Men: Being Too Available Is Ruining Your Success with Women

Some guys learn this the hard way. Others never learn it, and for some, it’s second nature to keep a healthy pace with women.

Sadly, some men even stop trying to get a woman altogether.

I’m more part of the “had to learn this the hard way” group of guys.

And you know what’s funny? I follow a dating newsletter called Girls Chase. Not because you’re supposed to be chasing girls, but because the goal is to have girls chase you.

But here’s the thing — most men already know this.

Almost every dude probably has some kind of story about some relative saying, “Don’t chase women.”

It’s really good advice, but as men, we can be too dense. Guess what we do?

We go out and do the exact opposite thing. We get everything confused. We think that it’s our job to chase, then we wonder why we’re not getting anywhere.

Why? Why does this happen?

Because men ignore what they know deep down. It’s often actually easier to put in more effort than to not do anything. Chasing is unattractive and it creates a power imbalance. Over-investing in women is what is pushing them away.

And over-commitment isn’t even the problem. The effects of it are.

Burn out. Unrealistic expectations. Failed relationships.

If you keep saying yes to everything, texting all the time, asking for commitment after a month, or saying “I love you” after week two, you’re creating a baseline that you won’t be able to keep up long term.

Or if you idealize her, fantasize about her all the time, or get hyper-focused on the relationship on the second date, you’re only setting yourself up for disaster if she decides to leave.

So if you want to be in emotional turmoil just over-commit.

And none of this is anything new. You know this.

Go get a new job, work your ass off right at the start, and see what happens when you eventually get tired and can’t keep up that pace.

Your performance review might say “under-performer” since you can’t meet your usual above-average baseline.

Being less available is more attractive

Some people think they have to be “high value” to be attractive, or that somehow it mitigates the effects of chasing.

I have a disdain for the word “high value,” because it’s often used to only describe men or women who are rich, successful, fit, or charismatic. And then people think that to have good results with women, you have to meet this arbitrary set of standards.

While I’d assume it helps to be all those things, real value doesn’t come from how funny, good-looking, or successful you are.

Because you could be all those things; chase women and they’d more than likely still find you “off-putting.”

What I do know is that someone who is truly “high value” actually knows their worth and they don’t chase after people like a skeevy car salesman.

And I wish I had realized this earlier. Some of my relationships ended abruptly and prematurely because I got a bit “too needy.”

But at the time I was dealing with loneliness and unresolved hurt from my earlier long-term relationship ending.

Now I see over-investing as a terrible idea.

Since developing a bit of “self-love,” I’ve found it counterintuitive and even draining to be too available.

Being less available is not about being more selfish, aloof, avoidant, or hyper-independent, but it’s about reinvesting into your own frame. Because that’s the only sustainable practice.

People find it attractive. They don’t like overly needy people. Just think about it, you ever get stopped by some weirdo who needs change? Or the person who won’t shut up at work and has to tell you their entire backstory just to ask a question?

It’s off-putting, right? All you’re thinking about is getting away from that person.

And you might be thinking, how would you know this works?

While I have anxious tendencies in relationships, I wasn’t always “so needy.” I used to not care as much. Frankly, there were times when I was rather avoidant and not worried about my relationships.

As a result, I paced myself a little better.

When you pace yourself and are in control of your own frame, it shows hidden confidence and is a magnet for the right people.

Though, I don’t recommend being an aloof, detached, avoidant who “doesn’t care,” because that’s equally just as bad (in the long term).

But… there is a correlation between “caring less” and longevity with the women I dated. That doesn’t mean one caused the other, but it is a trend. When you over-commit or rush the process, the other person will get sick of it and leave.

How to chase women less by inhabiting your frame

If you’re over-investing in women, chances are you’re ignoring yourself. And I don’t mean the things you enjoy like hobbies or friends.

This might sound a bit cheesy or weird, but you’re ignoring your “inner child.”

Or in simpler terms, you’re ignoring the part of you that needs real love, attention, and care. I found that I ignored myself and over-invested in women at the height of when the feelings of loneliness were present.

That was about 6 to 7 months after the end of my four-and-a-half-year relationship with my fiance.

