“I’ve had sex with sixty-three women in my life…and I only ever cared about four of them.”
I once overheard this conversation in a public cafe.
It was an elderly man, probably in his 70s, recounting his dating experiences to the young man he was with.
There has always been a double standard when it comes to the way men and women experience sex.
If a man sleeps around, he’s a player. But if a woman sleeps around, she’s a slut.
If a man sleeps around, he’s desirable to a lot of women. But if a woman sleeps around, she’s “too easy.”
And oh, my favorite —
“A key that can open any lock is a master key. But a lock that can be opened by any key is a useless lock.”
Most of us can agree that there shouldn’t be a double standard.
Where we differ, however, is how we believe it can be corrected.
Modern feminism and “hookup” culture say the way to balance out promiscuous men is to become promiscuous — er, sexually liberated — women.
Men can’t control their bodily urges? Neither should we, ladies! Let’s sleep with as many men as possible. Stick it to the patriarchy!
Because, you know, if men are going to sleep around and be praised for it, women should go and do the same.
I mean, that’s one way to look at it.
The other side of the coin will argue that yes, men can sleep around but women can’t.
You know — locks and keys, and all that jazz.
But that isn’t exactly it, either.
You can argue that men and women view sex differently, and men can sleep around and not develop emotional attachments, but that line of thinking only gets you so far.
While men and women might be experiencing this issue from different angles, it doesn’t change one simple fact that nobody seems to consider —
Self respecting women don’t want a promiscuous man, either.
If she’s looking for a man to date seriously, why would she want a man with a track record of using and leaving other women?
Why would she want a man with 50 or 100 or 500 previous partners, most of whom he doesn’t even remember?
Why would she want a man who views sex so distinctly separate from love that he gives his body away as if sex were just a handshake?
Why would she want that?
If she hopes to have a relatively long-term relationship with this man, wouldn’t she want to know that he is capable of loving her?
That when he makes love to her, he means it?
For a man with a promiscuous past, it is all the more difficult to discern how much emotional weight he puts into his sexual encounters.
That matters to women.
Promiscuity is never more attractive than self-control.
A gift is never more precious when it is given away to many.
Mindless casual sex with more people than you can remember is never more meaningful or satisfying than sex with a person you truly know and love.
The stereotype is that most women are chasing the “Chad’s” — that is, popular men who sleep around just because they can.
There’s just one problem: it isn’t true.
There’s only a select group of women who choose to chase the “top 20%” of guys while knowing that they won’t get a proper relationship out of it.
And it isn’t most of us.
For normal, everyday gals, the idea of a one-night stand with a super hot “Chad” just isn’t appealing enough to act on. Women with self-respect don’t regularly subject themselves to those types of scenarios.
It doesn’t matter how good-looking a guy is. If he’s not relationship material, his level of attractiveness is cut in half.
No six-pack is worth six months of therapy.
Normal, everyday, girl-next-door types aren’t spending all their time chasing players and jerks.
They are most likely looking for a guy who treats them right, has some vision for his future, and has at least a few things in common.
Can it be hard to meet people and find compatibilities?
Of course it can.
But let’s not pretend that every girl and her sister are busy chasing the jerks who want to use them for sex and nothing more.
Women are smarter than that.
Give us a little credit.
This post was previously published on medium.com.
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