Life is emotion in motion
Like women, men are the sum total of everything in their genetic make-up, every emotion, thought, feeling, and experience that the brain records applies to our learning.
Add to that, everything in the surrounding environment, and every epigenetic factor that is triggered by all of the above, and you have a full human being trying to comprehend one’s self.
There is still much debate as to whether we are able to have truly free will, or whether our decisions are entirely predetermined by these many unconscious factors. Either way, human beings necessarily have the sense of agency — determination — that tells us we can decide to go left or right, be good or bad, choose gray or blue, or try to make sense of what we see around us.
Emotions happen in the body. Our lives are emotion in motion and place. What we come to know about our human emotions can be called emotional intelligence.
Let’s look then at some of what we learn socially about male and female roles and how they apply to our emotional strengths.
Maybe one reason men say they can’t understand women is because our socialization does repeat this many times. It is reinforced by common culture. Such reinforced concepts include: women are more emotional, men are more stoic, women are more nurturing, men are more detached, women are more expressive, men are more competitive, men are more confident, women are more accommodating, men are more physical and spatial, women are more intuitive, and so on.
Stereotypes such as these do exist, whether or not we agree that they are true.
The measure of the man
Women are stereo-typically described as having a higher emotional intelligence quotient, EQ, whereas men are traditionally seen as having an higher IQ, or Intelligence Quotient.
There are problematic forces at work in both assumptions, because truly measuring EQ or IQ is only generally approximate and buffered about by environmental and cultural factors itself. In the case of EQ assessments, much of any collection of data is by self-report.
Do men have lower Emotional Intelligence? Traditionally, for so long as assertiveness and certain kinds of competitiveness and domination was more expected from men than from women, yes. We don’t know entirely why. This could be because any emotional intelligence that was naturally occurring was ignored, or not noticed and honored.
We do know that what we think has largely to do with what we are taught to believe. How we react and behave then follows.
Changing Emotional intelligence
Yet, everything in both our brains and socialization is in constant flux. Boys and men are now learning that caring about the emotions of other people, and exercising social sensitivity is important.
We may joke, or even complain, about being ‘woke’ but nevertheless being aware of others — and fairness- adds to our increasing mind set about our world.
Emotional strength is also hugely dependent upon resilience. Being aware and being resilient in the face of obstacles and/or conflict helps men and women navigate relationships from intimate to corporate.
Girls and women have historically been assigned more roles of support, cooperation, and accommodation. These characteristics serve very well in a classroom, or any learning situation. This could help explain why girls excel in school and graduate more often. They quickly learn the system and adapt to it. They are socially rewarded for “good” behavior.
Boys who learn this adjustment also often excel, but then, also, competition may come into it for them, and they are often rewarded for being boisterous and assertive, receiving contradicting mixed messages.
There are few ways to factor out which particular attributes lead to success. Even an attitude that someone believes along the lines of “Well, I can succeed very well without formal education” can sometimes lead to great levels of accomplishment according to what a person learns to value most.
True emotional intelligence can be put to use best, then, by teaching people awareness about having it and putting it to use.
Encouraging emotional strength
What can be assessed, and has been written about, are some of the identifiable features of emotional strength we can encourage. Among these are self-awareness of what you feel physically and mindfully, self-regulation of those emotions and feelings, social skills that utilize empathy, and motivation to use all of these to learn and grow among others.
Children now learn that being just and fair, sharing, and caring, is more desirable as a leadership skill than other significant factors.
Being emotionally intelligent and strong are very human attributes. We do a disservice when we try too hard to parse out which is ‘more’ male or ‘more’ female. It is useful for the general public to know that some people struggle, and in these areas we should increase our effort to help individuals cultivate emotional EQ and emotional resilience.
It helps to tell children it’s okay to feel whatever they feel. It is anti-social behavior that must be kept in check. Emotions are normal. Feelings about our emotions are normal.
Even adults who were taught it’s wrong to feel or express sadness or anger can encourage children to know it’s not wrong to feel. Lifelong compassion and empathy are recognized and reinforced this way.
Eventually, culture and learning catches up and all of us are more emotionally intelligent.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Mubariz Mehdizadeh on Unsplash
