I wrote a piece entitled “The Best Dating Advice Is Shockingly Simple.” It centers around a conversation I had with one of my guy friends. He told us divorced girls to stop lamenting over the mixed signals of men.
His exact words?
“If a guy isn’t telling you f*ck yes, he’s telling you f*ck no.”
The piece garnered an interesting response from a reader.
He commented on what is commonly known as the “3 Box Theory.” It theorizes that men place women into three boxes. It’s not rooted in the field of psychology.
It became widely accepted on TikTok due to influencer Tinx (Christina Najjar). She devised her own theory of how men view women romantically.
Box 1: A hard pass — The guy is not interested at all. The woman never had a chance.
Box 2: A Hookup — The guy is interested in sex/sleeping with a woman but nothing else. It’s an all for the fun type of relationship.
Box 3: Date — The guy is interested in dating the woman. This is a woman who he definitely sees himself with.
The 3 Box Theory Simplified
No interest, just for fun, or willing to date.
A man in a romantic setting first meets a woman.
He immediately decides if he has any interest/attraction to her. Likewise, he decides (when attracted to a woman) if she’s a ‘friends with benefits kind of girl, or a woman worthy of his time, attention and respect.
Tinx argues that first impressions stick.
A man makes an immediate romantic decision and there’s no changing it. A woman is destined to be assigned to one of these boxes — never again to be moved.
Many agree with the 3 Box Theory coined by Tinx.
Others are skeptical of the 3 Box Theory.
There’s a reason for this.
The reader who commented on my piece, brought to light one of the problems with placing women into 3 romantic categories. There’s a gray area between Box 2 and Box 3.
It’s a fuzzy area in the world of dating.
How’s a woman to know the difference?
It’s easy to be lulled into the sometimes false belief that the physical (Box 2) means more than it does (Box 3). Why? Not all men announce that they view you as a ‘hookup.’
A woman can misinterpret that attention.
Especially if the man keeps coming back for more.
There are other issues with the 3 Box Theory.
I’ve been a relationship columnist for a long time. I’ve spent years in research, counseling, and writing. Relationships, dating, and love are both simple and complicated.
The 3 Box Theory does work to a degree.
It’s practical.
But there are always exceptions in the complex, wonderfully messy arena of romantic love. Not every single thing is black and white.
There are men (and women) who initially meet someone and don’t find them attractive. But with time something changes and eventually they do. It happens.
There are also one-night stands that turn serious.
Again, it happens.
It may not be common but it’s not impossible.
The 3 Box Theory provides clarity.
It’s useful and often correct.
It’s not infallible.
We do make assessments during our first impressions. Sometimes we are right. Sometimes we are wrong. We have the ability to change our minds and reverse course.
The reader who commented on my aforementioned piece included an additional remark. It was impactful.
He said, “It’s easy to be #2 and wonder if you’re #3. But that’s the thing — If you’re really #3 there will be no question.”
Sound familiar?
“If a guy isn’t telling you f*ck yes, he’s telling you f*ck no.”
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Matheus Câmara da Silva On Unsplash
