Matt Shumate is an expert on breakups. Which makes him an expert on starting new relationships with women. Here are his tips for the approach.
There are varying schools of thought on how to approach and engage a girl and the truth is that there is no formula or “right” way to do it. It’s all about your own personal style and matching up an approach that is authentic to your personality.
About a decade ago, Neil Strauss published The Game, an autobiographical depiction of his antics picking up girls and teaching hordes of dudes his methods in a Fight Club Project Mayhem-esque frat house in Los Angeles.
I’m not a big fan of programs like this. They teach you to “neg” a girl, bringing her self-esteem down enough to want to sleep with you because you’ve taken her down a peg or two.
It also prescribes, “Peacocking” where you wear vibrant clothes or props to attract attention or doing magic tricks to engage their curiosity.
I can’t co-sign on this philosophy. It should be about being a stand up, authentic, amazing version of your true self—not trying to dupe women into wanting to sleep with you for the night. It’s all about confidence, authenticity, integrity, passion, and having a good time. That stuff’s magnetic.
First up, you have to get out of your own head. You can be your own worst cock block if you over analyze the situation. “What will she think of what I say? How does my shirt look? What if she finds me boring?”
The more you allow questionable thoughts to enter your head, the more you’ll psych yourself out of being you. By now, you’ve developed enough confidence and inner peace that you shouldn’t really care what other people think about you. Just be yourself and if she doesn’t like it then, oh well. Not everyone is meant to be.
Here’s a trick for not allowing yourself to get psyched out of an approach. Lead with your legs. The second (scratch that, millisecond) that you see a girl you’re interested in learning more about, make a b-line towards her. Just start walking in her direction.
Don’t walk too fast, or too slow. Keep it smooth, controlled, and confident. Deciding to approach is half the battle. Just go. Just freaking go. You’ll figure out to do when you get there. You’re a cool dude, so don’t be worried about it. If your legs lead, your brain won’t have time to give you paralysis by analysis.
At the same time, you have to embrace failure and rejection. Without failure, there is no success. Be comfortable with the fact that you’re going to get rejected.
Hell, sometimes I even purposely try to get rejected as an exercise to relax your nerves. Sometimes it actually works to start up a conversation too when you do some stupid things!
Now, I’m not saying that you always need to be an ass and get shot down. But, try to start off the night with the mentality that you have nothing to lose. You’ll feel so much more confident and any time you actually do get rejected, you’ll shrug it off without the slightest thought of self-doubt.
There’s something very captivating about people who don’t seem to give a crap about what people think of them. I call it the “power of the least committed.”
He who gives the least amount of fucks, wins. I’m not saying be an asshole, but just don’t take things too seriously. If you do get a “no” when asking for a number, who cares? Move on to the next one.
When you get within earshot, keep it simple. One of the most effective “pick-up lines” isn’t something cheesy and offensive. It’s a simple “Hi, I’m (Insert Bro’s name here). I don’t think I’ve met you before, what’s your name?”
Simple as that. Hold eye contact, smile genuinely, and just say that. From there, you can engage in banter that gets the momentum of the conversation going.
Stay away from the typical “Where do you live? What do you do for fun?” Girls get that all the time. Come up with some fun, open-ended questions that challenge them in unique ways.
Engage physically, or “E” in the D.E.N.N.I.S system if you’re an Always Sunny fan. I don’t mean that in the creepy way he intended, but it helps to establish some physical contact to take the connection to the next level.
Nudge her at the end of a funny joke, give her a high five when she gets excited about the fact you both grew up in neighboring towns, hold up your hand next to hers to compare hand sizes.
The more you can pull this off in a non-creepy way, the more you’ll break down the barrier between the two of you and it’ll allow for more comfortable and fun convos.
Often times you’ll say something that might perk their ears in a skeptical way. Maybe you didn’t land a joke perfectly and she hasn’t laughed yet. Stick to it and commit. Don’t say you were kidding and brush it off. Girls dig a guy who sticks to their guns with conviction. It’s a sign of confidence.
And don’t let her walk all over you. Some girls will begin testing you in various ways, trying to get free drinks and see what else they can get you to do in exchange for their affection.
Don’t fall for it. Hold strong. If she crosses the line, then toss it back in her direction. “Wow, that was really rude … you know what, you owe me a drink now. I’ll take a vodka soda with lime.”
You can do it in a playful way, but stay in the power position and don’t let her assume she can manipulate you. It will ultimately decrease how attracted she is to you.
Try not to depend too much on booze. Take the “liquid” out of “liquid courage.” Most bros won’t even talk to a girl until they’re 4 or 5 pints deep. Don’t let drinking be a crutch or a prerequisite to firing up a convo with the beautiful blonde at the other end of the bar.
After taking in a half a dozen drinks, you have a limited window before you creep into the double figures and can’t even formulate a sentence. Learn to approach when you’re sober. You don’t need booze to banter.
To recap, keep it simple, fun, genuine, and don’t psyche yourself out. Peacocking and magic tricks for one night stands are not a good long-term strategy.