When a father leaves his child behind, the internal dialogue begins to play on a loop.
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When it comes to relationships, one of the strikes men sometimes hold against a woman is the relationship she has with her father. A woman who has an estranged relationship with her father is seen as damaged and therefore an unsuitable partner. In other cases, men see women in these positions as particularly vulnerable and prey on them. Men are hesitant to admit it but we judge and blame women for the mistakes and shortcomings of other men before us; primarily her father.
What men fail to acknowledge is that our own relationships with our fathers or father figures greatly influence how we treat women, how we maneuver in society, and how we’ll eventually parent our own children.
A few weeks ago, I was listening to The Receipts, an UK-based all women podcast, and the topic meandered to daddy issues from the woman’s perspective. Something one of the young lady’s said stopped me dead in my tracks because it resonated deep within—“If my own dad left me, anyone can.” Little boys crave positive reinforcement from their father. They often seek to emulate their dad’s habits, the best and the worst of them, all in the name of love and hopes of receiving attention. I think boys learn early about heartbreak before they even know what to call it and it gets internalized as being emotionally immature.
When a father leaves his child behind, the internal dialogue begins to play on a loop. For women, it’s always “why wasn’t I good enough? Maybe if I had done x, y, z, my dad would have stayed. Maybe if I was this or that, my dad would love me.” But for men, the culture of toxic masculinity kicks into overdrive. The remnants of our hurt develop this hard, impenetrable shell. We don’t let anyone in too close and we don’t let ourselves love too much because that means nothing and no one can ever hurt us.
Toxic masculinity in my opinion embodies outward expression through anger, violence, aggression, and intimidation. You basically are a walking time-bomb and those around you are forced to walk on their tip toes. Thinking of this in the context of fatherhood, some men suffer from daddy issues because they grew up living in a proverbial land mine.
Society has this framework that believes boys can’t be victims.
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A present father who is abusive and angry is arguably just as bad as a father who is never around. Inflicting pain and trauma daily leaves scars that requires intense therapy to heal. Some never truly grow past their tumultuous childhood. I think about this as it relates to cops and firefighters – statistically, generations of cops are often likely to abuse alcohol and have high rates of domestic violence. But no one talks about it because a) the blue code of silence and b) we regard them as heroes. Toxic masculinity allows men to co-exist on two planes; particularly if you’re a straight, white male. However, it doesn’t absolve those men from experiencing the perils of suffering from the same daddy issues that cripple their self-esteem and self-worth as men of color.
I struggled with this a lot as I re-visited the podcast episode and saw Denzel Washington’s award-winning adaptation of August Wilson’s play Fences. At the center of the film is a father who essentially is frustrated with how his life has ended up. By virtue of the time he lives in, he was resolved to a plain life of taking care of his family and working a job he hated. He drinks, he angrily berates both of his sons (one of which he didn’t raise), and he cheats on his loyal wife. The way Troy Maxson (Washington) lives his life as a father felt familiar to me.
Society has this framework that believes boys can’t be victims. We’re taught to not cry, to never show weakness, to never break. As a kid, I remember instances of my father being mean simply to toughen me up. It worked but not necessarily in the way he intended. His treatment hardened me to the point where I hurt others. I didn’t have compassion for a long time. And to be honest, I didn’t understand the heartbreak my father had caused me until I’d experienced it through someone else. Men sometimes can’t fully grasp the concept of compassion until it’s extended to them in a moment when they don’t deserve it.
“Papa was like a shadow that followed you everywhere. I’ve got to find a way to get rid of that shadow, Mama.”
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We have to be comfortable with accepting that daddy issues aren’t relegated women and daughters. It’s a dark secret that permeates every part of our lives. If your father was around but not present, perhaps you struggle with knowing how to emotionally connect and communicate your needs. You may also not know how to wholly love yourself and in turn let someone love you. If your father abandoned you, there’s a high chance that you think everybody is against you. You relish loneliness and anger because it’s predictable and easy. That’s the existence Troy chooses. He’s merely a body but his soul was long gone and it showed in how he treated those closest to him.
There’s a pivotal scene in Fences that brought me to tears because it’s a moment of clarity and closure that so many men need to embrace. After Troy passes away, his son comes home to say his final goodbye and he says to his mother, “Papa was like a shadow that followed you everywhere. I’ve got to find a way to get rid of that shadow, Mama.”
The sins of our fathers weigh us down. We try so hard to become different than our fathers that sometimes we become worst. The best way to deal with daddy issues is to have a thorough conversation about them. Then you have to be active in unlearning all the behavioral patterns your father exhibited that hurt you the most. Lastly, shed the shame of vocally saying that your father broke your heart. Because once you say it, his shadow can’t hurt you anymore.
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Photo: Getty Images
Fantastic article!