Danny Baker has a message for women everywhere.
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Dear every woman who’s been raped,
I’ve come into contact with a number of you recently through my work as a mental health advocate. Some of you tell me that you feel “worthless.” That that you feel “dirty” or like you’re “damaged goods.” And some of you tell me that as a result, no man will ever be able to love you.
Well, speaking as a man, I’d just like to tell you this:
I don’t think you’re worthless.
I don’t think you’re dirty.
Nor do I think that you are “damaged goods.”
Because when I look at you, I don’t see a woman who’s been raped.
I just see a woman.
If you’re caring, then I see a woman who’s caring.
If you’re brave, then I see a woman who’s brave.
If you’re honest, then I see a woman who’s honest.
And the same if you’re ambitious, thoughtful, interesting, creative, empathetic or intelligent.
I’m just one man, but if I can see all of these wonderful qualities in you, then there’s no doubt that another man will be able to, too. And given so, there’s no doubt that such a man will be able to fall in love with you.
Because to men like us, even though you’ve been raped, you’re still as valuable as ever.
Love,
Danny.
P.S. If you’re a man reading this and are one of millions who would date a woman who’s been raped, say so in the comments section below. Women need to know that you’re out there.
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Photo: Lara Cores/Flickr
Please also remember men are subjected to rape,so these sentiments should apply to ANYONE.
Good point, Jacklyn 🙂
Is this author that ignorant that he does not know that men can be raped?
I just want all you women out there the you can be lived for yourself. I too have been raped but I have found a wonderful man, without looking. He is such a caring man and I could not have been where I am today without him. There are plenty more out therein him, so please do not give up hope. You are all beautiful
I am a bi sexual woman, and (if I liked them) would date, or fall for someone who had been raped. It’s not who you are. You are wonderful xx
Thank you for confirming what I said. It really is a good thought. I just feel it’s more important what rape victims think about THEMSELVES first. Really, as a survivor, I can tell you that you can’t be successful in a relationship until you figure that out and have compassion for yourself and your past. Once you’ve done that work, you can find how to be comfortable with another person. But I don’t suggest trying to find someone to help heal your wounds with you. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen, but it’s really work that needs to be done… Read more »
I was also raped at 16 and it took a while for me to be open to a relationship it took a great guy to break through the wall I had built to protect myself. I am lucky he was so patient and kind. Being able to talk about what happened to me with a person I put myself in a vulnerable position with, was one of the best things for my recovery. Men willing to walk the path to recovery with survivors are great, the two I have had in my life have been amazing. It takes a very… Read more »
I too am one of these women. I had a very forceful rape at 16 and pushy controlling rape repeatedly from my son’s father. For 10 years i have felt like damaged goods and unworthy. After the first rape, I was one of those girls who became promiscuous. I also didn’t ever say no in fear if I did what would happen. I had said no before and he still did it so why bother. I am finally combatting all these thoughts and feelings, 10 years later. I want to trust that not all men will physically hurt me or… Read more »
You will Nicole, you will 🙂
I also am, unfortunately, one of those women. The experience ultimately wrecked a few relationships I’ve had, and I don’t think they’d have failed if I hadn’t been raped in my 20s and not sought help dealing with it. Now, I’m dating a wonderful man who has blessed me with the patience to help me “unpack” that baggage and we’ve made some great progress. Thank you for posting this, Danny…you nailed how I felt previously. There ARE men out there who are willing to help us through the muck. 🙂
Yeah I believe In this too… Everyone has a past… But as we can not judge a person’s future from his/her present, nobody has the right to judge a person’s present on the basis of his/her past. All women who have been raped must know that if you value yourselves the society sooner or later will do the same… Don’t think you are less… Your are few of those who had seen life from the rare view.. you are stronger than others.. Rise for yourselves, rise for people who care for you….. ! My wishes to all of you! We… Read more »
I am engaged to the love of my life, and she was raped as a teenager. It went on for some years and finally things got fixed. And that was one of the first big things she told me when we started out. And i did not care one bit. All i seen and continue to see is her as her, beautiful, funny, talented, loving and caring.
I have dated a woman who has been raped. She saw herself as damaged goods because she saw herself as a victim instead of what she really was a survivor. As a man who has survived sexual abuse as a child and emotional rape (statory) when i was 14, men will see your strength as a survivor even if you dont.
Would I date a woman who’s been raped? That’s a difficult question to answer. Not every woman would be a good match for me even if she weren’t raped. Not every woman, not every person who is raped reacts or is affected in the same way. Some withdraw who are probably the ones you’re referring to. Some become super promiscuous and engage in self destructive behavior. I know a woman who was like that. She was on Prozac due to the rape and I couldn’t tell you if it was the rape or the drugs that caused her hyper sexual… Read more »
You may think you will lose your man card for it, but you gain your decent human being card. And what’s even better about it: You never had a man card to lose, because you are a man. It never depended on a card (i.e. the judgement of others) in the first place. It cannot be taken away from you. You are a man and always will be, whether you save the world or destroy it. But acting as decent as you did makes you a good man, and that is something to carry on your card. And there’s even… Read more »
Every woman I have ever dated has been raped, almost every woman I have been involved with has been as well…as sad a fact as it may be. It’s downright tragic, what this act does to a woman’s psyche…how it literally locks them in a perpetual hell of their own mind. It’s too abundant and needs harsher repercussions as a means to deter the act, I would even go as far as to say it should be treated as murder.