Yes, the breakup was painful right at the start, but as time went on, I realized, She’s not coming back…

All I had were my thoughts of her, and that’s when the sadness really hit. That sharp, sudden stab from the start was followed by a long, unending, dull, throbbing pain.

So I chased after women to fill that void or to numb the pain. That’s what I mean, and of course, whatever you’re trying to avoid doesn’t have to be from a breakup.

It could be anything.

But here’s the thing: when you routinely chase women and over-commit, all that energy you’re pouring into her could be used to heal that part of you that needs it.

The part that craves self-respect and inner stability.

You’re looking for validation when you could just give that to yourself.

Trust me. No matter what you do, if you don’t un-fuck your lost edge — the things that keep it sharp: your confidence and your sense of worth, it doesn’t matter who you get with. It won’t fix anything.

And so, while you certainly can go and journal your thoughts and feelings, talk to your inner child, or go to therapy, you don’t necessarily have to do all these things to start being more attractive.

You just have to know how to say “no” to women a little more often and set limits with yourself.

Though, I will admit… that may certainly take some inner work — like the things I just mentioned.

But in the meantime, you can easily learn to say no to smaller commitments.

Like accepting social media friend requests.
Going to events together (like a birthday or social outing) — I’m guilty of doing this to a girl, and we both felt uncomfortable. It was probably too soon for that level of commitment.
Frequent or long phone calls: I’ve found it useful to chat before the first date, as a means to break the ice. I mean, you’re gonna meet at some point, but frequent phone calls very early on are draining.

Saying no to these small, mundane examples helps safeguard your sanity and even your privacy. It sets an appropriate baseline that you can use to graduate into more commitments.

I use these examples because I’ve had all these things happen to me. I’ve accepted friend requests after the first or second date. Spent way too much time very early on with her and her friends and been on long phone calls too frequently.

And I have nothing to show for any of that time invested. You must set a solid, predictable, and sustainable foundation to enjoy these things later on and be more certain that these behaviors are a good use of your time.

You can’t take things back to what they once were

I provided this YouTube Short as extra insight. Orion Taraban explains how you “can escalate with women, but you cannot de-escalate.”

As you “escalate” with women, you become more emotionally involved and physically intimate, and the commitments deepen (if you’re not dating a moderately to severe avoidant woman).

It’s simple. As you progress, the level of complexity increases, and the stakes get higher.

At some point, you can’t really step back to what you once had with her. Skip one or two… maybe five steps too soon and it’s overwhelming and you come off as needy. Even if you really aren’t.

Or just think of anything that has a lot of momentum. Very difficult to just stop whatever it is and reverse it.

And it’s not really any different from entropy.

In a physical system, entropy describes how things naturally break down from order into disorder. In higher entropy, you cannot simply make something return to what it previously was.

Like a shattered vase. You can glue the pieces back together but it will never look the same.

As a final example, roughly two and a half months into dating a girl, she invited me on a week-long vacation. Not the two of us. That would have made a little more sense.

No… it was her entire immediate family. Mom, Dad, and her kids. Going on that vacation didn’t sit right with me, but I proactively said “yes” to avoid upsetting her.

I knew it would have turned into an argument if I said “no.”

So there I was. Several states away with this girl I hadn’t even fallen in love with yet, and her family who I was still getting to know.

All of us are spending the vacation in a two-bedroom villa at a resort. Definitely too soon.

After that trip, I broke up with her. I was completely burnt out from pretending to be “step-dad” and not to mention, she violated a boundary I had explicitly told her not to cross for the second time.

Frankly, I didn’t lose sleep from breaking up with her, but I use this as a perfect example. Don’t get involved with someone too soon.

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To wrap up,

As I had to learn the hard way, there were a few relationships that I could have kept alive longer if I hadn’t gotten too invested right out the gate.

Maybe none of them were destined to last forever, but maybe if I had kept an easier pace love might have developed.

To prevent over-commitment (fantasizing, idealizing, or over-communicating) from happening:

Audit your previous relationships. If you don’t have any, just think about work or friends. Or whatever you might be making yourself too available for.

How often do you say yes when you really want to say no?

And if you say yes to everything, start saying NO more often. I get that it might make someone upset but it’s not your job to regulate their emotions.

Because if you want to be loved, you must first start by loving yourself.

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