Married But Feeling Completely Solo

While healthy relationships can boost feelings of belonging and well-being, being in a disconnected, resentful marriage often makes partners feel alone. Despite being a relatively common experience, especially for women who take on pressure and obligations in marriages at higher rates, it’s an elusive one that prompts all kinds of complex feelings of guilt and shame.

Some women may blame themselves or try to take on more to compensate for their unhappiness. But, in reality, wives who feel lonely and misunderstood at home have more going on behind closed doors.

Here are the reasons many wives feel lonely and misunderstood at home:

1. They feel like a ‘parent’ to their partner

From dealing with a husband who weaponizes incompetence to avoid discomfort and managing a million household responsibilities on her own, many smart women feel lonely and disconnected in their marriages because they’re “parenting” their partners.

Instead of feeling the support of reciprocity and balance in their marriages, they’re taking on more than they can realistically and healthily manage, usually without any kind of appreciation in return.

2. They’re burdened with too many responsibilities

According to a study from Pew Research Center, many women are burdened with the majority of household labor and childcare responsibilities in their relationships with men, despite working and earning the same, if not more, than their partners. Whether it’s tied to general imbalance or stereotypical gender norms, it’s not uncommon for many of these women to feel lonely and misunderstood under the weight of all this pressure.

From managing the household’s schedule to regulating her partners’ emotions for them, they’re also often responsible for invisible, emotional labor on top of all their tangible obligations. Especially without appreciation or validation from her partner, she’s going to end up burnt out, disconnected, and alone, even in the same room as her family.

3. They don’t have space for solitude

While it might seem like a counterintuitive behavior to prioritize in a disconnected marriage, one of the reasons why women feel lonely or misunderstood in their relationships is that they don’t have enough time for themselves. Whether it’s the pressures of a controlling partner or a general sense of unease, women who don’t have alone time to craft self-worth and authenticity on their own end up tying all their well-being to a partner.

They don’t know what they need, like, or appreciate, because they spend all their time worrying about the relationship. If it were to end, their entire sense of self and worthiness would be caught up in the feelings and arguments of their partner.

4. Their effort goes entirely unnoticed

Even when they’re going out of their way to put in extra effort into a struggling relationship or putting their needs to the side for the sake of their partner, lonely and misunderstood wives are still unnoticed. Their effort, love, intentions, and trust are not only regularly overlooked but also entirely taken for granted.

This is why practicing gratitude is an essential part of healthy relationships. As a study from the University of Georgia explains, couples who openly appreciate and express gratitude toward their partners experience both an increase in marital satisfaction and a sense of commitment and resilience during rough patches.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.