'Maybe Do a Few Squats'

“You might as well do a few squats or something when you have the time.”

I thought, “Cool, cool, cool, add in a casual chuckle riiiiight here and brush it right off. Put it right into the shit closet filled with comments and situations that you don’t want to unpack right now. Instead of taking the time to do so and allow yourself to mature emotionally — just let it keep piling up until you feel overwhelmed and anxious for seemly no good reason!”

I can rationalize and excuse my way out of anything. “No, no — that’s probably not what they meant when they said that. I’m just blowing it out of proportion. You’re not on some TV show again, okay?”

But in reality, just how I sometimes judge others to feel better about myself. Others can do the same thing to me! In attempts to feel superior, they can make me feel small. Like me, they too are broken and trying to put themselves together the best way they know.

So when I heard that, it was clear from the context that it was a passing thought. They probably don’t even remember saying it — that’s how minuscule it was. However, sitting at that train station across from them — my mind pressed rewind on every moment that we spent together. Replaying every action, visualizing every outfit that I wore, the way that I moved. I tried to formulate exactly when they thought to themselves, “You know — she could benefit from a few squats.” Exactly when was that moment or was it constructed from several instances?

* * *

And that’s why you should always try to write those nagging thoughts down. I didn’t realize just how much something that insignificant pinpointed and activated days and years of insecurity. Something that I thought I had moved past. It wasn’t a comment playing on the stereo, but rather an occasional background mumble in my head. I didn’t realize it was playing let alone impacting my goals and image.

“You’re a confident and self-reassured person. So what — one person thinks you need to do a few squats. Ooohh noooo. Call the fire department.” (Even in my head, I’m unnecessarily sarcastic.)

Of course — that’s what I thought after I actually actively heard and acknowledged the mumble. But even before that, I remember pushing the dress from the train station to the back of my closest subconsciously because maybe it looked like “I needed to do some squats”. However, I didn’t make that connection until months after when I finally unpacked that comment and listened to the signs that my associated emotions were trying to tell me. It was like a fly on sticky paper. It wasn’t in my way, but it was present in that cluttered closet that I finally had to get around to cleaning.

I didn’t realize it was finally time to take out at least some of the crap in that closet until I was halfway through my new “healthy” diet. My goal was to cut all added sugar, milk, and reduce the amount of grains consumed. The reason behind this goal at least consciously was to feel more energized, although… it wouldn’t hurt if I lost a few pounds. I was already starting new habits and changing my lifestyle as it was. Might as well add this too. But after a couple of days, it became really difficult. I was thinking about all the foods that I wanted to eat, but couldn’t. I was tempted by everything. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. It had taken over most of the thoughts throughout the day. Every time I had such a thought, I would tell myself, “It’s to get healthier. You’ll feel better and more energized. That stuff isn’t good for you anyway.” Sure, those foods aren’t the most nutritious, but my subconscious wanted me to probe my goal again. Even when I reaffirmed the goal to myself — eat healthier feel better, a part of myself didn’t fully accept it. I didn’t understand.

* * *

I had started running every day for the past two weeks during this time, and I stuck to it. Sure, the first few days I was sluggish, but it quickly a part of my routine. The question wasn’t will I run today, it was when would I run. Before, I couldn’t even imagine getting out of bed before 10 am least of all to put on sneakers and run. But, I had started to do it. Why was cutting out these foods, which weren’t even a large part of my diet to begin with such a struggle?

The reason I started running had never been to lose any weight. It was never something I had even considered. I started because it had always been a fear of mine. Ever since I was deemed the slowest runner and the last pick in gym class, I wrote myself off as a runner and athlete. Running is something I could never do without blinding pain and a debilitating headache afterward. Plus, who’s not going to judge the struggling jogger outside?

However, after some reflection and reading, I decided I am not going to use that narrative or belief to dictate my life. I can and will feel good while running. It will take a couple of weeks, but my body is going to fly down the sidewalk feeling energized and natural. Despite the cold weather, fatigue, fake vertigo, I kept at it. I didn’t think, “Okay, tomorrow I’m going to bail. I’ve already run for x days, so it’s time for a break. Even to my surprise that did not happen because I refused to live in fear of that narrative. My body was capable of so much more and I wanted to prove it to myself. I determine what I can or cannot do, not my gym class or neighbors. The truth is if I actually want to hit any goal, I have to truly want it for myself.

I didn’t have an underlying reason in which I was trying to prove my worth to someone else. Each time I reiterated that goal to eat healthier to myself when I wanted to reach for the chocolate, I knew that was a lie. Yes, becoming healthier was part of my goal, but so was the pesky comment stuck to the sticky paper in my mind. The meaning of my new goal was not fully based on my growth. It was about changing the way that I look to potentially appease someone else who wasn’t even part of my life anymore. That meaning was not for me. It was not to help me conquer a limiting belief about my abilities. And that was hard to admit. I never thought that comment would actually stick and continue to nag me in the background.

* * *

I am a confident person who likes my body and who I am. Sure, I am still growing and learning. We all are. But, creating goals to exclusively stick it to someone isn’t the valuable meaning to base my goals on. The meaning had to align with my growth. I found writing down the reasons and meaning behind my goals helped me declutter that shit closet in my head and ensure that I would actually reach them. And as someone who word vomits constantly in social situations, this served as a reminder to be mindful of the things I say. You never know which ones will leave a lasting impact.

So this brings me to my conclusion — I am not sticking to my diet. I am going to savor the chocolate and dance naked in my mirror.

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Previously published on “Change Becomes You”, a Medium publication.

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