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First, I want to say that I am genuinely curious. I am asking this question from only the most loving and open-minded place. I am not accusing anyone of anything, and I honestly don’t want anyone to feel defensive.
I am simply fascinated by the complete and utter radio silence from the vast majority of men when it comes to the ongoing sexual harassment stories we are hearing about in the media.
And I want to understand.
I started thinking about this question last fall, not too long after the story about Harvey Weinstein first broke. The sheer number of years and appalling nature of all of the claims of sexual harassment against him were hard to digest. But then more stories started coming out about other men.
One after another, women were feeling empowered to come forward and report their own experiences of being sexually harassed by men in a position of power. The last time I checked, the count was up to more than 50 men whose names we would all recognize. That was before the holidays, and I can think of a handful who have been added to that list just within the last week alone.
I started thinking about this question back when our president had his infamous conversation with Billy Bush on board a bus. A conversation which saw Bush getting immediately fired from his position at NBC, while Trump went on to win the presidential election. Most people agreed that Trump’s comments were reprehensible, and there was a lot of rolling of the eyes and denouncing of his words from most people I know—men included.
But I wondered about the “locker room talk” aspect of the story. I absolutely do not believe that any conversation like that one is acceptable. But do men have a different experience? Are they brought up to believe that if there are only men around, then it’s perfectly okay to talk like this (even if not to this extreme)? There has to be an origin for that phrase, locker room talk, so I’d really like to know—what is, and is absolutely not, considered okay to talk about when it’s just the guys?
I wondered about it at the time, but like anything else, that question faded into the background as time passed.
Then the long-overdue topic came back full-force this fall, starting with Harvey Weinstein. Again, with his scandal, I saw a collective shaking of our heads and rolling of our eyes, but I definitely felt somewhat removed from the conversation. I wasn’t familiar with Weinstein, outside of recognizing his name from the film industry.
So it seemed like the people I knew—men and women—were happy about a lech like him getting his comeuppance, but assumed that this story would eventually fade into the background, too. Even though it had shined a much-needed spotlight on an issue that most women have dealt with at some point in their lives.
But then—thank goodness—women felt empowered. And they came forward. In droves.
Every day, it was another conversation, and sometimes more than once a day:
“Did you hear about so-and-so today?”
“Oh my gosh, you’re kidding!”
“Did you hear about so-and-so today?”
“Not him! I love his show! Ugh!”
“Did you hear about so-and-so today?”
“Noooooooooooo!!!”
Somewhere in the middle of all of these stories emerging about what women have had to endure for years, the silence began.
While at first, it seemed like the reactions consisted of disgust, eye-rolling, and conversation, it didn’t take long for those reactions to evolve into less outrage and more shaking of the head—and then quickly moving onto the next conversation.
Women created the #MeToo movement, and some men seemingly moved on. There were some men who shared their own MeToo stories, and some others wrote about their support for women in coming forward and speaking out. But it seemed like they were the exception.
Is it because they were afraid of saying the wrong thing? Are you? I can think of a few male celebrities who spoke out about it and received some backlash for their opinions. Is that why there is silence?
That much, I absolutely understand. For a long time, I was silent about my own white privilege and the rampant racism in America. Because I didn’t want to say the wrong thing. I wasn’t sure I had the right to say anything. Who am I to talk about racism when I’ve lived the privileged life I have?
But Charlottesville and Brené Brown finally made me break my own deafening silence. I was outraged over what I witnessed happening at the hate rally on television last August, and I wanted to speak out, but I didn’t know how. I didn’t know what words to use or what to say, and I especially didn’t want to say anything that would hurt anybody out of my naivete.
And then Brené Brown went on Facebook Live to help us process and navigate our feelings about what we were witnessing in Charlottesville. And while she was speaking about racism and white privilege specifically, this part of the conversation was what really stuck with me:
“If you talk about it, you are inviting a sh*tstorm. Because you will not do it perfectly. And some people will use your imperfection and trying to have real conversations as a weapon. That’s okay. Because to opt out of the conversation, because you can’t do it perfectly, is the definition of privilege…because you can walk away from the conversation. Because you’re not affected by it the minute you wake up…”
As soon as I heard her say those words, I knew it was true. And I applaud the men who are speaking out about MeToo and TimesUp—even if they are doing it imperfectly and inviting a sh*tstorm.
Last week at The Golden Globes, the ongoing silence became deafening. Everyone wore black. And wore their “TimesUp” pins. And almost every woman on the red carpet and on stage spoke out about the TimesUp campaign.
But the men—most of them, anyway—were noticeably silent.
I watched The Golden Globes with my best friend, and we were so moved by the women’s speeches, tearing up almost every time another woman spoke her truth.
And spoke our truth for us.
And when Oprah got us on stage and gave her speech to end all speeches? It was full-on Ugly Cry time. It was a pivotal moment for all women. I am so happy that my teenage daughter came into the living room as soon as the speech started, and saw how it affected my best friend and me.
I am not the only one to notice how silent men have been about it, as there have been numerous articles written about it this past week. Knowing that the majority of men I know don’t watch The Golden Globes, I wondered if they watched Oprah’s speech the next day, or sometime this past week? Were they at all compelled to understand why their wives and sisters and daughters were crying? Why it meant so much to them? Why it made the headlines the next morning on the news? Were you curious? Would you watch her speech now?
