Men, Show Me Some EQ!

When I was five years old I developed tonsillitis and my tonsils were removed. Back home after the surgery and facing a period of recovery, I found to my delight a master Lego block set.

Overwhelmed by the gift, I asked my father for advice on how to use these building blocks. He demonstrated by snapping together a few blocks and said encouragingly, “just build things, whatever you want.” A brilliant man my dad, and a very high level of emotional intelligence for his time. He understood how much I enjoyed discovering how things work.

We often hear that women have higher levels of emotional intelligence than men. And that many men avoid or dismiss emotional situations they are not equipped to handle.

But there is considerable confusion regarding emotional intelligence in positive masculinity spaces. Most recent research as summarized in a 2019 Forbes review and using a variety of EQ test instruments indicates that men and women have about the same emotional intelligence. But this is only half the story, and it is not what most men and women believe! Perception is out of sync with reality as the following chart illustrates:

Wikipedia defines emotional intelligence as a set of cognitive and emotional abilities that function to negotiate interpersonal relationships and social groups, and to manage an individual’s emotional states. Most researchers agree that EQ or emotional quotient is mostly about people skills.

Shawn Andrews, author of the Forbes review, highlights the gender confusion around EQ, and points out that men and women differ on key elements:

“Men and women possess different EQ strengths or competencies that are considered gender-specific. In general, women tend to score higher than men in areas of empathy, interpersonal relationships and social responsibility. Men tend to score higher than women in areas of assertiveness, stress tolerance and self-regard (or confidence).”

Of course, it is important to point out that these are general observations, and as such, they do not apply to every man and woman. There are many interesting variations that challenge the way we interpret social interaction.

From the perspective of positive or healthy masculinity, emotional intelligence includes three attributes, as outlined by Jonatha Cz: stoicism, assertiveness and leadership. But there are significant gender differences.

The stoic attribute suggests that men are able to regulate their own emotions better than women, and with less cognitive effort. Whereas women have more empathy and so are better able to help other people regulate their emotions. Hence the idea that a good man is “like a rock,” reliable and stable.

Assertiveness is the ability to confidently express one’s views while respecting others’ rights and feelings. A father setting boundaries for a child or advocating for that child’s needs at school may be said to be assertive. Women may learn assertiveness skills but this requires more intense cognitive effort and practice.

Finally, leadership involves confidence, humility, decisiveness, and the willingness to listen and learn. An effective leader empathizes with others’ struggles, handles criticism without lashing out, and maintains calm in challenging situations. He or she leads by example, demonstrating integrity and consistency and promoting collaboration. Again, women may learn these skills whereas many men are accustomed to balancing strength with empathy and self-awareness.

What? That doesn’t seem right. Does this overview not mesh with your experience?

This is probably because women tend to express emotions more than men, and so we mistake expression for regulation. Emotional intelligence is about people skills in the broad sense whereas expression of emotions is but one facet. Also, aggression in men is often confused with assertiveness, although each may be applied toward positive goals.

But there is another explanation. For some readers, men in particular, achieving a reasonable level of emotional intelligence may be more of a challenge. How men are socialized as boys and young men is of paramount importance here. But considering how important EQ is to family life, friendships and even success on the job, it may be worth the effort to take on the challenge as adults. Developing improved self-knowledge may be the solution.

As a lifelong introvert, I certainly learned these skills as an adult, first while conducting overseas research, and then in the workplace. These experiences taught me humility, leadership and a level of self-knowledge that I would not have gained if I had not been willing to challenge myself.

Generally adults learn by doing. Practice works best for adult learning, even if it feels like acting. Indeed, when taking on new skills, practicing and acting are closely related. The way we behave tends to send feedback to the self that reinforces the practice we wish to embody.

Let us apply two of the Fourteen Mindfulness Trainings offered by the Plum Village Zen tradition and composed originally by Zen master and world peace scholar Thich Nhat Hanh:

Openness helps us to avoid our own gender prejudice, in particular, the assumption that men are one way and women another. Once our eyes are open to this simple fact, then we may begin to take steps that convert negative reactions to positive actions. Note that openness is a major learned practice upon which truthful and loving speech is built.

Truthful and Loving Speech in a business setting may be interpreted as “honest and kind.” Either way, it is all about these positive actions:

• discard old patterns of over-reacting, disregarding or criticizing others;
• embrace difficult situations using words and phrases that promote reconciliation and resolution; and
• practice using words that express genuine concern, inspire joy and offer encouragement and hope.

So we begin with openness, a practice that reconsiders much of what we as men learned as children. Openness avoids dualistic “us versus them” thinking about gender differences, and focuses instead on positive perceptions and actions. This is the fundamental basis for learning truthful and loving speech.

After constructing a menagerie of strange forms as a child, I finally learned how to build recognizable things with Lego blocks. Similarly, with practice and effort men may learn a wide variety of emotional intelligence skills. Even if you have practiced high level EQ for most of your life, there is always room for more practice.

Vic Caldarola is the founder and lead facilitator of the Shine a Light Men’s Project, a men’s mindfulness discussion program. He holds a PhD in Communication Studies and writes about gender studies, mindfulness and occasionally the American experiment.

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