It happened. Over one million people in Washington, D.C. and a total of some four million people around the United States participated in the Women’s March, and not without their “why I march” reasons. Signage, t-shirts, buttons and other paraphernalia rang out the slogans of every women’s issue under the sun.
It’s hard to say without it sounding clichéd that I simply couldn’t look into my five-year-old daughter’s big, almond-shaped eyes without feeling the overwhelming need to do something, to raise awareness of sexual abuse, and to help change the culture among males through peer pressure and education.
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My wife, son, and daughter and I flew across the country with enthusiasm and American pride to attend the March. I was excited to go to Washington for what would be a beautiful and inspiring historical event, but what initially compelled me to march (and take my family with me) was outrage. See, I’m not quite ready or able to move on from the fact that the sitting president of the United States bragged about and even encouraged the sexual abuse of women. While Billy Bush was unable to keep his gig in media and entertainment for simply giggling awkwardly at Trump’s now infamous monologue, Trump himself advanced to the most powerful position on the planet.
For all the Midwestern factory workers and the regular folk on Main Street who felt they didn’t have a voice over the last eight years, the men of the world who’ve always sought approval in other men to justify groping, grabbing, and disrespect of women found theirs through one disastrous hot mic.
It’s hard to say without it sounding clichéd that I simply couldn’t look into my five-year-old daughter’s big, almond-shaped eyes without feeling the overwhelming need to do something, to raise awareness of sexual abuse, and to help change the culture among males through peer pressure and education. To say, one man to another: it is NOT okay to grab, grope, or assault any female, ever. Even if our president proudly boasts that not only is it okay, but can’t be stopped, because if you’re a star, “you can do anything.”
At The March, women of every imaginable background were holding signs stating their reasons for coming to the National Mall. Most were oriented around pro-choice and women’s rights messages. There were even several respectful pro-life marchers in the mix, despite reports to the contrary.
But where were the men?
I’m a father deeply concerned about my children’s future; about my son not growing up to be an insensitive brute who doesn’t understand the word no, and about my daughter NOT enduring the kind of abuse that 99% of the women I know have shared with me
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I’m a father deeply concerned about my children’s future; about my son not growing up to be an insensitive brute who doesn’t understand the word no, and about my daughter NOT enduring the kind of abuse that 99% of the women I know have shared with me: the grabbing as described by the President in the infamous Access Hollywood tape, the attempted rape by a cab driver, the family member abusing their position of power. My goal is for my daughter to celebrate her thirtieth birthday without her own story of abuse to share with her friends about being groped, date raped, sexually harassed, sexually abused.
Wherever dads are, they cannot be absent from this process of changing our culture, our country, for our children.
Women have amazing strength, courage, and resilience. They will overcome. They will achieve. They will find true equality.
But if males are embedded in a culture like the one on the Access Hollywood tape, women are not safe. Without safety, there cannot be emotional security. Without emotional security, we will continue to fail in our relationships, not just our personal ones, but the relationships in our communities, country, and entire world.
Men need to keep marching alongside women. However, we are the ones who hold the key to ending sexual abuse.
Here is what we need to do to truly do our part to be a part of The March and to help make our culture better:
With our children
- Regularly have the conversations and incorporate events like The March to say, “Your body is your own. Nobody else has a right to your body. Nobody gets to tell you what to do with your body. Your body is beautiful just the way it is.”
- Find a local martial arts gym/studio that has a kid’s program. Martial arts don’t just teach how to defend against an attacker, he or she will learn about staying calm in critical situations, and your son or daughter will learn self-confidence which can act as a repellent.
- Helicopter parenting gets a bad name because we don’t let our children experience pain or failure. However, parents that are around make their child far less attractive to a predator. This includes trusting your instincts, as Gavin de Becker instructs in the “Gift of Fear,” and not letting Uncle Joe or Aunt Jane be alone with your kids if your gut says not to.
With our peers and in public
- Our voices have impact, and not just at political rallies. If your co-worker at the gym starts saying things like President Trump did, call him out. In public. “Hey man, we don’t treat women like that, I don’t appreciate it and actually condemn sexual abuse. What you are saying is sexual abuse!”
