In Secrets: Boys’ Friendships and the Crisis of Connection:
Niobe Way reveals the intense intimacy among teenage boys especially during early and middle adolescence. … Yet in late adolescence, boys feel they have to “man up” by becoming stoic and independent. Vulnerable emotions and intimate friendships are for girls and gay men. “No homo” becomes their mantra. https://www.amazon.com/Niobe-Way/e/B001JS7ULO%3Fref=dbs_a_mng_rwt_scns_share
Our lives as boys are generally significantly different from the lives of girls!
I observed a group of roughly five year old girls. They were playing in the common area in front of our townhouse, “play-acting” a fight. Each girl a different role. There were detailed discussions as to how each girl should act.
I was surprised! My son, of a similar age, would have been playing with toys, not children. In organized sports it was the ball or bat, not his relationship to others.
Growing up, we face increasing pressures to be “a man”. Significant numbers of us become what I would call “male outcasts”. We “outcasts” are a varied lot. Gay men may look “femme” or “buff” or “normal” (e.g. “het”).
We may be trans and/or gender fluid. We may or may not identify as male. We may wish to be referred to as “they/them” rather than as “he/him”. We may use other gender pronouns such as: “he/they”, “xe/xem” or “ze/zim”. We outcasts may be neurodiverse (vs. neurotypical). We may have serious physical and/or mental health issues. We may not fit in as a boy or as a man!
We often feel pressures to excel in sports.
Studies have found that female athletes tend to be more team-oriented than male athletes. They are more focused on self-improvement rather than winning at all costs. Girls are more likely to value team unity than boys. They are also more likely to blame themselves than others in defeat. Coaches moving from one gender to the other must adjust their style and message as a result.
https://www.sportsrec.com/8266790/does-participation-in-sports-negatively-affect-academics
We learn to shoot the ball, regardless of the defense. We need to be taught to pass the ball. Girls often need to be taught to shoot the ball, not to pass it all the time.
As Niobe Way spoke of (above), we learn to: man up. It is the kiss of death to be a“f+g” or “a girl”. We feel pressures from our parents and other adults. Often – the biggest pressures we face are from male peers. We fear ridicule and being kicked out of “the club”. We learn to hide our doubts, our fears. The dangers are from both others, and ourselves. Being a man means not being a loser!
The movies, television, and other media reinforce that we should be an unreachable the best. It may be in football. It may be in school. It may be the top doctor or lawyer, if not the fighter. There always is another who is a step or more ahead of us.
Girls and women, are the caretakers. Big sisters take care of the younger children. Far less frequently do big brothers have similar responsibilities. We lean on our mothers, and later on girlfriends/wives for emotional support.
Parents teach us to carry out the garbage and mow the yard. Later on we may learn to financially support our family. With aging parents, we learn to manage their financial affairs.
We may rule over others because we are the man. We do not become the glue that holds the family together. The woman skips work to take care of the sick child. The wife prepares supper, even when her work hours are equal to or greater than her partner’s hours.
When a family member is hurting, it is the woman’s responsibility to reach out to them. The wife cares for the emotional needs of the aging parents. Only in same sex relationships does the wife have a partner to emotionally support her.
As men we to focus upon what is directly in front of our noses.
Children become relevant when they are ours. Aging becomes relevant when a parent (or we) get(s) old. Physical and mental health are relevant when we face immediate health issues, that we can’t ignore any longer.
Rape is (only) a women’s issue, unless our wife, mother, daughter, or sister has recently been raped. Gay/lesbian/trans issues matter when someone close to us comes out to us.
Racism was an issue – in the months – after George Floyd was killed. For many white men it no longer is a serious issue, because it doesn’t directly impact our lives. It isn’t that we don’t care! It is when, and how we care.
We like to listen to ourselves or white men who agree with us. Women are only women. Black and Latino People are those people. The U.S. is #1 and Make America Great Again resonated with many USians well before the recent Russian invasion of Ukraine.
When were we great? We have a “mythological past” we:
- civilized the heathen Native Americans,
- built an economic powerhouse on the backs of Black slaves.
- saved the world for democracy, while Adolph Hitler modeled some of his Holocaust planning on how Blacks were treated here, and
- ended racism by passing important Civil Rights legislation in the 1960s, while strangely police killings of Black People persist, our schools are frequently segregated today, etc.
A vivid example is how Carl Braden, with his wife Anne Braden, sought to end segregation in the Louisville Area in the mid-20th Century.
In 1954:
The Bradens purchased a house on behalf of the Wades in Shively, an all-white neighborhood in the Louisville metropolitan area, and deeded it over to the Wade family. White segregationists immediately lashed out – initially by throwing rocks through the windows of the house, burning a cross in front of it, and firing gunshots into the home – and then bombed the house (setting off explosives under the bedroom of the Wades’ young daughter while the home was occupied), driving the Wades out and destroying the home. As a result of their actions, Carl Braden was charged with sedition. Although housing discrimination was illegal, the U.S. Supreme Court ruling specifically on a case in Louisville, Buchanan v. Warley, in 1917, charges were brought against Braden for hatching a communist plot to stir up a race war. A friend of the Wades was also charged with bombing the house to make it appear to have been done by others. No charges were filed regarding the other incidents. [1] Braden denied the accusations that his purchase of the house and its subsequent bombing were all part of a “communist plot”, and denied that he had ever been a member of the Communist Party.[1] He was convicted on December 13, 1954, and was sentenced to 15 years in prison. Immediately upon his conviction, he was fired from the Courier-Journal, and he served seven months of his sentence before he was released on a $40,000 bond pending appeal – the highest bond ever set in Kentucky up to that time.[1][2] His conviction was then overturned.[2] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carl_Braden
We say that we support democracy. We financially and otherwise heavily support Ukrainian resistance to the Russian army’s invasion.
”There are currently more than 65 Israeli laws that discriminate against Palestinian citizens in Israel and Palestinian residents of the Occupied Palestinian Territories, according to Adalah, The Legal Center for Arab Minority Rights in Israel.” An example: “The Nakba Law introduced in 2011 allows the finance minister to reduce funding or support to an institution if it holds an activity that commemorates Israel’s Independence Day as a day of mourning. https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2018/7/19/five-ways-israeli-law-discriminates-against-palestinians).
Twenty percent of Israeli citizens are Palestinian. A little less than 30% more Palestinians are stateless residents under Israeli control since 1967.
Multiple studies including a recent detailed recent U.N. study describe the situation as “Apartheid”. Politicians and other prominent USians face strong pressures to support Israel. Those and supporting the Palestinian cause are frequently accused of being Anti-Semites. Many states penalize U.S. businesses who support a peaceful economic boycott (BDS) of Israel.
We proclaim that girls and women have equal rights. Disproportionately boys and men sexually and physically assault girls and women, as well as other men.
We do not consistently support democracy! We do not systemically confront racism, sexism, classism, homo/lesbian/trans phobias and much more!
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