How to combine the safety and security of monogamy with the freedom of polyamory.
For years I’ve been trying to find the right relational pathway for me.
After 5 great loves that didn’t last forever, I decided to not commit until I was completely clear on how things should work for me in relationship. I tried monogamy for 15 years, but kept coming to the point of feeling starved for affection from others. I tried polyamory, but was literally not able to be physically interested in the concept; as when making love with a 3rd different girl in 3 nights, I felt like I was cheating so struggled to stay high performing in the sack.
Over this long course of time I thought of a new concept — “MonogamISH” — which I first mentioned in my previous blogpost titled “10 Ways To Create a ‘Reality Ascending Love.'”
There are three fundamental aspects of a monogamish relationship.
1. Romantic Exclusivity: Having the commitment and agreement with one very special other that you intend to be together for the rest of your lives, or at least the foreseeable future, and are willing to do what it takes to prioritize and work on the relationship to ensure this happens.
2. Shared Sexuality: All sexual activity is only engaged in with others outside of your primary relationship through agreement — and only together, with both partners present. Practiced, non-verbal cues ensure both parties are never pushed beyond the edge of their comfort zone, and respect is ensured for the extra person(s).
3. Intimate Friendships: It is understood that each partner may have individual friendships with others which may be emotionally intimate, and may even involve sensual touch. This deals with the “ball and chaining” that happens in monogamous relationships — i.e., where your friend ends up with the partner of their dreams and you never see them alone again.
This framework is designed to provide for the safety and security of a monogamous romance, along with the freedoms associated with polyamorous sexuality.
In my own experience — while noting I’m still fresh when it comes to having a fully functioning monogamish relationship — that this relationship structure will prevent the heartbreak that can happens when a polyamourous partner decides that the new flavor of the month is altogether better.
In my upcoming book, “Sensual Freedom: 50 Shades of Monogamish,” I share the following example of a dilemma to illustrate the distinction between a Monogamish relationship versus infidelity.
You come back after dropping May at the airport and watch the rest of the Game of Thrones episode. Bob turns up, though both being monogamous and seeing us all being on the bed together, says he’s going to go for a drink with Max. This leaves you, Amelia & Veronica. You decide to watch another episode together. Snuggling up, eventually there’s another sexy scene on the show. You notice this triggers Veronica playing with Amelia’s hair, and you start running your hands along Veronica’s arm.
Veronica in turn starts slowly touching your leg, and the air begins to have an electric feel to it. They start making out with you a couple of inches away from their lips. Staying within sensuality despite their sexuality, rather than three way kiss, you blow air along both their necks. It starts to get more heated between you all, six hands are moving almost everywhere at once. You pull back for a moment and just sit there as the witness; thanking your lucky stars for the fruits of your journey so far in becoming Monogamish.
This could so easily turn sexual for you, but you’ve made your promise to stay only in sensuality whilst you’re not with Roxie. What do you do?
A) Honor your word, and just fully enjoy this incredible experience for what it is; two hot girls making out with you witnessing, and its actually totally fine by your partner! Turn to Page X.
B) She won’t know, and when are you going to get another opportunity like this? Let’s see how far we can take this… Turn to Page Y.
What are your thoughts on being monogamish? Do you see an opening for a shift in your preferred way of relating?
Photo credit: Flickr/ciJ1WW
Some more Monogamish Definition here – https://fantasyapp.com/en/blog/dan-savages-definition-of-monogamish-and-more/
I think there’s an inherent problem with all of this. It’s ultimately a ‘have your cake and eat it’ philosophy. The truth is there are pro’s and cons to each different relationship model. The question is do you have the integrity to make a commitment one way or the other? After all in relationship we are dealing with real life, living, breathing, loving, and often broken people. We need to handle all with care. That’s the goal surely? Not the need to fulfil our desire to have love, security and multiple intimate partners. I myself ‘flirted’ with the idea of… Read more »
Thank you Lark, your beautiful comment has me further believe there truly are 3 distinct camps to be in. So far, Monogamish has had us have the cake, eat it, & ensure no one ends up with cake on their face. The points you raise are why we haven’t become Polyamorous. Monogamish is all about communication & ensuring the priority is on us, with the potential for a special guest star every now & then if we’re both keen. It’s great to hear you’re having a relationship that so perfectly suits your current values, and I hope it stays that… Read more »
The word “monogamish” was invented by Dan Savage; why do you seem to be claiming to have invented a well-known neologism? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Savage_Love#Monogamish Acknowledging the source would give your project more credibility in the long run, although maybe you don’t want to share “credit”. Also, borrowing and miniaturizing content from polyamorous writer Franklin Veaux (morethantwo.com) and Kimchi Cuddles creator Tikva Wolf (kimchicuddles.com) without giving proper credit/links does not win you any points with the ethical non-monogamy community. I recommend you actually read their content too, since you seem to have some pretty weird ideas about what polyamory actually is/includes from what… Read more »
Thanks for commenting Mel. I can totally get how you come to the conclusion you have. For clarity, when submitting my articles here they get edited before being put up. I word my coming across Monogamish pretty differently and in researching for polishing the article found Dan Savage. In my draft I was so impressed by Dan I linked to him and his Festival of Dangerous Ideas talk (still highly recommend those interested google it). Speaking to your second point, never heard of the other two creators so can’t agree on the borrowing bit as I’ve never read them. That… Read more »