I used to think that women were the only ones that dealt with disconnection between our heads and hearts and bodies, especially the disconnection between our heads and bodies when it comes to sex.
I believed this not only because I talk about sex mostly with my lady friends, but because until last year I had coached women exclusively for the past 6 years around their love lives and sex lives.
I honestly thought guys had their sexual stuff “under control” for the most part. I had zero idea how much pressure men felt around sexual performance, or how many men were challenged with inability to get an erection or sustain an erection, let alone how many men struggled with masturbation and porn addiction.
So before I go further, I want to say “Men, I’m sorry. I as a woman had no clue. I’m sorry that you have had to suffer in silence, and deal with this alone.”
Because of this notion that men have it together, it becomes an expectation that you all ‘should’ have it together. And if you don’t, there is something wrong – both with you, and then with us as your partners. The margin for error is unrealistically small and the conversation around it non-existent.
The thing no one realizes when it comes to sexual difficulties is that they are not a sign that you’re broken; they’re your body guiding you toward more intimacy, fulfillment, and pleasure.
|
I’ll admit, because I was one of those women that was ‘in the dark’ and never had any of my past partners share with me their struggles around sex, if I did hear of other men having ‘issues’, I naturally went to this place of ‘something is wrong.’
The thing no one realizes when it comes to sexual difficulties is that they are not a sign that you’re broken; they’re your body guiding you toward more intimacy, fulfillment, and pleasure. We simply need to learn to listen.
Men, your bodies are sensitive and wise. When we experience physical pain it is the body’s way of signaling that something needs our attention. Same goes for sex.
When you experience an urge, or lack of one, when your body won’t ‘respond’ even though your brain wants it to, it is a sign. It is asking you to look deeper to see what is actually going on in this moment (with this person, with yourself, etc).
Maybe you actually don’t want to have sex with this person but feel like you should. Maybe you are still holding on to hurt and trauma from your last gnarly relationship. Maybe you are really tired and rest is what is needed, not sex.
Because here is the thing, you can’t hide during sex. You are literally and figuratively naked. Your ‘stuff’ will show up and require your loving attention.
|
Since beginning to work more with men over a year ago, I have seen time and time again that there is a lot happening emotionally for these guys, that inevitably impact them physically, especially around sex.
Because here is the thing, you can’t hide during sex. You are literally and figuratively naked. Your ‘stuff’ will show up and require your loving attention.
The good news here is that once you are able to bring some attention to the situation, the scary factor diminishes, and something can actually be done about it.
So my invitation to you is as follows:
What would it be like to bring some compassionate curiosity to the table when it comes to your body and your sex?
Instead of making your body wrong for not performing, how about inquiring into what is happening under the surface?
You may be surprised to hear the answers.
Best of all, your body will feel heard and decisions can then be made from a place of awareness, and not emotions, societal expectations, or shame.
–
Natalie Vartanian and Bob Schwenkler are the creators of Sexually Confident Man. If you’re a man who knows that you’re capable of more confidence, intimacy, and pleasure in your sex life and relationship go to www.sexuallyconfidentman.com.
–
Image Credit: Pixabay
Hi Natalie
According to dr.Daniel Amen:
40% of 40 year old American men suffer from erectile dysfunction…….70% of the
70 year old..
And the way I understand him,this is not caused by emotional issues. Not at all.
I agree with you that not everything is caused by one thing … I just am speaking to the piece where we skip right to “there is something wrong and I need a pull to fix it”. I am suggesting looking first at the intricate emotional/physical connection that runs for us human beings and then if that is not creating the change, we can explore the biological/physical components.
“I honestly thought guys had their sexual stuff “under control” for the most part.” ___________ Oh heck no. Not yours, or any woman’s fault though. How could you know if no one is talking about it? Just another part of the man-box, another reason for a guy to feel like less a man. I watched a documentary when Viagra first came out (I’m a science geek at heart), and even as a guy I was floored by how many times words such as “worthless”, “suicide”, “depressed” came out. There was a lot of silent shame with these men also, feeling… Read more »
Thanks for that reflection and suggestion DJ. I agree wholeheartedly that the more we talk about it, the less it will keep men hiding out and living in shame and suffering. Xo