Motormouth Disease

It’s hard not to get defensive when your son’s Pre-K teacher accuses of him being hard to understand. Because “laughter is the sound of comprehension”, and I didn’t score any laughs my 1st year of open mike stand-up.

I want my son to develop friendships deeper than the eighteen hole; so, I’m bound to get miffed when his Pre-K teacher implies his speech problems are preventing this from happening. Wrestling Team members spit in their cups at lunch together; coincidentally, so do pre-school kids.

Did I mention he’s 5? Aren’t kids at this age barely competent mimes? You’re not expecting Junior to bail you out in Charades, is all I’m saying.

So, apparently, Arthur’s speech problems make it hard for him to develop positive relationships. Relax Teacher, I already told him about Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People.

Fake an interest in others as long as possible.

Arthur’s speech problems make it hard for him to develop positive relationships with his peers.

I’ll tell him to tone down his express genius. Like Henry Miller said, “Nothing is more depressing than a genius scrounging for work.”

Arthur’s speech makes it difficult for him to form positive relationships with peers.

Turn the other kids on to John Coltrane records during his super-frenetic period. So they can keep up with his motor mouth already.

Arthur’s speech makes it difficult for him to form positive relationships with peers.

Is Janey crying because Arthur called her a fake feminist for never offering to pick up after her Crayola station?

Arthur’s speech makes it difficult for him to form positive relationships with peers.

But he can run and jump without falling. So, nobody is calling him a knock-kneed putz. Which is a step up in life over daddy at his age.

Arthur’s speech makes it difficult for him to form positive relationships with peers.

Are Billy’s roundups of Sponge Bob Square Pants so much more absorbing to listen to?

Arthur’s speech makes it difficult for him to form positive relationships with peers.

Native New Yorkers talk fast because, like Dave Matthews, they have so much to say.

Bad example.  Dave Matthews makes no sense to me either.

Arthur’s speech makes it difficult for him to form positive relationships with peers.

He’s a better-looking River Phoenix. Plus, he’s funny, even when you can’t understand what he’s saying.  Like Lucille Ball with her mouth full of chocolates.

Arthur’s speech makes it difficult for him to form positive relationships with peers.

Is he expected to be fluent in Spanish for Taco Tuesdays already????

Arthur’s speech makes it difficult for him to form positive relationships with peers.

Because he’s demanding commission money for selling more Girl Scout Cookies than Mia? I sold the most, why shouldn’t I get a cut of the pie?

Arthur’s speech makes it difficult for him to form positive relationships with peers.

Sure, if he was a tech support worker from Mumbai trying to get a job at the Genius Bar in Manhattan.

I read your Pre-K progress report for Arthur. His speech makes it difficult to form positive relationships with his peers. But every time I pick him up, all the girls in class insist on a play date at our house.

I know star power runs in the family.

I’m sensitive to charges of talking too fast. Are you amazed I haven’t run out of breath yet?

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