We’ve all been there. We’ve loved, then we’ve lost. And that heartbreak, especially the first time, can be the most excruciating pain we’ve ever known. Inevitably though, whether it’s from a loved one, a therapist, or even our own internal self, we’re told to move on. But if you’re anything like me, you still hold a piece of sentimentality for that special, first person.
And I’m here to tell you that it’s okay. Moving on does not mean we have to let go.
It’s been two years since I last had any contact my first love, and four since we had any meaningful relationship beyond a month long, or so, romantic fling. For the first few months, I was in typical heartbreak mode: everything hurt, I wondered if there was going to be anyone after them, and was in recovery mode.
Now, having successfully moved on, detaching myself from that relationship’s hold and letting myself love again with someone new, I still find my thoughts drifting back to them and that first relationship. What are they doing now? Are they happy? Do they miss me and what we had? And I felt guilty about it for a long time.
But I’ve realized an important, weight-lifting truth: we don’t have to give up the memories and experiences we once shared. Just because you’ve had time to get over being hurt, to feel whole when you were once broken, doesn’t mean that you can’t reflect upon once was. And it is important for your own being to allow yourself to do so!
By sitting with these memories and experiences we can think about what was good, yes, but also what went wrong. And in a clearer head space than we were right when it happened, we can evaluate and learn about not only the warning signs with other people, but also the warning signs missteps from ourselves. Yes, we too must accept some blame. But in this acceptance comes the freedom from feeling guilty about living in the past.
There is strength in learning from our past relationships, but in order to do so we must be willing to accept their mistakes and also ours. Not blaming, not judging, and not ruminating. These only serve to cause us more grief and pain. But true acceptance and understanding allow us to move past what went wrong, learn from it, and be left with good memories that we can treasure.
If you find yourself in pain when thinking back on that first love, take a moment to sit with it. What is it telling you? What can you learn from it? We do not need to push these memories away. Allow yourself to feel, to learn, and, once you have accepted them, be okay with letting your mind think back to that person.
Our first love will always occupy a special place in our hearts, and it doesn’t always have to hurt.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love and is republished here with permission from the author.
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Photo credit: Unsplash