What do men need in a loving relationship?
The short answer to this question may surprise you. Men need a great deal from a relationship. We are not as simple as we may seem. Men have incredibly deep emotional needs. We experience emotions and heal differently than women do. For a deeper exploration of this, you can read Why is Emotional Healing So Much More Difficult For Men?
Men do better in a relationship than we do when we are on our own. We may seem that we could be fine on our own, but we prefer to be together with someone else. We love being loved even though the experience of being loved may scare the hell out of us. The fact that men have improved health in a relationship isn’t really on our minds. Nor is the fact that we will live longer when we are with someone. And no, it isn’t really about the sex.
Men crave love and we do better when we are both in love and being loved. It is true that men can feel terrified about intimacy, but despite this, more men will seek out the experience of an intimate relationship than will decide to go it alone.
For many men, we need relationships because we know that love can warm you up and make you more than you could be on your own.
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For many man, being in love is a little like living inside of a haunted house. The ghosts have been chased out and the house is no longer haunted, but it still contains rooms full of mystery. We know that we have skeletons lurking somewhere in the home, but it’s not really about that anymore. It’s just that love lets us make it a home again. For many men, we need relationships because we know that love can warm you up and make you more than you could be on your own.
Men need four things from a relationship
- Sex – Men crave sex not only for the physical act, but for what it makes us feel. Sex meets many of our needs that we may have difficulty articulating. It is not just about the pleasure.
- Affection – Men need to be loved. Being in a relationship is about feeling cared for and men, no matter how hard or distant we may seem, we need to be cared for. We may experience difficulty letting our guard down, but that does not minimize our need for love.
- To be seen – In the movie Avatar, community members greeted one another by saying “I see you.” It is an acknowledgement of who a person is, seeing them and knowing them. Men want their partners to “see” them. Not simply seeing their flaws and how they can disappoint. But being known and loved for who they are, in spite of their flaws.
- Respected – Men crave respect from our most intimate relationships. Many times men can feel insecure and a close and loving relationship can be both reassuring and healing. Healthy relationships can change you and men are willing to take this journey, even when it can be scary.
We become more of who we are meant to be when we are with someone that we love.
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Men need a close relationship so they can learn more about who they are. This isn’t selfishness, it is about discovery. Men learn early on that how we define ourselves is through our work, but that only takes you so far. Men want something different and deeper. We become more of who we are meant to be when we are with someone that we love.
Having a close relationship provides men with a secure place to experience more of what life may throw at us. Men can be intimidated by a woman’s ability to navigate the challenges of close relationships and the emotions that often cloud them. It’s not that men cannot do it, it’s just that often we are not socialized to do it.
It is in a relationship that we not only discover the mysteries of our partner, but also the mysteries of ourselves.
You may also want to read more about men in relationships. I recommend:
The Risks of Being a Rational, Sensible and Distant Man
Breathe into the Bag: Gender and the Anxiety Gap
The Six Loves that Create Lasting Love
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Keep it Real
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Thank you Sean for an amazing read. I came to GMP after a devastating break up with someone that I loved very much. I thought that I was providing him with the love, affection, support, and attention that he needed, but in the end I was rejected for reasons that I still do not know, and truthfully, after reading this, I am more confused that ever why anyone/man would reject someone who is provided what you noted above.
Irma, you are welcome. I appreciate you taking the time to read this piece and comment. Breakups can be devastating, and healing is possible. Sometimes you do all that you can and the other person is in a different place. You may not be aware of it. Sometimes people lie, other times they also may not be fully aware of their feelings. Love can be confusing. I am not an expert on love, but I have been on both ends – being confused by love and I probably have, at times, not always been there for my wife. I hope… Read more »
Hi Sean, this is really a great read, and I agree with Erin – this is why I came to GMP, to find out if my perception of men is correct, or no. I am ‘recovering’ from a very deep heart break by someone I loved dearly, and although I gave everything that you noted above, things still did not work out the way I had hoped. I felt deceived and used, because I was honest with him, and because I did my best to provide all the things that you noted above, and he continually rejected me, in one… Read more »
Irma, Your heartbreak is impossibly difficult but you will find your way through. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment.
Sean, this was awesome to read and learn from. This is why I first came to GMP in the first place. This is the conversation most aren’t having. I personally have struggled with being supportive of my previous partners in face of certain disappointments or “flaws”. If you or any guy here would like to help me out and have any advice on how to not let such disappointments get in the way of a relationship, I am all ears. Because that’s been a very challenging part of my own relationships in feeling connected and close in the face of… Read more »
Erin, Thank you for taking the time to read and respond to my article. Glad that it resonated with you. I strongly suggest that you continue reading the work of GMP. This is the conversation that is changing men and how we think about “maleness,” one person at a time. As for content, I suggest that you peruse my work for GMP by clicking on my profile picture. I also recommend signing up for daily emails that way you can stay on top of the topics we are discussing. You may even want to consider adding topic suggestions or even… Read more »
Excellent, Sean! I also just read the “Risks of Being a Rational Man” blog. Loved it too. Thought I would find something to disagree with – could not find a thing. You worded it beautifully. Thanks!
Steve, Reading to disagree is brilliant. Too often “we” (meaning “I”) read to find what agrees with our mindset and our perspective. But reading to disagree is about expanding our mindset and our world. I might just have to write about that… and then disagree with what I have just written!
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment!
Thank you, SS for a great article. As a woman I especially liked your, “Men Need Four Things From A Relationship.”.
Laurie, You are welcome. It is a pretty personal article for me and I was not certain how it would be received. I am happy that the piece resonated with you. Thank you for taking the time to read and respond to my work.
SS, must say your article deeply touched me as a woman/fiance and needed to thank you again for sharing your personal feelings and perspective from a man’s point of view. Wow what an eye-opener.
Sean, As always your articles are inspiring. I particularly liked your acknowledgment that men are more complex than many believe. Too many believe the old adage, “all men want is sex.” We want sex, and a lot more, and even sex is more complex than we thought. It isn’t just about pleasure. It’s about pleasuring our partner. It’s about play, fun, and games. It’s about comfort and joy, and a whole lot more. It also changes as we get older. When I was younger than I am now (73 later this month), sex was all about intercourse. The big payoff… Read more »