Marriage Was Good, so Is Being Single

I’ve been single now for almost 5 years. It was the beginning of May, 2017, that my husband left me.

We had some ups and downs in our marriage, but for quite a lot of it, we were reasonably happy.

Because marriage is a relationship between two disparate people, it’s never a perfect match. At least, I don’t think so. I’ve known people who pretend otherwise. Or maybe it’s not a pretense.

But next week, I’m having dinner with some friends of mine who have been married for over 60 years. He is 89 years old, she is a couple of years younger. Even though she was born in the 1930s, she got her degree in the arts. She studied at the Sorbonne. He supported this. When they had children, though, she was the one who stayed home with them.

But this seemed to be the decision that made them both happy.

Who knows what happened behind the scenes, but when I am with them, I feel content, which makes me think they are, too.

For those on the outside of my marriage looking in — they might have seen something different than what I experienced. But for the most part, I was happy.

Part of this was due to my taking control of my own life and being independent. I could and did travel without him. I sometimes went to the movies with him, but sometimes I went by myself. I had groups that I went to by myself and sometimes I went out for meals alone.

But he always took me to the symphony, and he always helped me host dinner parties. He supported me when I led a Sunday school class in church by making copies for me of my lesson plan beforehand. He’d run and do that while I started the class.

He also supported me going to graduate school and living apart from him, and when I gave a presentation of some research I’d done, he made sure to travel to be in the audience, applauding loudly for me.

There were many good things about our marriage.

Now I’ve been alone for 5 years and… I’m happier in some ways, less happy in others. But overall, I am just as content most of the time, as well as being less stressed out.

I have more fun. My friendships have gotten deeper. I traveled more, at least prior to the pandemic, and tried new things and made new friends. I worry less and relax more. I play the music I like, configure things in my own haphazard fashion, and in general do what makes me happy.

On the other hand, when I’ve needed help, it’s harder as there isn’t someone on hand. And sometimes I feel lonely without a partner.

I think the reality is, in any situation, there is both joy and sorrow.

My ex has made it clear to me that he wants me back but I won’t go down that road. Do I regret that we broke up? I miss the man he was 20 years ago. But that man is gone now, and after 5 years of growing and changing without him, I’ve become a different person. I could no longer live with him. Besides, when he left me, he broke my trust. That is not something I can overcome.

Are there any lessons to be learned?

Just this — you never know what path your life will follow. You can try to force things, but this seldom works out the way you plan. So, go ahead and make those plans. Just don’t be surprised if life throws a curve ball or two along the way.

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This post was previously published on Shefali O’Hara’s blog.

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