Misunderstood: 6 Myths About Avoidant/Dismissive Attachment and the Truth Behind Them

I have noticed several Medium articles regarding Attachment Styles that include titles such as, “Why I Will Never Date an Avoidant Again” or “Why You Shouldn’t Date Someone with Avoidant Attachment.”

The comments often include readers commiserating about ways an avoidant parter has hurt them. I will be the first to acknowledge that these sentiments are valid. Without a doubt, partners of avoidantly attached individuals endure a lot. My partner will be the first to attest to that.

What I find fascinating is how quickly a few anecdotal experiences can morph into an overarching narrative full of misconceptions, somehow packaged to resemble universal truths.

This is not to invalidate readers’ experiences with avoidantly attached partners, but rather to emphasize that our attachment systems are incredibly nuanced.

Making assumptions and generalizations about a group of individuals without a deeper understanding of the complex mechanisms at play is more likely to elicit polarization and blame, as opposed to empathy, understanding, and connection.

My intention for this post is to dispel common myths/misconceptions and present more research-based information, offering a more evidence-based narrative surrounding features of avoidant/dismissive attachment.

Whether you’re avoidantly attached yourself, in a relationship with someone who is, or just curious about attachment theory, this guide will help you move past feelings of blame and toward deeper empathy and understanding.

Here are 6 Common Misconceptions and The Truth Behind Them:

1. “Avoidantly attached people don’t have emotions.”

Truth: We do indeed have emotions (in fact, all humans have emotions). We “avoidants” just have a Ph.D. in emotional suppression.

Individuals with avoidant/dismissive attachment have a nervous system that has been wired to down-regulate emotional distress. Early research on avoidant attachment, particularly Mary Ainsworth’s “Strange Situation” study (1970s), revealed that avoidantly attached children appeared outwardly calm and indifferent when separated from their caregivers, yet physiological data suggested a very different internal experience, making them appear detached.

Follow up research by Sroufe & Waters (1977) demonstrated that despite their calm exterior, avoidantly attached infants showed signs of physiological stress, such as elevated heart rate and increased cortisol levels — indicating internal distress even though they outwardly suppressed emotional expression.

An fMRI study (Eisenberger et al., 2011), found that avoidantly attached individuals show increased activation in the dorsal anterior cingulate cortex (dACC) and medial prefrontal cortex (mPFC) when excluded in social situations.

These areas are associated with pain regulation and cognitive suppression, suggesting that avoidantly attached individuals experience social pain but their internal system works hard to suppress it.

Researchers measured cortisol (stress hormone) levels in couples before and after discussing a conflict (Diamond et al., 2006). Avoidantly attached individuals exhibited a blunted cortisol response, meaning they didn’t show the same stress reaction as anxious or secure individuals which again, reflects suppression of attachment-related distress.

Basically, people with avoidant/dismissive attachment may look calm during conflict, but this is due to an automatic and adaptive biological suppression of stress. Essentially, they feel something, but their system reflexively stuffs it down which may make them appear externally emotionless.

2. “They don’t want love or relationships.”

Truth: We do want connection, but the sensation of connection also feels fundamentally threatening to our system.

Many individuals with avoidant/dismissive attachment long for deep, meaningful connections, but struggle with the vulnerability it requires.

If we look at this from a biological lens, one study (Olff et al., 2013) found that avoidantly attached individuals had lower baseline oxytocin levels compared to securely attached people. When given oxytocin via nasal spray, they showed no significant increase in bonding behaviors, unlike securely attached participants.

As such, avoidantly attached individuals might not experience the same neurochemical “reward” from closeness, making intimacy feel unnecessary or even uncomfortable.

Through a more behavioral or psychodynamic lens, individuals who lean more avoidant often developed discomfort with intimacy due to early relational experiences that taught them closeness is either unreliable, intrusive, or even dangerous.

Their core defense mechanisms and learned behaviors are shaped by early attachment dynamics which reinforced the idea that maintaining distance is safer than connection.

3. “ They just don’t care about their partners.”

Truth: Honestly, most of us do care deeply. We just struggle to show it and sometimes our protective parts that prefer distance takeover. We may struggle to show up in an emotionally supportive way because fundamentally, we don’t even know how to show up for our own emotions.

Individuals with avoidant/dismissive attachment liked learned from early experiences that depending on others is unsafe. They may have had caregivers who were absent/neglectful or caregivers who rejected/criticized their emotional needs.

They learned that they can’t rely on anyone else for emotional support, they can only rely on themselves. Yet, they also probably weren’t equipped to know what to do with their own emotions.

