been carrying for far too long. Some don’t speak about their sad or shameful stuff for a while, then once they’re ready, it all comes out and we may never see them again. Many love the quality of depth and safety, and the space to talk honestly and be heard in the groups, so they show up in their own way, in their own time, often coming along for years for the good company, life lessons and belly laughs. They find the men’s group works perfectly in their life, giving them a better sense of self as they test-drive new parts of themselves in the group and let go of who they no longer need to be. The men’s groups tend to normalise authentic masculinity—simple honest communication with reflective listening instead of dramatising and fixing. Powerful vulnerability, joy and a love for life grow as the journeys between head and heart, past and present, fear and love are made and tools for a happy life are shared beyond shame, blame or unnecessary competition.
Men’s groups can be called anything (even just “hanging out”) and the tools can be adapted to any culture and taken into any specialist group or community.
I think the world needs more men’s groups to help men “Man up … and talk about it.” If you’d like to start running a men’s group in your community, check out the free resources and the MenFacilitate training at www.MensGroups.co.uk.
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