Men Can Have Standards

Shaming Men as “Toxic” for having standards doesn’t change reality.

It seems like I can’t go through a day without reading another string of articles on Medium about how men are ‘toxic’ or ‘insecure’ because they don’t typically approach certain types of women.

Here’s how the narrative usually goes …

“Men are threatened by successful women.”

“He should rise to you, you shouldn’t step down to him.”

“He’s too insecure for an independent woman.”

Etcetera …

Women Can Have Standards

Before any torches and pitchforks come out, let’s just be clear that there’s nothing wrong with women having standards.

People are autonomous, and have the right to want what they want.

You can’t heal people out of desire, and trying to do so is highly destructive.

Some women prefer men who are taller … and that’s fine

Some women prefer men who are financially successful … and that’s fine

Some women prefer men who want children … and that’s fine

Some women prefer men who don’t want children … and that’s fine

Some women prefer men who are ambitious … and that’s fine

Some women prefer men who are assertive … and that’s fine

Some women prefer men who are sensitive … and that’s fine

Some women prefer men who know how to cook … and that’s fine

Some women prefer men who are physically fit … and that’s fine

The bottom-line is that women can have whatever standards for themselves that they want, and it’s nobody’s place to tell them otherwise.

OK — We Get It … So What’s The Problem?

The problem comes when (some) women transition from holding standards for men in their life to blaming men for not meeting their standards.

This is the other side of the empowerment coin…

You have the right to want whatever you want for yourself.

You have no right whatsoever to tell other people they need to change and conform to what you want.

The second part seems to be where (some) women have a problem.

Most people daydream about the joy of a compatible partner who shares your passions, loves and accepts you exactly as you are.

If you meet a person who is compatible with your wants & needs, and they also feel attracted to you, it is one of the most beautiful things in the world.

The tricky part is that you can’t force it…

Expecting People to Change is Toxic Behavior

The place where both men and women get into trouble is when they project a desire to change onto their partner.

Typically, this doesn’t happen right away.

Most people are conditioned to put their ‘best foot forward’ when dating, so they will project what they think their partner wants instead of who they authentically are.

The problem this creates is that we become attached to the persona our partner projects, which may not accurately represent who they authentically are.

There is a temptation to feel that if somebody presents a false persona and later revert to their authentic selves, then they ‘owe you’ because of the emotional pain caused by this deception.

It is certainly true that going through this discovery process is painful when you learn the person you’re with is not the same person you were initially attracted true.

However, it does not follow that this disappointment is justification to demand that they change to conform with what you desire.

Regardless of how much you have been hurt, nobody has the right to demand that another person change who they are.

Longer-Term Impacts

In addition to everything we have discussed thus far, consider that many of us (including me) were so deeply conditioned to ‘people please’ that it takes years to decades for us to discover and accept who we authentically are.

What this means is that some relationships that look very stable can seem to erupt into chaos out of the blue.

When established relationships go through abrupt changes, there is a temptation to get angry and project that anger onto your partner.

Unfortunately, this rarely results in a desirable outcome.

What it ultimately comes down to is that if two people are not compatible, it is very unlikely they will be able to continue together in happiness and harmony.

Men Can Also Have Standards …

Now we come back to the main topic that Men have the right to hold standards for their relationships, just like women.

Some men prefer women who are feminine … and that’s fine

Some men prefer women who are physically fit … and that’s fine

Some men prefer women who want a family … and that’s fine

Some men prefer women who are highly sexual … and that’s fine

Some men prefer women with low body counts … and that’s fine

Some men prefer women who earn their own money … and that’s fine

Some men prefer women are younger than them … and that’s fine

The bottom-line is that men can have whatever standards for themselves that they want, and it’s nobody’s place to tell them otherwise.

Having Standards only becomes toxic when you blame or shame people for not meeting your standards.

This applies equally to both men and women.

Having standards not toxic … blaming people for not meeting your standards is extremely toxic.

A Better Way Forward

There is a better way forward for both men and women, but it requires a lot of emotional strength and resilience to implement.

The better way is to understand who you authentically are and present it to potential partners without apology, while providing space for them to be who they authentically are.

This strategy will almost certainly result in more rejection than the traditional ‘chameleon’ approach to dating and relationships, but it will drastically increase your chance of pairing with a person who you are compatible with.

Assuming that a fulfilling relationship is your goal, I think it’s safe to say that the cost is worth the result …