Men of a Certain Age

11 hard truths that sneak up on you and how you can grow with them.

I didn’t get enough warning for this. So I didn’t see it coming.
Not all at once, anyway.

There will come a point in your life after you have played all the roles and fought all the battles, and the noise may die down, but questions will remain. In fact, they will grow louder. Some people call it midlife, while others call it burnout. Others still, and I think more appropriately, call it the age reckoning.

Life can look mostly fine on the outside because you are earning, providing, staying afloat, and progressing, but behind the façade are the aforementioned questions you haven’t asked before: is this it? Why do I feel so disconnected? What happens if I stop pretending I have it all figured out?

Like I said, I didn’t get enough warning that this phase of life would come with so much reevaluation. Reevaluation of my professional life, relationships, masculinity, friendships, etc. And no one told me that the goals I chased in my 20s and 30s might not feel all that satisfying anymore.

“Some people call it midlife while others call it burnout. Others still, and I think more appropriately, call it the age reckoning.”

If you are starting to feel like, what now? urge too, I hope this will help you be better equipped at becoming a better person, not just an older one.

One other thing: this is by no means a list of regrets. On the contrary, it just illuminates the road to who I was and who I am becoming.

What we know:

1. That pretending we are fine gets exhausting

I was only yesterday years old when I finally admitted to myself I wasn’t, having worn that “man up” mask for decades. Now, men of a certain age realize that it has served them, for sure, but over time, the mask got heavier and heavier. And one day they just didn’t feel like they had the strength to hold it up all the time.

Pro tip: Real strength is not being unfeeling. On the contrary, it is recognizing your feelings, accepting them, and working through them without shame.

2. That we are not just what we do for a living

For many years we had led with our titles, our roles, or our abilities to provide, but then that day came when the job changes or we reached the last rung of our ladder, and then we were left asking who we are now.

Luckily, instead of treating that question as a crisis, we see it as an opportunity to explore our deeper selves and perhaps build identities not tied to paychecks.

Pro tip: You may have always seen yourself through the lens of career and accomplishments, but to find true contentment, you have to learn to define yourself by more than just that.

3. That our bodies may be slowing down, but our mind don’t have to

It is true men like me can wake up sore for no reason, and our knees develop an uncanny ability to predict the weather. The gyms that used to be like therapy are now all about negotiations. However, you learn to adjust and not quit: age may take some things, but we don’t have to hand over everything!

Pro tip: Physical decline may be inevitable, but mental fortitude is a conscious choice, so keep learning, stay curious, and stay engaged with the world around you.

4. That friendships are no longer accidental

In our early years, friends just happened sometimes in the most unlikely circumstances, but mostly they were simply tied to some shared activity or the workplace. However, those were, more often than not, the kind that faded with distance or life changes. We now have to choose friendship. We are the ones who text first and maybe even feel weird about it, but the older we get, the more we value the ones who say “yes” back!

Pro tip: Maintaining meaningful relationships in later life requires intentional effort, i.e., a willingness to initiate.

“Age may take some things but we don’t have to hand over everything!

5. That there comes a time when you have to re-evaluate almost everything

Many nights, I wake up at 3 a.m. and stare at the ceiling, asking sometimes silly, sometimes really deep questions. Some questions I didn’t have the courage to ask when I was younger. And contrary to what many believe, that the “midlife crisis” is always a sports car and a younger partner, it is deeper questions about whether we traded too much for too little.

Pro tip: It feels like a crisis, but treat it like a wake-up call. Don’t shy away from the tough stuff because you are still figuring things out and getting better.

6. That comparison is still the thief of joy

This is especially true in this age of carefully curated highlight life reels, where it is easy to fall into the trap of comparing your life to others, forgetting that everyone is fighting a battle we know not about. So, when I see an old mate online who somehow still looks 35 with a six-pack and I am adjusting my phone brightness because I can’t find my glasses, I remind myself that is not his life but his highlight reel.

Pro tip: Comparison is a thief. Stop letting it rob you.

“We are the ones who text first and maybe even feel weird about it, but the older we get, the more we value the ones who say “yes” back!”

7. That we don’t always have to have all the answers (No one ever does)

That expectation to be the all-knowing patriarch is stifling. Life, we have accepted, is a continuous learning process, and it is okay to admit we don’t know some things. It is also okay to ask for help. For years, I thought the man had to know. Lately, though, I have had to admit I don’t know, and surprisingly, no one has left. In fact, they are leaning in. As it turns out, not knowing is human.

Pro tip: Humility is a strength.

8. That grief isn’t just for loss of life

Loss shows up in strange ways. As you age, you will experience not just the loss of loved ones, but also the grief of losing some of your capabilities and dreams. Acknowledging and processing these forms of grief also is vital for your well-being.

Pro tip: Don’t shy away from mourning what didn’t happen because sometimes closure is also about acceptance.

“And contrary to what many believe that the “midlife crisis” is always a sports car and a younger partner, it is deeper questions about whether we traded too much for too little.”

9. That we can’t let the past be in charge anymore

Sure, we all have regrets and perhaps unresolved issues from our pasts that can weigh heavily on us. However, what is most important is to learn from them and not dwell on what could have been. This just robs you of the present. We forgive ourselves and others as a form of self-liberation.

Like many, I know I have messed up. Some chapters also ended badly, and I got hurt, but I also know that carrying those regrets around like a cross is just more self-inflicted hurt.

Pro tip: You can still rewrite the ending, but you have to stop rereading the worst parts.

10. That legacy is about more than just money

The pursuit of financial success and material possessions quite often dominates our early and middle adulthood. However, as you age, it becomes quite clear that our legacy is built on more than just the material. The true measure of our lives then shifts to our relationships, the experiences we share, our impact, and the character we have cultivated.

No doubt, I want to leave my family secure, but I also want them to say I was not only kind, but I was someone they could always count on.

Pro tip: What really sticks around after you are gone are the things you stood for and showed everyone.

11. That not everything deserves our reaction
Today I am almost ashamed to admit that there was a time when every slight felt like it needed a response and usually got one. However, when you get to a certain age, you come to realize that your energy and peace are actually sacred. We, therefore, become more selective with our reactions, because we finally understand what is worth it and what is not.

Pro tip: Not every fire needs to be fought, so your silence is not weakness, it is wisdom in disguise.

So if you are of a certain age and this season feels a little unsettling, don’t run from it. What feels like the beginning of the end is actually your chance to begin again, and more honestly this time. Yes, we are aging, but we are also shedding roles, regrets, false strength, etc., and in their place gaining the wisdom that only time can bring.

This second half of life is therefore the deeper half.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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