These days we should all be wearing our hyper-masculine and hyper-feminine masks. Men in particular are urged to conform to these new standards since masculinity was already on the chopping block even before the recent U.S election and the rise of the orange autocrat.
In psychology circles, the term “masking” is generally reserved for neurodivergent individuals whose natural way of being is constantly at odds with societal norms. It is commonly applied to persons with autism, ADHD and other neurological or mental health disorders who exhibit a variety of traits such as avoiding eye contact; self-stimulation or stimming; physical, vocal or facial tics; or a profound need to be alone.
I am a neurodivergent individual and I greatly respect my brothers and sisters who work so hard to find ways of fitting in with neurotypical society, although I often wish it were not necessary. But let’s step back and broaden our view of “masking” since it seems curiously apropos to the current political moment.
In broad terms, masking, sometimes known as social camouflaging, is a defensive behavior in which an individual conceals their natural personality or behavior in response to social pressure, abuse, or harassment. In the current moment, it is also very important for fitting into the dominant (or domineering) aesthetic of the Trump administration.
Here by decree, the simple binary is back: men are men and women are women, supposedly natural full-grown identities from sexes assigned at birth. Recently covered by The Washington Post and sometimes known as “Trump Trad,” the president’s followers are urged to mimic a style no one can sufficiently explain.
According to the Post:
“Trump deploys a range of cultural signifiers to appeal to the motley alliance that put him in office: Christian nationalists, the manosphere, alt-righters and assorted nostalgists who seek to return the United States to some imagined past.”
Those joining the president’s orbit are encouraged to align their appearance with his tastes. Men appear to be all wearing the same 1980s dark suit, white shirt and red tie. Women are encouraged to “dress like women,” in particular, in dresses that accentuate their figures, keep their hair long in wavy “Utah curls,” and wear heavy foundation makeup.
And there is more to this aggressive masculine posturing. Many of the men currently associated with the administration, including the president himself, have been accused of sexual assault against women. Trump himself was famously caught on tape bragging that he liked to “grab women by the pussy.” There are also numerous allegations of sexual assault and defamation against Mr. Trump, all of which makes him a hero of the manosphere and alt-right crowds.
Then there is the president’s fondness for WWE wrestling and UFC or Ultimate Fighting Championship events. The WWE produces largely scripted events featuring cartoonish superhero characters, whereas UFC events offer far more brutal and bloody real fighting contests, curiously featuring both men and women in separate events, but usually on the same card.
What does this mean for the rest of us? First, if you are not part of the newly proclaimed binary, you can give up any silly thoughts you may have had about being queer, trans or bisexual. You no longer exist. Second, if you are a woman who believes in bodily autonomy, then this would be a good time to consider a self-defense class. Finally, if you are courting any desire to fit in with this formerly retro aesthetic, then you will need to engage in some serious masking.
How Do You Mask?
Most reasonably healthy adults engage in some form of masking at least some of the time. How we dress for the office, or report to work at the construction site, is different from how we dress for an evening out with friends. Most adults will appear different going out on a date versus sitting around watching the big game.
For the most part, these are not dress codes per se, but rather broad expectations on how to fit in, how to make a good first impression, to appear in control, or to appear sexy. In this sense, masking is arguably about both making a certain impression while covering up something real and honest about ourselves.
It is also important to understand that masking is by its nature imperfect. It is not a disguise exactly, but more of an impression. When I walk into a friend’s party, for example, I will actively mask my tics and switch “on” my learned fluent vocal skills. Is it a perfect disguise? No, not by any means. But I can get by in a way that is more socially comfortable.
I have been asked if I am trying to “pass” as a neurotypical person. “Passing” is not the same as masking. While some neurodivergent individuals may be able to “pass” as typical, sadly, most of us cannot.
Passing I believe is a much more intense pattern of disguising oneself to appear as something or someone else entirely. The term has a significant and important history including Blacks using lighteners to pass as White folks, lesbian women conforming to certain dress and mannerisms to pass as straight, even women disguising themselves as men to fight behind enemy lines or to work as war correspondents.
What are Men Masking?
Just as clothes cover our nakedness, masking covers up our vulnerabilities, our socially questionable traits, and our deepest desires. In any aggressively masculine context, men understand that fitting in requires closing off considerable aspects of their personalities. They must not show vulnerability, fear or awkwardness. They must also avoid touching either men or women except in the most restricted and socially defined ways. They must utilize eye contact to appear suitably aggressive, but at the same time, be careful to keep it brief.
Beyond a doubt, men know to avoid displaying vulnerability. In trad masculine circles, they must act with certainty, project dominance, and be in control. In mixed company, this can get tricky. And the one obvious exception to this rule is when approaching a woman romantically. In many situations, exposing a bit of vulnerability reveals something honest that a potential romantic interest may appreciate.
Men also routinely mask sexual desire, again except in the most highly restricted ways. Out with the guys and talking about women, for example: they know they are all dogs and this can be fun. Of course women mask sexual desire even more fiercely than men, since they are risking not only acceptable standards of feminine behavior but potentially their very lives.
Finally, men routinely mask their uniqueness as individuals. They are so accustomed to “acting like one of the guys” or “acting manly for the ladies” that many never get to experience their true selves in social context. As a result, many men live with a deep disconnect between the masks they wear and the unfamiliar and vaguely embarrassing true selves which lurk somewhere deep down. This can lead to loneliness and despair, even alcoholism and suicide.
Downsides of Masking
There are two additional risks related to masking. The first is intentionally masking for nefarious purposes. Playing the smooth, doe-eyed romantic with the goal of picking up women and later assaulting them — is one particularly dangerous example. Men are often victims as well, for example by enticing them into phoney financial schemes, “borrowing” a person’s car, or showing an interest in a man’s photographic equipment only to be subjected to armed robbery later.
The second is a downside for the honest person who is doing the masking. Excessive reliance on this strategy can lead to stress, exhaustion, burnout, and loss of identity. Masking or camouflaging has been linked to heightened levels of anxiety and depression. The more an individual engages in camouflaging, the more difficult honest emotional regulation becomes, and the greater their perceived stress. This is as true for neurodivergent persons as it is for social maskers.
Getting Beyond the Mask
As useful as masking is, there are situations in which it becomes an impediment to truthful and honest relationships. Two men becoming close friends is one example. At some point, the masks must be removed and each individual exposed with all of his imperfections. This can be a test of a true friendship, but it is essential. Male friends need to get to a point where they can be completely honest with each other, or else it will likely not last.
The same applies to a budding romantic relationship, especially as is very common, the two individuals met while fully masked. As the relationship evolves and trust develops, the masks need to be pulled away. This can be an awkward and fearful adjustment, but with time and patience, it may be accomplished one step at a time.
Redirecting Masking Energy
For those of us who are accustomed to masking, and assuming that we have established a healthy balance between masking and rest (in whatever form that is required), masking energy may be a very powerful resource. In certain ways and for certain individuals, masking may produce self-confidence, increase self-esteem, and offer a mirror image from which we may derive genuinely positive character traits.
This is related to the well-known aphorism “Fake it till you make it.” With sufficient practice, any skill which we start out acting or masking may begin to feel so natural that we incorporate it into our true selves. The remaining masking energy is then redirected to support self-realization or to accomplish real-life goals.
Got an invitation to join the president’s staff? Guys, you can find those 1980’s dark suits at your local consignment shop. Ladies, remember, body-hugging dresses with heels, oh, and don’t forget the Utah curls!
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Vic Caldarola is the founder and lead facilitator of the Shine a Light Men’s Project, a men’s mindfulness discussion program. He holds a PhD in Communication Studies.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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