Bunk! Can you imagine what a woman (or man, for that matter, let’s never forget that!) must think when she is told that by having been raped, she now is doomed to live in a perpetual hell of her own mind, that her soul is destroyed forever, that she is, for practical purposes, dead? (Which would be the case when you equate rape with murder.) You are aware that this is the mindset which leads to women thus victimized to sometimes kill themselves? You ever heard the term re-victimization? There is a very good reason why victims of rape (male… Read more »
Rape is no where near as bad as murder, it’s ignorant to even suggest it. People do not die when they are raped, they still have a chance at life. Murder is final, no chance, nothing, zilch, zadda, zip. I know plenty of people who still have successful lives after rape, it’s not a death sentence. Yes it is incredibly difficult to overcome but it’s far far better than murder itself if you want to have a life. We need to stop treating rape as if it’s the worst thing in the world automatically, everyone is different.
The worst thing in the world for a woman, mind you. With men we (as a culture, I mean) are still struggling to realize it is at least bad. Maybe both positions should meet in some sensible middle ground, which always takes into account the individual circumstances. Rape is such a varied phenomenon. At best it is a passing nuisance for the victim; at worst it is torture that ends in death.
I am dating a woman who was raped.
And I am going to marry her one day, too.
Thank you for this message. I wish if my mother was able to hear these words, or that I had the sense to say something the like to her.
Much appreciation.
Thank you danny for a wonderful post and thanks to al the contributors in the comment section. I am in my early 20s and was raped and held captive for two years, and have also experienced childhood sexual abuse and abuse in close relations. I have been suffering from PTSD for a long time and am finally getting over it but it is a slow process and what can still make me feel overwhelmingly sad is the feeling that love will be impossible. Despite knowing my worth, issues of guilt, feeling dirty, damaged, or unlovable, still circulate in my mind… Read more »
I date women regardless of whether they’ve been abused or not. They will know they can open up to me, and I’ve had oodles of friends tell me their horrible past (I am the only one that knows in many cases sadly). I am a fan of enthusiastic consent so they have nothing to fear from me and I’ll work with them to safely explore their sexuality and I give them full control with me and safety to do so. I’d never view them as damaged, and it’s disgusting that people would think of them as goods, let alone damaged… Read more »
I am currently dating a past rape victim and she has been the biggest blessing on my life. She has brought me so much joy and I love her very much!
I’ve dated a few girls who have been assaulted in some way in the past. I can certainly say I’m one of these guys.
Your value isn’t destroyed. Remember that it’s a vile act perpetrated AGAINST you.
I have and will continue to love women who have been raped. They are just as awesome as any other woman and it has never crossed my mind that they would be, in some way less.
Absolutely!
I appreciate the sentiment and couldn’t agree more. That said, I would add, to women who have been raped, that I hope you don’t look to a man to find your worth, your beauty or your uniqueness. I can admire and affirm those things you see in yourself and can find beauty and cause for admiration in you that you may not be able to see. I can give you a basis for trust in me and, in doing so, can hopefully, help you to realize all that you are and support you in all that you dream of bringing… Read more »
Well said, brother – couldn’t agree more.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for this… Signed, one of those women who needed to hear it ♡
You’re welcome 🙂 x
I, too, married a woman who was raped – and sexually abused as a child. We have had to deal with nightmares, PTSD-like flashbacks and a variety of sexual issues. We have done these things as a couple, as partners. Knowing that she has suffered because of other men makes me angry at men who are violent in any way towards women, but it has never caused me a moment’s pause when it comes to the worth, preciousness, beauty or wisdom of my wonderful wife.
I was raped and suffered from PTSD as a result too. I finally found real help from Dr. Bill Tollefson of Cape Coral, Florida. I have not had any symptoms of PTSD for the last five months. I was having multiple every day and night. The treatment took two days (11 hours total); it was the best thing I have ever done. I suffered from PTSD for 18 years. Please look him up so your wife can have her life back.
Why would a guy refuse to date a VICTIM
Thanks, Danny. This is sweet, and a nice thought. However I feel , like this is encouraging women to find their worth as a person after rape through the eyes of a man; as if we wontbe worthy unless a man reels us we are. I now that isn’t your intent, still, I feel like this implicitly tells gives women that idea; that we need to have permission from a man to feel worthwhile again after being raped. And we don’t. Because we never lost our worth, and women need to be assured of that first.
Hi Sarah,
Yes, you are so correct – women who’ve been raped never lost their worth. I wasn’t trying to imply otherwise – just trying to put out the message that there are so many men who would still be able to look at the women for who she really is and thus be able to fall in love with them (as many of the women I talk to who’ve been raped think that being raped means that all men will think they’re “dirty” and for this reason they’ll never find love).
I agree with you though, 100% 🙂
Sarah “this is encouraging women to find their worth as a person after rape through the eyes of a man;” You’re absolutely correct. I knew a woman who I believe was so concerned that she was worthless in the eyes of men after her rape that she engaged in self destructive behavior. She had asked me on dates, but I felt that if I accepted, I was taking advantage of a very vulnerable person. I feel she needed to heal a bit more before she could make a rational decision on whether she should be with a man or who… Read more »