We have a love affair with romantic love, often to the exclusion of love in other relationships. We have been conditioned to think that the right type of love is one that makes us happy all the time or that makes us feel good all the time. Our profound disconnection from spirituality as a culture has interfered with our developmental growth. We believe in the same vision we did when we were kids and often don’t make it past the marriage ceremony. We are so conflict avoidant as a culture that we don’t even have the conscious awareness that resolving conflict may be exactly what is needed to get to where we want to be.
What is it that we really want? We are all craving passion. For far too long, most of us equate passion with simple lust of sexual attraction but passion can be more than simply thinking that someone else is hot. Passion develops from living your life to the full extent of your capabilities and doing so authentically. Passion means you face your fears and break down the walls holding you back. Passion means facing your anxiety and telling it to simmer down. Passion means that your live your life in complete honor and respect of all your relationships — including your romantic ones. In this way, passion may actually be what we need to make better choices and decisions regarding commitment and marriage. It seems paradoxical but passion and spirituality actually go very well together when they are in balance.
Right now our culture is obsessed with attachment styles. I am a highly trained psychologist with expertise in the assessment of attachment in relationships. Yet, despite the scientific research being available, modern American culture still focuses on the emotional safety and security rather than on the need for exploration. The purpose of having a secure attachment style is not so that your partner placates all your emotional needs. Rather, it is so you feel like you can safely explore the world and cultivate deep love and passion for your life. Our over-focusing on emotional security is due to the majority of us having inter-generational, relationship-based trauma, a lack of education, and poor access to the type of mental wellness and healing support necessary to be more emotionally secure. According to David Schnarch, PhD, the purpose of marriage is not about feeling good — it’s about growing up through conflict and, in essence, healing our childhood wounds.
For most of Western civilization low sexual desire has been considered a goal rather than a problem. — David Schnarch, PhD
Most of us simply do not understand that the very culture we grow up in often controls our thoughts and views on marriage, relationships and sex. In some cultures, passion has been repressed in favor of practicality when it coms to marriage. What would it be like if we could walk our healing and spiritual path to reach a state of authenticity and then decide what our thoughts and feelings about marriage really are? It would be in this state that we could dial down the critical mind and open up to the experience of a deeper, more passionate relationship. Yet, perhaps the biggest hindrance to experiencing passion is, in fact, the very early relationships that may have caused our trauma to begin with — passionate love activates the same pathways as our relationships with our mother (or primary early attachment figures) and if we did not experience joy, safety and exuberance when our brains were being developed, could it be that we are struggling so much with our love lives simply because we are scared of what passion is supposed to feel like? If this is true, our society’s obsession with attachment styles then takes on a new meaning — perhaps we are finally starting to collectively heal and maybe, if I’m patient enough, we will collectively reach the day when we can move beyond emotional security to true exploration.
What an exciting time to be living!
Today’s intuitive guidance reminds us that the planet Mars (the planet of aggression and sex) and Venus (the planet of love) can be in opposition. Conflict is a natural occurrence in the Universe. Without conflict, you do not experience the full array of human emotions. You do not experience passion. It is when we move through the conflict that we develop deeper connections with other people.
So, where have you closed off your heart? Has it been in a romantic relationship? Is it with a relationship with someone at work? Is it with the totality of the United States? We are currently surrounded by lots of conflict and yet we are not moving forward with healthy communication, good listening, and a deep interest in understanding what makes us all passionate human beings.
Karmic relationships are necessary for your soul’s growth. They are not inherently bad (although they bring with them unpleasant experiences so you can learn). The goal of healthy marriage or long term romantic success is not in the avoidance of karmic relationships (or narcissists), it is in embracing the opportunities to be authentic and speak your truth.
Take some time to reflect today and see which people are pressing your buttons. Take some time to reflect and think about what is going on internally that is affecting your emotions. Rather than dismissing the other person as “wrong” can you find a way to move past conflict and learn? You might be surprised at how much you grow when you are able to embrace conflict instead of avoiding it.
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Previously Published on Medium
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