How to combine the safety and security of monogamy with the freedom of polyamory.
For years I’ve been trying to find the right relational pathway for me.
After 5 great loves that didn’t last forever, I decided to not commit until I was completely clear on how things should work for me in relationship. I tried monogamy for 15 years, but kept coming to the point of feeling starved for affection from others. I tried polyamory, but was literally not able to be physically interested in the concept; as when making love with a 3rd different girl in 3 nights, I felt like I was cheating so struggled to stay high performing in the sack.
Over this long course of time I thought of a new concept — “MonogamISH” — which I first mentioned in my previous blogpost titled “10 Ways To Create a ‘Reality Ascending Love.'”
There are three fundamental aspects of a monogamish relationship.
1. Romantic Exclusivity: Having the commitment and agreement with one very special other that you intend to be together for the rest of your lives, or at least the foreseeable future, and are willing to do what it takes to prioritize and work on the relationship to ensure this happens.
2. Shared Sexuality: All sexual activity is only engaged in with others outside of your primary relationship through agreement — and only together, with both partners present. Practiced, non-verbal cues ensure both parties are never pushed beyond the edge of their comfort zone, and respect is ensured for the extra person(s).
3. Intimate Friendships: It is understood that each partner may have individual friendships with others which may be emotionally intimate, and may even involve sensual touch. This deals with the “ball and chaining” that happens in monogamous relationships — i.e., where your friend ends up with the partner of their dreams and you never see them alone again.
This framework is designed to provide for the safety and security of a monogamous romance, along with the freedoms associated with polyamorous sexuality.
In my own experience — while noting I’m still fresh when it comes to having a fully functioning monogamish relationship — that this relationship structure will prevent the heartbreak that can happens when a polyamourous partner decides that the new flavor of the month is altogether better.
In my upcoming book, “Sensual Freedom: 50 Shades of Monogamish,” I share the following example of a dilemma to illustrate the distinction between a Monogamish relationship versus infidelity.
You come back after dropping May at the airport and watch the rest of the Game of Thrones episode. Bob turns up, though both being monogamous and seeing us all being on the bed together, says he’s going to go for a drink with Max. This leaves you, Amelia & Veronica. You decide to watch another episode together. Snuggling up, eventually there’s another sexy scene on the show. You notice this triggers Veronica playing with Amelia’s hair, and you start running your hands along Veronica’s arm.
Veronica in turn starts slowly touching your leg, and the air begins to have an electric feel to it. They start making out with you a couple of inches away from their lips. Staying within sensuality despite their sexuality, rather than three way kiss, you blow air along both their necks. It starts to get more heated between you all, six hands are moving almost everywhere at once. You pull back for a moment and just sit there as the witness; thanking your lucky stars for the fruits of your journey so far in becoming Monogamish.
This could so easily turn sexual for you, but you’ve made your promise to stay only in sensuality whilst you’re not with Roxie. What do you do?
A) Honor your word, and just fully enjoy this incredible experience for what it is; two hot girls making out with you witnessing, and its actually totally fine by your partner! Turn to Page X.
B) She won’t know, and when are you going to get another opportunity like this? Let’s see how far we can take this… Turn to Page Y.
What are your thoughts on being monogamish? Do you see an opening for a shift in your preferred way of relating?
Photo credit: Flickr/ciJ1WW