Me & My Childish Ways

When I was a child, I spoke as a Marx Brother. Groucho, specifically. That bit totally cracked my Mom up.:

When I was a child, I thought one day my talent would land me on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. I imagined how I would reveal that, in fact, “Johnny, my Mom is really mean. One time, she wouldn’t let me stay up after Alice was over so I could watch Fantasy Island.

So cruel.

When I was a child, I reasoned that the truth was found in my palm, read to me by my Mom as often as I could persuade her to do so.

“Long love line,” she would say, “and many children.”

“Teach me how,” I would beg.

I never could remember which line was which.

When I became a Woman, I didn’t even notice I wasn’t a girl anymore. How to give up childish ways has never crossed my mind.

Or, maybe it has.

I feel as though I’ve always been an adult, just one of those adults who still remembers the childish hoping that if I closed my eyes really tight, I could transport myself to Fantasy Island and become an instant world class figure skater. With a super-sweet Dorothy Hamil ‘do. (Autocorrect really wanted that to read Dorothy “Hamilton.” But I’m pretty sure that dude wore a wig. And I bet he couldn’t skate for beans.)

But, perhaps, I do possess some ways that may be childish.

Or, naïve.

Some even may say “foolhardy,” my ways.

But I’m not sure I agree. I think it’s not me, it’s THEM!

And it pretty much boils down to this: there are a whole lot of assholes living among us who seem to have no soul. And I just can’t believe that somehow they exist to troll on in their hideous ways.

And me — I’ve been so very blessed to have these assholes in my life, however brief the time, apparently for the sole purpose so that I may have stories to write about later.

(You’re welcome.)

But come hither ye child and assholes of any age or manner of being, and heed my words:

He who cast the first stone at my house of kindness and jolly good-nature BEWARE! For one day! I shall appear on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon (My Prince 😊 Charming!) and all of your shameless shenanigans will be REVEALED!

And until then, assholes, I read your palm when you weren’t looking — and it appears your love line just came to a full-stop. You do not pass Go. You will instead spend the rest of your days holding on to your four railroads thinking that will save your ass. But you know what?

You’re probably right.

And –

You can kiss my grits.

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This post was previously published on Medium.

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