Editor’s note: This post was submitted as a comment to Mark Greene’s essay The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer.
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This was a really great article depicting the silent struggle many men are facing today either knowingly or unknowingly. Unfortunately, many men are not getting their needs met and are hiding behind any number of crutches to fill the void. There is a continuum of coping mechanisms at play and those who fail to cope can find themselves in debilitating depression and/or ultimately choosing suicide. Drugs, alcohol, promiscuous sex, gambling, and counterfeit surrogate families like gangs promise belonging and fulfillment but fail to deliver in the long run.
Like the author previously stated, the majority of men seek social touch exclusively with women. One potential pitfall becomes apparent when a guy realizes that either a woman is not always available or he is not good with entertaining women from start to finish.
Some men are just silently enduring an anguish that they can’t describe or put language to because they haven’t had appropriate models to demonstrate appropriate behavior. Thus, men don’t know what they don’t know much less how to fix it. If only the older guys would share with the younger guys. Sadly, we as a society look to the approval of others for what is appropriate, how to act, and what we should want and not from within more thoughtfully and aggressively.
The author purports that Puritanical cultural roots are to blame for where men currently are in our mental health. In my opinion, Hollywood is the biggest challenge to men and masculinity. Hollywood is the dominant cultural shift changer of attitudes, beliefs, and values. The movies are where we get our social cues as to what is admirable and what is to be eschewed.
I watched a documentary on cinema and how early moviegoers’ attitudes, values, and beliefs were easily influenced by movies. If an actor or actress was very well-liked or generally accepted their outlook and approach to life was swiftly adopted. Case in point, Marlon Brando was a highly esteemed, handsome actor who men paid close attention towards emulating. During a bedroom scene Marlon’s sex appeal was accentuated by standing shirtless in long pajama bottoms next to a bedroom doorway while he chatted with his co-star. He sheepishly smiled in his signature way and turned off to bed. That may not seem like much to us today but at the time it caused the textile industry to lose millions of dollars in revenue because men came to the collective realization that they didn’t need a t-shirt to go to bed. Thus, men everywhere who went to bed wearing a t-shirt now began to go to be without one as they reasoned it was unnecessary as modeled by Marlon Brando.
The movies act as a veritable status buffet guide for what we should wear, how we should speak, and what we should find attractive. Hollywood invites the watcher into a fantasy of life in someone else’s make-believe-world and the general public is left yearning espouse their way of doing things.
How does this relate to men and touch you ask? Well, let’s look at where we have been in the last 103 years in cinema. Oscar Wilde originally opined in his 1889 essay ‘The Decay of Lying’ that, “Life imitates Art far more than Art imitates Life”. If the cinema is art, it has certainly gained a place in our lives as a fantasy perfect life we run to which we sometimes mistakenly believe is a real life we must strive after. “Don’t believe everything in the movies you see”, said my Dad.
We’ve gone from the close and chumminess of the 1917’s Laurel and Hardy silent films to the shared chemistry of 1930’s ‘The Three Stooges’ to Solitary-Independent style manhood.
The subconscious element that made these early big screen relationships work was their togetherness and comedy. The men were close and approachable. During the film progression the men could be seen jumping into each other’s arms reacting to a fright, side shoulder hugs, and even bathing together like the nursery rhyme, “Rub-A-Dub-Dub, Three Men in a Tub”.
Somewhere, along the way, ‘Solitary/ Independent/ Go-It-Alone’ masculinity was depicted by Hollywood and it gradually picked up steam among popular culture. The Lone Ranger developed in 1949 from an earlier prototype of solitary cowboy masculinity. The brothers of Bonanza were popular but John Wayne movies became the cult favorite among Americans during the latter ’50s, and up until the late ’70s. His character’s mindset of ‘Take the bad buys on by yourself’ and ‘Pick yourself up by your own bootstraps’ approach cemented and glorified men’s eventual isolationism as he rode off into the sunset alone with his horse and his dog by his side.