At certain ages of development, we rely heavily on our caregivers for emotional support. When caregivers are receptive and validating of our emotional experience, we learn that having emotions is okay and safe. We learn to identify, regulate, and effective expressing our emotional experience.

People with avoidant attachment essentially have stuffed confusing emotions into a closet in their psyche, only keeping a few, more familiar (or socially acceptable) emotions out to play (e.g., anger, happiness).

In addition, individuals with avoidant/dismissive attachment are more likely to talk about their own emotions in a detached, intellectual way which is often a reflection of internal disconnect with their own emotions.

A study by Waters et al. (2015), investigated autobiographical language of avoidantly attached individuals. When asked to recall emotional events, avoidantly attached individuals used fewer emotion oriented words, more abstract language, and more cognitive distancing strategies (e.g., “It wasn’t a big deal” instead of describing feelings).

This reflects their tendency to intellectualize emotions rather than directly experiencing them which on the receiving end, can feel as though they don’t truly care.

A study on adult attachment and emotion regulation (Shaver & Mikulincer 2007) found that avoidantly attached individuals show delayed emotional processing, meaning they might not feel emotional distress until hours or days after a stressful event.

According to findings of this study, delayed emotional processing is likely due to the prefrontal cortex suppressing limbic system activation, making their emotional reactions lag behind real-time experiences.

Overall, avoidantly attached individuals may seem unaffected in the moment but later experience delayed emotional distress — sometimes without realizing what caused it.

4. “They’re all commitment-phobes.”

Truth: Some avoidantly attached people may indeed avoid deep relationships, but many are in long-term relationships — they just struggle with closeness.

A 2013 study by Spielmann et al., found that avoidantly attached individuals are more likely to choose “low-investment” relationships (e.g., casual dating, long-distance, emotionally unavailable partners). Their preference for low-investment relationships is often because closeness feels like a threat, and keeping relationships at a distance is a form of self-protection.

They may also fear losing their independence and self-reliance. Entering into a committed relationship often involves leaning on your partner in some way or another. Avoidatly attached individuals may not even know what that looks like, as they are so accustomed to being independent.

It is important to remember that avoidant behaviors are often more about emotional self-regulation than intentional manipulation or harm.

In sum, avoidantly attached individuals often choose partners or relationship structures that ensure emotional distance , as it feels safer — even if it leads to dissatisfaction.

5. “They’re toxic or narcissistic.”

Truth: While avoidants can come across as emotionally unavailable, avoidant attachment ≠ narcissism.

Avoidant attachment and narcissism can look similar on the surface — both involve emotional distance, self-reliance, and discomfort with vulnerability — however, they stem from very different underlying motivations, developmental origins, and interpersonal patterns

Narcissism involves a need/drive for control and admiration, while avoidant attachment is about self-protection from emotional dependence.

Many avoidantly attached individuals are highly empathetic but don’t necessarily express it outwardly. Below are some key differences between avoidant attachment and narcissism.

Avoidant Attachment

Motivated by fear of intimacy and rejection. They deactivate attachment needs to protect themselves from emotional pain.
Uses withdrawal, dismissiveness, and emotional suppression as defenses.
Views intimacy as risky or overwhelming and avoids emotional dependence.

Narcissism (Narcissistic Personality Disorder — NPD)

Motivated by a need for validation and superiority. May inflate their self-image to protect against deep-seated feelings of inadequacy.
Uses grandiosity, entitlement, and manipulation as defenses.
Views intimacy in terms of utility — for validation or control, rather than genuine emotional connection.

6. “They’re fine being alone and don’t need connection.”

Truth: Many people with avoidant/dismissive attachment often crave deep connection, but are also terrified of it.

It is true that many people with avoidant/dismissive attachment experience a sense of relief when they are alone, especially after a stressful event or conflict in the relationship. However, this is not an accurate representation of their underlying longings or desires.

For people with avoidant attachment independence and self-reliance is like oxygen. They need it to breathe. When this life source feels threatened or compromised (e.g., if there are overwhelming emotional demands) they may feel like they can’t breath.

If you lean toward avoidant attachment — you know the feeling. The moment walk out the door during active conflict and there is a palpable sense of relief — feel like you can actually breathe again.

Essentially, individuals with avoidant attachment learned to self-soothe through independence rather than leaning on or relying on others to soothe fearful or anxious parts.

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My hope is that you now have a greater understanding of the truths behind these common misconceptions that may lead to more compassion instead of frustration when interacting with avoidantly attached individuals (or when viewing your own attachment system).

This shift from blame and frustration to understanding and empathy is paramount for healing attachment wounds and supporting our partners on their healing journeys.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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