Women need a guide, not a manipulation manual of how to get a guy to do what you want.
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“Men are simple creatures!”
I hear this dismissive statement all the time. So much so, that now even men are saying it. It pisses me off. My brothers and I … are NOT simple. We are unbelievably complex, mysterious, and beyond beautiful in very unique ways.
In the hundreds of women I speak to, it’s all the same question…“what did he mean by that?”
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All things being fair, men have created this worldview of ourselves and it’s not women’s fault this statement is now articulated with a condescending giggle and eye roll to follow. (Insert the sound of clinking apple-tini glasses here.)
You women have given up on us, or at least dumbed us down to a form of low expectations so your disappointments in us are tolerable.
Women need a guide, not a manipulation manual of how to get a guy to do what you want. Not another book from an excited feminist over-eager to convince women they don’t need us guys, which is really a disguise for not dealing with her own wounds from men. A guide. You know what … that’s not the right word either.
You need an Interpreter.
In the hundreds of women I speak to, it’s all the same question…“what did he mean by that?”
What you do NOT know is guys, well we’re asking the same question.
While men normally mean much more than they convey, it’s usually not what you think.
Below is a list of what we say, what we mean, and the many translations in between. Bear with me, this is gonna get a bit ugly, but we’ll muddle through it together.
I love you = Among the scariest words a man will say. What he means is…“This is me and I hope you see me too. You have ignited so many feelings in me that these three little words are all I can muster.”
You’re beautiful = “I only have these two words to tell you how exquisite I think you are and so I’ll default to this one word that will safely get me closer to you.”
I’m tired = “Please don’t think of me as weak, I don’t know how else to tell you that I’m up against trials and don’t know how to ask for help.”
He says nothing = “Lead me into something of importance, a space where I can tell you how I really feel.”
You’re being emotional (if said with anger or an elevated tone) = “I’m not comfortable with, or don’t know my own emotions, and you sharing yours are showing me this inadequacy in myself.”
You’re being emotional (if said with no emotion) = “I need help understanding how you feel in terms of what you think, so I can think like that too and maybe, if it’ safe, I’ll understand how you feel too.”
Did you cum? = “I want to please you sexually and I’m scared I may not be performing right. Please show me how to drive you wild in a way you’ll brag to your friends that you’re dating/married to a sexual love god!”
Are you wearing that? = “I want to compliment you and curious to know if THIS outfit is your final selection so I can dress accordingly. Or—are you going to try on five more outfits and if so, I’ll just hang here on the couch a little longer and watch sports/news/Simpsons re-runs until you get really fired up at me.”
(Call/Text) What are you doing? = “I’m really curious about you right now and was just thinking about you so I’m calling/texting to help me get a visual of what it would be like to be with you in this moment.”
(In person) What are you doing? = “As a doer, I need help translating the actions I see into your intended meaning.”
What are you wearing? = (this is a rare question. I wouldn’t worry about this unless you’re actually dating a fashionable man—which is like one percent of one percent of all men—ever)
What do you want to do? = “I’ve already thought of a few ideas, actually may even have a full evening planned, but I’m nervous you may not approve and so I’m checking in with you for a pre-approval. Sorry for my lack of confidence.”
Can we stay in tonight? = “I feel quiet and want to spend time with just you. Please let this one night of laziness be okay.”
I don’t like your friend(s)/family = (either #1 or #2 and sometimes both) “I feel your friends don’t treat you as as good as you deserve and it makes me defensive/protective of you.”
or “I feel your friends may not like me and are talking you out of seeing (being with) me.”
There it is. The simple things men say and yes, drive women bat-shit crazy! Complex creatures saying simple things, not sharing their feelings, and hiding behind heady questions of nothingness causing the women to become interpreters, mind readers, and investigators with ninja-like cross examination of verbal judo. It’s exhausting!
Men aren’t the bad asses that society (movies, expectations, business, etc.) portray them to be. They’re creatures of primal programming desiring all the same things as women. They simply go about it differently, both in language and thought patterns. We bleed, often profusely, exhausted with the concealment of our emotions for fear you’ll think of us as weak if we just…feel.
Get a man to feel, and you’ll experience the strength of powerful masculinity you never thought possible. What an adventure we are.
Photo: Pixabay
Robin
” He says nothing= lead me into something important, a space where I can tell you how I really feel”.
I rebel against this kind of communication !
“You women have given up on us, or at least dumbed us down to a form of low expectations so your disappointments in us are tolerable.” I think that’s spot on. But please understand, when women have previously gone to men for advice we are told by men themselves that, ‘men are just dogs”, with a smile and a wink. Or like you said “men are simple.” Or, “Just feed us and f*ck us.” or justifying caustic sex with “Men just need variety.” But I knew better. Even when men themselves where telling me these things. Although I don’t think… Read more »
“I think that’s spot on. But please understand, when women have previously gone to men for advice we are told by men themselves that, ‘men are just dogs”, Those are not men, Erin. They are just boys in a man suit, saying what sounds good, feeding into the illusion. How willing are those men to go deeper, to understanding physiology, male sexuality, the peaking of male sex drive? I’m betting that very few have actually delved so deep, tried to understand themselves, or men, but just bought in, followed along with the mantra, keeping the expectation low so as not… Read more »
DJ
“How willing are those men to go deeper, to understanding psysiology,male sexualtiy,the peaking of the male sex drive”
Why is this a problem DJ?