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So, men, this is where I want to create an actual conversation—an open and honest dialogue about what your personal experience has been. Without defensiveness or judgment or accusations.
I want to know if you’ve been silent, or if you’ve been one of the few speaking out? If so, what is influencing you in making that decision?
Please share your respectful comments below—or better yet, write your own article and tell us in your own beautiful, imperfect words why you’ve been silent or outspoken.
I am inviting the sh*tstorm so that we can have a real conversation about a subject that moves the women in our country to tears.
Because we don’t have the privilege of opting out of the conversation.
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#MeToo is part a backlash against the Donald getting the presidency. Women’s blood was boiling – and rightly so, Trump was not as evolved as any recent president, so it was understandable. However, if the likes of Kevin Spacey, Roman Polanski, Harvey Weinstein, and Tom Hanks act like horse manure, then Hollywood (and the fame industry) needs to get its house in order. Don’t trickle down blame to regular guys, doing regular jobs, who are good men. The bad behavior that triggered the #MeToo campaign is a Hollywood issue period. We men are not talking about it since it is… Read more »
Ever meet a woman supporting and speaking up about men’s rights (e.g. father’s rights). Me neither. Seems like we’re headed this way as a culture.
It’s simple actually. Women have it tough physically while men mentally, in life. Acknowledgement from both for their respective insecurities is lacking and depending upon it leads to even more disappointment. It’s better to sort yourself out instead of approvals to make you feel better. Good and bad both happen, learning to move on is the only way forward. Remember, you can only control you.
Christy… What you are writing about is caused by the white male patriarchy that has ruled this country since its inception. Now that you are woke, I hope you will be able to stand up for the black women AND men who do not have the luxury of the same white privilege that enables the misogyny you rightfully oppose.
I posted on FB an article written by an angry woman. It started out something like “Listen up men, I’m only going to explain this once…” she went on to explain very clearly why the rampant sexism in our culture was demeaning and unproductive, but because she was so angry (which I liked, frankly) she used quite a few expletives in the article. The one male friend who commented on my post told me that she lost him at the opening sentence. He found it highly offensive to be told to listen up and to be told she would explain… Read more »
The reason I personally don’t say much is because generally speaking the acceptance of men’s voices in these conversations has been conditional. Conditional on the basis that unless a man is offering unyielding support or praise for women anything he says will be taken in the absolute worst possible faith. This is the abortion conversation all over again. For decades men were told “if you don’t ovulate stay out of the debate” and despite the number of women who are against it as well anti abortion sentiment has nearly always been gendered as male. Frankly Christy for the most part… Read more »
My initial question is actually what about all the women who support Trump and brush off his comments? I think it evidences that we are, in general, socialized (and have been since at least the Middle Ages) to treat women like shit. It’s a longer conversation, and one we should have for sure. Men feel entitled; women are our property. We paid your dad in cows and goats for you. We own you with that ring. It’s an ownership (subject/object) mentality, sadly, and it’s slowly starting to change. But slowly. I asked my friends in Europe and they hadn’t heard… Read more »
Hi Christy. Thank you for the article. I’m going to think about it a while and write a more substantive response.
I will say that I’m saddened but not surprised by the negative reaction from some of the people below. This is a complex subject to tackle and many men (myself included) aren’t sure how to approach it without feeling like admitting we are part of the problem, or that we will be painted as such. But that said, this is a conversation that must happen.
The answer is simple. I don’t care. I’m guilty by association so why bother? Sins of the father and all that. Whatever, focused apathy is a great stress management tool. You say you don’t have the privilege of opting out of the conversation? Well, in this conversation opting out is the only privilege I have. Good luck with the herbivore thing.
Because – Matt Damon? Male opinions are, in general, not welcomed on this topic. Whatever a man says will inevitably be “wrong” and will trigger someone and will likely not be listened to or understood, but instead will be derided and delegitimized as “mansplaining”. Many women are rightly very angry about this issue and in their anger are not yet ready (and likely will not be for some time) to listen to anything most men might say. Even some women who disagree with them on some topics are now targets of vitriolic abuse. What hope does a man have in… Read more »
Hi Christy, thanks for publishing this article as it forced me to think about a few things. I spent about 2 hours crafting a response and settled on just two simple points. Please don’t brush them off. 1. In my own words, a big reason why I stay silent is because no woman has genuinely asked for my opinion. 2. I get the vibe that women think I can’t understand them, or the things they go through. If I’m honest, that hurts. Men are brimming with complexity and subtext, much more than our culture gives us credit for. I encourage… Read more »
I guess I am the only man on here that supports this article; this was beautifully written and brave of you to share. I am saddened that you are getting so much criticism for voicing your opinions. I wonder to myself, if a man wrote this article would he be getting so much disrespect? I support you 100% and all women who speak out. Thank you so much for writing this and shame on those who continue to disrespect women behind a computer screen.
So you first suggest men are privileged and then invite us to dialogue with you in a non-judgmental forum? Men have nothing to gain in speaking up and everything to lose. So you cried because of Oprah and that’s a teachable moment for me? Oprah makes every woman cry, that’s her spiel. Pathos and sentimentality make for poor politics, especially when the real aim is to change the definition of consent in ways that doubly implicate men while absolving women of responsibility and agency (see Aziz brouhaha). I have everything to lose and nothing to gain by having this conversation.… Read more »