Raise your hand if you battle with an inherent, crippling fear of failure? Anyone?… Me!
I consider myself to be a fairly daring person and usually I am not afraid to put myself out there. Find me publishing a juicy, all-telling poem or story online? Check ✓ See me out there hitting on some hottie at the bar (or Instagram DMs) and putting myself out there? Check ✓ Experiment on a new recipe and risk fucking it up? Check, check, check ✓
In all honesty, I have not reached Evil Knievel levels of dare deviling when it comes to all facets of my life and still find myself questioning my decisions before I take a big (or teeny) leap. Sometimes I let a scary, bitchy voice in the back of my head scream “YOU’RE GONNA FAIL!!! You suckkkkkkk!!” And for a few moments, days, years, I might let that voice dictate my life and keep me living small. But now I find myself challenging that voice by saying, “So what?! What happens when I fail?”
Through self-work and experimentation, I have found a few approaches that have helped me overcome, even if temporarily, heavy feelings of failure.
- Micro-dose on failure. When you micro-dose on a drug like marijuana or psilocybin (psychedelic) mushrooms, you are consuming very low, almost undetectable levels of the drug to subject your body to some of its effects without completely diving into the deep end. (I would like to note I am not providing medical advice or the recommendation that you should micro-dose on drugs. I am purely using micro-dosing for a metaphorical effect for this essay. You do you, boo.) So when you “micro-dose” on failure, you are intentionally subjecting yourself to tiny, manageable doses of scenarios where you are setting yourself up for the possibility of things going differently than you expected. In a way, you are conditioning yourself to remove or remove expectations, because you’ve already identified the possibility that you’ll fail. Example: You are applying for a new job and are really afraid to apply to your dream job, because you’ll be devastated you don’t get selected for it. Start by applying to jobs that you think are so out of your range that there’s no way you’d even be considered. A) You’re reducing any expectation of “receiving that opportunity” and already acknowledging failure as a possibility. B) You might be surprised by putting yourself out there! Other ways to safely micro-dose on failure: create and share shitty art; publish an essay with spelling errors; send a daring text message, sign up for a new activity or class; try a very challenging new recipe, etc, etc!!
- Challenge the feelings of failure and self-doubt with equally as powerful comebacks. The fear of failure can be rooted in the anxiety around uncertainty. So if you fear you’re about to fail, you might sit there with circulating thoughts preventing yourself from taking the risk. To help challenge those debilitating thoughts, try opening up a dialogue with them through pen & paper or a meditation session. I like to consider this as a conversation between your higher self (the soother) and ego (the mega doubter). I named my ego Jennifer and higher self Riley to help outline this kind of dialogue. It’s going to feel silly challenging your own destructive thoughts at first, but it’s a really powerful tool to help you self-regulate your fear of failure. Jennifer: “I am afraid to tell Ryan how I really feel. What if he ghosts me or breaks up with me (failure)?” Riley: “What if he is open and honest with you and you open up a vulnerable dialogue?” Jennifer: “Yeah but what if he actually never talks to me again but first tells me I’m crazy for expressing my feelings.” Riley: “Let’s theoretically indulge in the worst case scenario of him leaving you or making you feel like shit. Is this someone in the long term that would you want to spend time with or nurture a relationship? However, you will not know if you respond positively or negatively unless you actually open up the dialogue with him.” Engaging in this kind of dialogue can also be referred to as self-nurturing or mothering yourself. It’s important to hold yourself accountability in a way that makes you feel empowered to express your vulnerability and inevitability risk “failing”.
- Practice being vulnerable. Make a deliberate effort to intertwine vulnerability into your daily life. Start with exploring your own thoughts you might keep shelled away. Why are you afraid to express the full possibility of your life? Who has told you in the past you are a failure or not good enough? Find safe mediums to practice this vulnerability.
- Share my failures with others. Dismantle the invisible weight of failure. The more we share our failures or mistakes or mess ups, we relinquish the power those negative emotions have over our wellbeing and potential. There is so much solidarity and relief in sharing your story with others, even if it’s a friend of family member. Everyone fails. It’s part of the human experience. And the more you subject yourself to failure, the less icky it feels in the long run. And the more you talk to others about your failure or your fear of failure, you’ll realize there are a lot of people who’s stories resonate with your experience. It makes you feel a lot better and hopefully that vulnerability with encourage you to take those risks in your life, big or small. Every time I publish a story online or post on social media, I risk failure. There’s a possibility someone doesn’t like what I write or judges how I look. I recognize that failure and do it anyways.
- Sub out expectations with gratitude: As previously touched on, failure is defined by filling an expectation. Example: Not getting a job you wanted = failure. What if you reframed every approach without chokeholding yourself with expectations. “Expect nothing, be grateful for everything” is a very soothing mantra a friend shared with me during a dark period of my life. It really shifted my perspective of failure. If you look through the lens of gratitude in every experience of your life, failures start to illuminate as learning lessons and not these anchoring emotions of doubt and shame.
- Learn to laugh at yourself and your mistakes! This is my favorite approach to compliment micro-dosing on failure. Baking and cooking are passions of mine and I fuck up recipes all of them time. The other day I made the shittiest brownies ever. My mom straight up spit them out. LOL! I indulged in making fun of myself for the baking fail and let my family ring in on the fun. When you laugh at yourself, you start to soften the blow and realize how often you find yourself failing (and how much it really doesn’t matter)!
Here’s the harsh reality. You are going to make mistakes. And those mistakes might look like failure to you. But that doesn’t negate who you are wholly as a human. You aren’t letting yourself live a juicy, vibrant life if you live in the shadows of your fear. So fuck up, learn to sit with the uncomfortable emotions and then learn to laugh at yourself. Or just keep moving forward. Remember, the choice to live your life in fullness is always your choice. Don’t miss out on it!
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This post was previously published on Change Becomes You and is republished here with permission from the author.
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Photo credit: Unsplash
You had me at “microdose on failure.” Great suggestions, all. Thank you.