- Lead by example seems to have lost its meaning in recent years, but there is nothing more powerful. Chivalry is not dead; open doors, offer to help, and use words like “please” and “thank you.”
- Take action! If you see something DO something. Act like Moise Morancy did in New York when he called out a man on the bus who was groping a girl. Use the video camera on your phone, call the police, and if the situation warrants it use appropriate force to stop the assault (meaning don’t beat the crap out of the guy for touching, you’ll likely get charged with assault and battery).
Photo by Cody Williams
I am going to quote numerous feminists who told me that the only thing I had the right to demand of women were that they didn’t participate in the bullying and harassment I was subjected to. Same thing applies here. I don’t participate in sexual harassment thus my obligations have been fulfilled.
8of10, that is a fundamentally unproductive way to approach society. We live amongst others, therefore our behavior in a community and society affect others and theirs us. If I shut down and withdrew every time someone said something negative, I wouldn’t have attended pre-school. We must learn to work together and improve together, that is what I am working on in my life.
I think that is 8of10’s point. We have to learn to work together and improve together but time and time again the definition of improve (in terms of gender) seems to be “make men better allies to support women, empower women to support themselves”.
Its a double standard of holding men to a high and collective level of responsibility while trying to hold women to the same would never be tolerated.
Man bad, women good.
This is part of the reason why Trump won.
It’s a shame so many people still haven’t learned.
A big failure of the women’s march (though I’m still happy to support it nonetheless) is a classic one – it acknowledged every single intersectional issues group under the sun, but had nothing to say about men’s issues. As per usual. Something else that might need to change if we are to overcome Trump.
Oirishm, strange you would say that as I made no such statement in the article. However, when we exclude prison numbers, the overwhelming majority of sexual assaults/abuse/rape happen when males commit the offense against females. Therefore, men need to address the issue of sexual abuse/assault/rape.
“Oirishm, strange you would say that as I made no such statement in the article.” When you only focus on men harming women, it tends to come across that way. “However, when we exclude prison numbers, the overwhelming majority of sexual assaults/abuse/rape happen when males commit the offense against females.” Translation; When you ignore all the ways men are vvictims, women are the bigger victims. “Therefore, men need to address the issue of sexual abuse/assault/rape.” No we bloody well do not. Do you administer this collective guilt to women? Black people? Jewish people? Don’t dare do the same to men.… Read more »
If you’re tired of it and not in prison, then do something to stop it.
We are.
Why do you think I’m challenging *your* usage of collective (and selective) guilt, Ethan? Food for thought.
Better to be red pulled so you see all sides. That is if one cares for their sons as much as their daughters.
John,
When you read the article, I address my son as I do my daughter. Being a father includes how we teach all of our children. And more importantly, how we set an example.
Men and boys can be victims of violence. The
James, that is absolutely true. However, when we exclude prison numbers, the overwhelming majority of sexual assaults/abuse/rape happen when males commit the offense against females. My strategy in this article will accomplish reducing both.
You’re answering your own question here. If men don’t show up at these events, perhaps it’s because they’re tired of the collective guilt and man-bashing. It’s an old, tired tactic, and the politically moribund are the ones still deploying it.
Hint: You can reduce violence and abuse even further by calling out the fact that women are abusers too.
But they aren’t and your denial shows you are not a man, but possibly a male.
Women don’t abuse, ever? Who knew?
You can find plenty of proof of that on this very website that you’re submitting your pieces to. And given that men get this collective guilt nonsense because a handful of men abuse, women should get the same treatment. The fact that they don’t only illustrates further what a failure this ideology is and why it merits swift retirement.
And then when you have no argument, resort to shaming someone’s alleged lack of manliness. Yup, you sure sound like the sort of equality minded sort we need to be listening to.
Resort of insulting someone’s manhood. How progressive of you…
Thank you. I appreciate very much the value of men standing up with us.
Thanks Ashely!
I was there and so were a lot of men and families with children so my question is, were you? Are you just making a statement or an observation?
Yes I was – https://www.facebook.com/pg/ethanbearmanshow/photos/?tab=album&album_id=747475642071382
Were you wearing your pussy hat?
If you click the link, you can see I am not.