The character John Waye has been reborn, reincarnated, and made unattainable in superheroes like Superman, Batman, Spiderman, and so on. Nowadays, with the Avenger’s Series, X-MEN Series, and other Marvel Movies, Hollywood is showing us that collaboration of superheroes is the new normal. Going it alone is so 20th century. Not only that but the female empowerment of women as superheroes is a common theme not seen in the early days of film. Cinema is now showing us that it is possible for strong feminine sexually women to work heroically alongside men and even save men unlike in the past!
The point I’m trying to make is that the movies have been our role models to largely our detriment. We didn’t know what we would lose when a whole two generations before us thought the Lone Ranger model of independent masculinity was ideal. No one sees the loneliness, isolation, depression, despair, when the job is done and there is no bad guy to combat. We as men are now left trying to figure out what it is we want as we fight to make a living. So many men are on different levels of self-discovery that if we approach them before they are ready it can spook them and ultimately discourage the initiator.
It will take more articles like the author here to inspire the general population of men before moviemakers go deeper in the direction that is widely visible and acceptable. Recently, Hollywood is trying to at least identify the problem of Male friendlessness but whether or not it is the topic of box office gold is yet to be seen. Movies like, ‘I Love You Man’ where a bro-less man who comes to the realization that he has no close male friends have come to the forefront. The storyline depicted a man planning on getting married is hard-pressed to find a best man and groomsmen to attend his upcoming wedding ceremony in a relatively short period of time.
What is the answer for men who are starving for platonic touch?
Well, first we need to identify what we want, then what we are scared of in particular, how to make steps to overcome obstacles. Then we need to find who we will get those needs met by and how. Men are afraid of being vulnerable and it is irrational. An older wiser man shared with me his conclusion that men can be irrational or unnecessarily aggressive when it comes to defending their fragile manhood.
Aggression and anger are responses we know how to use when we feel threatened by what we don’t understand. Gay men are afraid of straight men, as they think they will be beaten up or bullied. Alternatively, Straight men are afraid of gay men thinking gay men will exercise some hidden power over them that is somehow inconceivable and irreversible. Homophobia is taught and so few men come to a realization we have more similarities than differences. Moreover, we have been trained not to share our feelings and sometimes our feelings overwhelm us. Being labeled as weak is another dilemma. Rejection is another pitfall as men hate the thought of being misunderstood and rejected.
Second, we need to communicate and dare to share what we need. Sharing requires a safe space and place. I’ve attended Mankind Project and other men’s groups and have been surprised that men are really trying to open up and reach out. The thing is that you have to start somewhere, open up, and test everything. I’ve started small and it’s hard. The craziest thing is that some men are doing just that, testing the waters and diving in when they have no other option. I’ve chatted up the UPS driver for months as he delivered packages. When his mother died, I could visibly see he was ready for a hug as he shared his ordeal of her impending funeral. It’s hard even when you want to reach out because of social norms I held back the hug he should have gotten and I never saw him again.
Guys, don’t be so hard on yourself. Just know that giving and receiving is awkward when you have to break social norms. Just know that we here in the forum are on the cultural forefront and it is difficult being pioneers. I’ve been asked for a hug all of a sudden by the maintenance men in my building and I thought I was alone in my isolation struggle. What I learned was that you have to sort of gangster your needs in boldness by testing the boundaries. Then follow that up and see if the boundaries are hard boundaries through communication body language and allowing room for ‘The Exit’ if the esteem were not mutual. It was a great start of friendship I might add.
Those circumstances are few and far between and a second opportunity is less likely to occur so you will have to be quick. There are some great social experiments on YouTube. If you search for ‘Softly Touching Another Dude Prank (TADS)’, Bro Pick Up, and Guys picking up guys {gay and straight} social experiment will embolden you to go on the adventure. Nothing is promised. Life is an ongoing NEGOTIATION. You will be surprised how straight guys asking guys to hang out with ambiguous intentions plays out.
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This post was written (Oct. 2020) as a comment to a 2018 essay by Mark Greene:
The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer
Mark Greene explores how, in American culture, men avoid all contact rather than risk even the hint of causing unwanted sexual touch.
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