I had a friend who was unhappy with how her boyfriend treated her when they were together. She complained to me that he was a bit passive sometimes, preferring to play video games after work rather than spend quality time with her. She felt that he took her for granted, and expected her to do more than her fair share of the housework/life admin.
They met at university and had been together for around 6 years when she announced that they were getting married. I was a little bit shocked, especially after what she had told me before about their relationship, although I recognised that I had only heard one side of the story and thought that maybe she was just taking the chance to rant when we met up.
Guess what? Nothing changed when they got married. My friend’s complaints grew stronger, and every time we met, she was filled with rage at her now husband’s lack of support and lack of interest in anything other than video games.
What do you do in a situation like that? I wasn’t about to advise my friend to leave her husband. I tried to make some gentle suggestions that she try and talk to him, but she seemed more interested in ranting than listening to advice. I tried to be as supportive as I could, but privately I thought that they were probably heading for divorce.
So when my friend announced that she was pregnant, I was even more shocked than when they got married. She was delighted to be pregnant, and while I didn’t want to say anything to dampen that situation, I did ask if she felt that her husband’s attitude would be different with a baby around. She said with extreme confidence “O, he’ll definitely be more present when the baby arrives.”
To cut a long story short, this was not the case. Our meetings became less frequent, but when they did happen they were dominated by one topic and one topic only — her husband’s lack of involvement with their child.
My friend was angry and disappointed with him, but I was unsurprised. If this had been his attitude since long before their marriage began, why would it be any different now that they had a baby and were more tired than ever?
I still listen to my friend’s rants to this day. She has two children now and is generally knackered with the weight of juggling two young children, part-time work and a husband who is distant and distracted.
What made my friend believe that her husband would be any different when married or a new dad? And what made her want to be married to someone that she wasn’t happy with in the first place?
From seeing her experience, I can only conclude that if you have issues in your relationship, getting married or having children is not going to fix them. A wedding is a celebration and a piece of paper, not relationship guidance or support. A good marriage is something that has to be constructed — it doesn’t just happen automatically. If you go into marriage thinking that this will change your partner’s behaviour, you are likely to be disappointed.
I can’t even be angry with my friend’s husband because he showed her this character all along and my friend chose to accept it. What incentive does he have to change if he keeps getting promoted on the basis of the shoddy work he does now? Of course, societal pressures will have influenced her and had she not felt so scared of the alternative of being single, she might not have accepted such a rough deal.
In the word of Maya Angelou, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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 The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer |
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Photo credit: iStockPhoto.com
