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I have been deep into conversations regarding the #metoo movement for over a year. At first, I saw (mostly) women empowered and unified in sharing their experiences, speaking out and taking a stand for their safety and the future safety of our fellow humans. For me, it has been humbling and moving as a man, because in a very concise way, I got the hurt, the anger, the grief and the power being expressed.
At the same time, I saw (mostly) men who did not know what to do, how to respond or even how to make sense of all this “new” information coming at them. We have been brought up to believe that “women are irrational and men are logical,” which has a nasty side-effect of easily dismissing a woman expressing herself.
In short, it is easy to discredit anything “she” says, because “they are emotional and not grounded in reality.”
Even as I write this, I cringe remembering all the times in my past that I took this stance.
Inside of this context, we men generally believe that we know best and that our understanding is more correct because “we are the logical (smart) ones.” It is no wonder that the common response from men regarding women sharing their #metoo experiences, was that of disbelief; expressed as “that can’t be right,” “you must have misunderstood” or “why were you even there in the first place?”
I have spent much of this past year, helping to bridge the gap between what I know from women sharing with me and what men can understand from my experience. My book, “Man School: Relating with Women in the #MeToo Era,” was intended to do just that. And the response from men and women indicates that intention is being fulfilled.
With all of this, there is still resistance. There are groups of men who have decided that it is better not to interact with women for fear of being misunderstood. There are groups of men who are choosing celibacy because they are afraid of being wrongly accused of rape, even though the statistics are overwhelmingly small for wrongful accusations. And most of all, men feel that they do not have the same freedoms they had before.
I have heard men say, “I wish we could go back to the way things were,” and “it was so much easier back in the day.”
If you think about it, “the way things were” and “back in the day,” included the assaults, harassment and all the things that are in our face now. This idealized past is not the remedy. For some, “ignorance is bliss,” may seem preferred, but for those who suffered during that time, is that a place we really want to go back to?
With all of this in mind, the idea that “we can’t do what we used to do anymore” inspires a different point of view. As a child, when I was disciplined, things were usually taken away. As a parent, that has been the main tactic I have taken with my children as well. It is easy to see the #metoo movement as a public disciplining of men. Certainly, there has been enough outcry to have men believe that we are all suspect. The hashtag #notallmen came about in response to this. Women expressed that they did not know who was safe and therefore, any man pushing back was lumped in with the accused. And, the reality is that “men not believing women” is a whole other aspect of the collective trauma. So, it is perfectly understandable that men, feeling chastised, singled-out and on the defensive, would pull back, isolate and take the position that “our privileges have been revoked.”
What I have been able to do, is discover the ways I can communicate with, and approach women successfully, just by having an understanding of what they deal with and their fears are. It has not robbed me of any ability to talk, date, work with or simply interact with a woman. If anything, I have more compassion for them and myself, especially in the instances when they are not open to interacting.
An example of this is, I used to take it extremely personally if a woman did not say hello back to me when I was walking down the street. I know now that she may not respond because she may feel threatened because of her previous experiences, she may be focused on something else, or she may just not want to respond. And really, she has no obligation to talk to me, anyway. Is it rude? That would be my judgment of her, having no idea who she is, what she’s been through or where she’s at.
What can’t we do? Nothing that isn’t already illegal.
What shouldn’t we do? Given my understanding of the things that have caused traumas for women…cat-calling, butt-grabbing, infantilizing, non-consensual touching, following, not taking “no” for an answer whatever the “no” is for, unsolicited dick pics, etc.
Knowing that these things cause harm, why would you still want to?
As I say in the title, this is not about taking things away. What can we do then?
We can learn how to connect, learn how to listen, ask questions, become curious, slow down, develop your relationship with your Self. There is an opportunity for partnership here. There is an opportunity for even greater connection and understanding. And, there is an opportunity for more and more men to step into leadership.
Consider that the actions some fear being deprived of, come from a place of not wanting to be responsible for anything. What can you take responsibility for in your life? What can you do with this knowledge? Who is the man you wish to become? And what would it be like to have deeper and more connected relationships…with anyone?
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