…without taking dirty.
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What is one of the most wonderful events a man can experience, that just about no one talks about before it happens? This is a great guessing game question for an adult party. Give up? The answer is Semenarche. Still don’t get it? Google semenarche. An important event in a man’s life, no? In a mass culture flooded with pornography and information on sex, it’s curious that a boy’s first experience with ejaculation is seldom discussed before hand or celebrated afterword. Sex talk is still more dirty than clean. “Fuck” is a word much more likely to be a descriptor of negative thoughts and actions, then a word descriptive of the origins of a man’s life and a man’s most satisfying connections.
As a man, what was your experience like the first time you had an orgasm? What is the earliest sexual thought you can remember? What was you first sexual behavior? What have some of your most embarrassing experiences related to your sexual expression been to date? What have been some of your circumstances which set up your most pleasurable sexual experiences? What have been some of your biggest surprises when encountering sex partners? How has romantic love contributed to your sexual expression? Who taught you about sex? What good advice did you get, what not so good? How aware are you of your sexual preferences? How comfortable are you talking about them?
Many men think about sex a good deal and there is a great variety to their thoughts, but it can be surprising as to how some important sexual matters are not even day dreamed about much.
As a man, imagine how conversations about sex might go with a good male friend, a good female friend, a “friend with benefits”, a “fuck buddy”, a parent, a psychotherapist, a religious clergy person, a 12 Step Program Sponsor, a strange.
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Growing up, boys have various people that provide sex education and opportunities for dialog or not. The same, of course applies to adult men. As a man, imagine how conversations about sex might go with a good male friend, a good female friend, a “friend with benefits”, a “fuck buddy”, a parent, a psychotherapist, a religious clergy person, a 12 Step Program Sponsor, a stranger. How might sure a conversation effect your relationship with that person? Would you like that person to reciprocate in talking about their sexual experiences or not. Are you looking for someone to primarily listen and bear witness to your bare sex experiences, without judgement or advice? What type of feedback would you like? How might talking to any given person about sex change you relationship with them?
Who might be your ideal sexual experience confidant? How comfortable are you with this being a sex partner?
Such conversations rank high on the list of conversations that man traditionally have avoided, but are now interested in having. Such conversations often take a good deal of courage and benefit from a good knowledge of “safer sex conversation” precautions.
A critical consideration is a man’s history of trauma, particularly sexual abuse history. If thinking about these sexual questions bring up strong feelings of anxiety and or depression please consider seeking out a psychotherapist. The people most likely to be having therapeutic conversations with a psychotherapist are female. Seeking out such conversations is often considered to be “out of the man box” behavior. Real Men “Do It” and brag about it afterword.
Contemplating one’s sexual history and being present with all of its ambivalence is for neurotic losers or the stuff of stand up comedy routines. (This is not to say that good “stand – up” doesn’t “stand-up” as a source of inspiration in how to think about what makes your penis “stand-up.” I am being serious when I say that sexual comedy can inspire good sex conversation. I am joking when I say that I only wrote that sentence in the hope of being the first writer to use three different meanings of “stand-up” in the same sentence).
Thankfully this is beginning to change. Men, thinking about your sexuality can bring up complex thoughts and feelings. Seeking out a qualified psychotherapist to help sort out these thoughts and feelings in no way implies that you think that you thoughts might be ”psycho. ” This is worth repeating. Seeking out a psychotherapist does not require any worry on your part that you may be mentally ill.
Being open to talking about sex with a committed sex partner can go far in maintaining that commitment, with an ever emergent ecstatic sexual connection.
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When it comes to looking for a psychotherapist, do your homework. There are all sorts of people who give themselves various titles, that will take your money, (but probably not your health insurance) to have a “good” talk. Some psychotherapists have State licenses or registrations that they can lose for malpractice including ethical malpractice. Unfortunately, one of the most common types of psychotherapy malpractice is sexual involvement with clients. This is not to say that this is a common occurrence, just like not following safer sex practices doesn’t usually lead to sexually transmitted diseases.
It remains important though, in picking a psychotherapist and talking with one. A State credentialed psychotherapist will not only have training related to avoiding the dangers of sexual involvement with a client, they have credentials to lose should there be a transgression. In ongoing psychotherapeutic conversations a man can start to have sexual feelings related to their therapist, including fantasies that the professional relationship could be abandoned for a personal one. It’s good to buckle your seat belt, even when the chance of getting into a crash on any given day is extremely low. Be prepared to find another therapist if you can’t stop hoping for sex from a therapist. This is one train wreck you want to avoid.
Being open to talking about sex with a committed sex partner can go far in maintaining that commitment, with an ever emergent ecstatic sexual connection. Self reflection and disciplined conversations with carefully selected others can be excellent preparation for deeper conversations with lovers.
Men can talk about sex, without taking dirty.
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Photo credit: Getty Images
There is a typo happening twice. I believe you mean to say “talking dirty” not “taking dirty.” Otherwise, a great article I want to share!