Why this resistance to understand themselves as you say here.
Can you tell us why?
For me this is a mystery.
Macho posturing, and what they feel they are suppose to say. Much of it is our conditioning that men always act macho, strong, uncaring. we also tend to defame men. We, in fact, tell THEM that they are dogs in heat so often times they just buy into it. it’s that whole, “boys will be boys” excuse, and it is an excuse for them to get away with a cavalier attitude toward women and sex. No one is clean in all this, Kim. Men are not innocent. Sure the deck is stacked against us right now, but that does not… Read more »
“I’m on board with this EXCEPT the part where you specifically target feminist women by painting the same old tired picture men often paint of feminists. Men already have a hard time accepting feminism. Please don’t give them more reasons to be against it.” Perhaps[s it is not “the same old tired picture of feminist”, but a truth that you personally refuse to hear. There are mountains of books on the subject, reams of data demonstrating the reality of what feminism has become. We know that 85% of women reject it, another 10% subscribe to something that it is not,… Read more »
“Perhaps[s it is not “the same old tired picture of feminist”, but a truth that you personally refuse to hear.” That’s the thing about ‘truth” DJ, sometimes people have different ideas based on their different life experiences about what the ‘truth’ is. Which is why people come in so many different varieties of opinion and thought. So please stop framing the discussion as one where you are the grand revealer and holder of the real ‘truth’ or that *you* personally know the only ‘truth’ that could possibly exist and consider that perhaps it’s *you* who refuses to see the validity… Read more »
Dr. Hellen Smith cited the most favorable research that stated that 70% of women do not identify with feminism, but 70% of female voters are from that 30%. She postulated that a minority matriarchy is driving elections. Research and communications firm PerryUndem reported that 85% of Americans do not identify with feminism. When broken down by gender, about 12% of women did. A vox pole demonstrated that only 18% of people believe in feminism. Gallop poles found that 75% of people do not. In the UK, only 7% of people identify with feminism Economist YouGov reported the number at 18%… Read more »
DJ
is there a typo here?
” ….70% of women do not identify with feminism ,but 70% of female voters are from that 30%…”
Does all this mean that few women vote in U.S.?
Yes, Kim. Fewer non-feminist women are voting then are feminist women. Although 70% of women do no identify with feminism, only 30% of that group actually vote. The other 70% come from that smaller group of feminist.
keep in mind though, that statistic is not in line with all the others, but showing that more women are identifying with feminism then the many other studies indicate, so it may be skewed. I included it to be fair across the board rather then cherry pick only those that support my contention.
DJ My naive question then is why don’t men in the U.S. change the system by using their right to vote? Unfortunately persons in prison in America is not allowed to vote, as far as I know. Still most men are not incarcerated and will have the majority of votes if they used their right and organized , when such a low percentage of women choose to take part in democratic elections ……. I know it is not that simple to create social change, but if a smaller percentage of women vote compared to men,then why is not the American… Read more »
Lack of awareness. The general media has an agenda, or more a unified thought process. They instinctively moot men’s issues, and continually push women’s issues. The reason that men’s issues, true men’s issues are beginning to emerge is the internet. It allows us to bypass the 5th estate. It allows men such as myself to reach other men, speak to them, raise their awareness. The feminist belief was that the internet would end me because women are better communicators, but the opposite has been true. It’s been a godsend for us. The second is that we are constantly inundated with… Read more »
I am a feminist because if I had been born just a few years earlier (I was born in the 1960’s) my entire expectation in life would have been to “catch” a man and have babies. I could have been fired from my job if I got pregnant. If my husband died, my insurer could cancel my car insurance on the theory that single women were a poor risk. If I needed a job, I could be legally passed over if the employer wanted to hire a man. If my boss threatened to fire me if I didn’t have sex… Read more »
Some of that is true, Becca, but a lot of it is dogma, especially the insurance and rape issues. i was there then, knee deep in it. I personally managed a few “first” for women in sports. My whole family was involved in law enforcement. The first time I ever saw a man bludgeoned was in the back of my dad’s patrol car. What I asked, he said just, “he’s a wife beater”. Rape was taken very seriously, but if we read gender feminist literature, we see history revised. That is not to say that much of what you are… Read more »
“I hear this dismissive statement all the time. So much so, that now even men are saying it. It pisses me off. My brothers and I … are NOT simple. We are unbelievably complex, mysterious, and beyond beautiful in very unique ways. ” Coke and Pepsi my friend. If you hear it long enough, you start to believe it to the point that you will drink this battery acid and enjoy it. Same, same with men. We have, for far too long, allowed both sides of the conversation to be about us, not from us. You know that I’ve had… Read more »