Men, Do We Understand What It Means to Be a Friend?

Men, do we understand what it means to be a friend?

I’ve been thinking and reading lately about friendship and specifically my lack of male friends. After reading several random articles, I decided to go back to the beginning and start with the definition. As one does today, I went to an AI engine and asked what is the definition of a friend.

• A friend is a person with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically a relationship that is not based on blood or romantic ties. This connection is often characterized by trust, support, loyalty, and shared interests or experiences.
• Trust: Friends rely on each other and feel safe sharing personal thoughts and feelings.
• Support: They offer help and encouragement during both good times and bad.
• Loyalty: They stand by each other, even in difficult situations.
• Shared Experience: Friends often enjoy spending time together and have a mutual understanding of each other’s lives.

The term “friend” can be used informally to refer to a casual acquaintance, but it most often implies a deeper, more meaningful connection.

How many of us men have a male in our lives who is not family that meets this definition? I have several women who meet this definition – I’m in a Bridge club and those ladies are my friends. No men. I always thought my bar for calling someone a friend was high and this is even higher. I’m in my 50s and I’m sure that I have never had a male friend who meets this standard.

This generated two thoughts. First, what’s wrong with me, and second, is the definition correct?  Setting the first question aside; is this definition correct in our world? With life accelerating, is it even possible to create a relationship with someone who is not a spouse or significant other? I hope the answer is yes as I’m on somewhat of a mission to prove myself correct. Spoiler alert: It’s not going very well.

With the epidemic of loneliness especially with us males, how do we return to formula and teach each other that this is the goal? I’m fairly sure that if I showed this definition to a male acquaintance of mine, he would think I’m trying to make a pass at him and he would immediately lose my phone number. He would also ask others, “Hey, what’s wrong with Mark?”.

Taken in absence of any context, I think the definition is correct. I think it is something we should want in addition to a spouse or a sibling. Wouldn’t each of us benefit from having a relationship like this with someone or multiple someones around us? If we’re all honest with ourselves, I think the answer is yes. So why doesn’t it happen?

I myself am guilty of keeping most people (men and women) at some distance. It’s a casualty of the way I was raised, to be independent, capable, and strong. “Your friends will always screw you” my Mom used to say. It turns out that she was deathly afraid of me falling into the wrong crowd so therefore, no friends was better. Today, I’m trying to change. I’m trying to be more open to deeper relationships and I am finding it very difficult. Men just don’t seem to do this.  I know I don’t have the skills

They will talk to you for hours about sports, politics, woodworking, even yard work but you’ll walk away not knowing them any better than when the conversation started.  You won’t know anything about them. You’ll know whether they are a Giants or a Jets fan but you won’t know how many kids they have, when they were married, is it their first marriage or their fourth, are they healthy, where do their kids live, what do they do, nothing that really matters. Why is that?

For men, this kind of stuff is hard. When I’m around the Bridge club, these personal things are most of what they talk about – the health and happiness of their families and friends. Being open to personal discussions is tough. We were brought up to believe that stuff didn’t affect us. If we were sick or our children were sick, we were concerned but it didn’t bother us. We did everything we could to help but we weren’t upset. Our skin was as thick as it was tough.

I would argue, this doesn’t work today for most of us. We need closer, personal relationships that match the definition above. We need to be more open and less worried about the impression of weakness. The world is complicated and getting ever more difficult. We need more than acquaintances to get through the day. Having a spouse is wonderful and I’m so lucky to have the greatest one in the world (sorry everyone, I’m sure yours is good too); however, we need more. We need friends to meet this definition to remain healthy. Let’s keep trying.

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This Post is republished on Medium.

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Photo credit: iStock