Taking a detour from how I usually start my articles, I encourage you to watch the 4 minute, 30 second video below. It’ll help the entire read make more sense.
Akon — Lonely (Official Music Video) — YouTube
For those of you uninterested in watching it, I’ll provide the basic gist. It’s a song released by Akon, one of the most popular R&B artists of the early 2000’s (back when Blackberry cell phones and oversized clothes were still in style).
Akon talks at length about a relationship gone sour due to his inability to treat his significant other right. As a result, he ends up becoming “Mr. Lonely,” yearning to find himself back with the one he loves and took for granted.
The video got me thinking about how crummy men are toward women as a group. How we suck at being great (for the most part) but are great at sucking as an aggregate whole.
There is no “Mrs. Lonely” music video, but if there were one, I believe it’d be akin to what inspired me to write this.
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No one enjoys enduring prolonged bouts of loneliness, but women in particular DO NOT enjoy being alone, ESPECIALLY when those feelings of loneliness stem from subpar or non-existent love lives.
It isn’t hard to love women the right way. I’ve had several conversations with my sisters, female relatives, and close female friends about this very subject. Love is a big deal to them!
To quote the song “Try a Little Tenderness” by the widely admired musician Michael Bublé,
You won’t regret it,
Women don’t forget it,
Love is their whole happiness.
Those conversations exposed me to minutiae most guys overlook that I didn’t particularly enjoy learning about — like the subtle signs a woman is unhappy in an intimate relationship, overlooked indicators showcasing what causes a woman to feel lonely, and the most harrowing reality of all — what females are willing to resort to when they don’t feel loved by anyone around them.
I learned in detail that women who don’t feel loved, especially by significant others, they end up clinging to male relatives like their fathers, uncles, brothers, or cousins.
When that doesn’t work, they turn to best friends or exes from relationships that ended amicably, which is very rare, especially in this day and age. A LOT have given up on guys as a result, instead finding love from a more loyal species — dogs.
If none of the aforementioned is enough, any past ex becomes an option, as does the all-too-common “friends with benefits” phenomenon.
In other words, if women are plants, then the love they receive (or should receive) from guys is a very real form of water — like Essentia alkaline water with a pH level of 9.5.
What I’m basically saying here is that regular water is great, but alkaline water is even better at increasing important minerals in your body and can even help with certain health conditions.
Initially, I had a hard time believing any woman would potentially stoop that low just to feel loved. I’ve always been a “Mama’s boy” and have such high regard for womankind.
That’s when they encouraged me to listen to “Memories Back Then,” a song released by Tip “T.I.” Harris, one of the most popular recording artists to emerge from Atlanta’s incredibly talented rap scene.
The specific part that stood out to me was,
Then one day I just asked her,
“Why you always give your ass up?
I mean, damn, these hoes get paid,
All you do is get laid — this shit don’t add up,”
She said, “Tip, all I wanna do is feel love,
Even if I know it ain’t real love.”
What kind of a world do we live in if women feel compelled to live this way?
The Ex Who Fits the Mold
Some time ago, I dated a girl who I thought was “the one.” She was tall, voluptuous, beautiful, and well-versed socially — something I admired as someone with “high-functioning autism.”
The closer we got, the more of her internal woes and issues she shared with me. The more she shared, the more overwhelmed and fearful I became.
Not because I didn’t want to help, but because it felt like she was making me both her God and the poster boy for her issues.
In other words, she expected me to process all of her emotional turmoil AND made me the scapegoat for the ways she felt she’d been wronged before our relationship ever started.
The saddest part was at one point, she was the epitome of a perfect daughter. She looked after her siblings, respected her stepmother and biological father, and went out of her way to engage with her siblings and relatives.
After she got her heart broken by her first boyfriend, the same person she gave her virginity to, it broke her heart and spirit in the worst way possible, turning her into a self-proclaimed “demon-possessed bad girl.”
Her biological mother didn’t love her enough to play a substantial role in her life while married to her father. After their divorce, she disappeared entirely, leaving her dad alone to raise her, her younger brother, and older sister.
Her dad was never around, always busy with work as a VP of a civil engineering company. As a result, he couldn’t really invest in her life the way she needed, making her already sensitive nature prone to assuming and believing the worst.
Her siblings didn’t enjoy engaging with her because of how different she was from them. Where they were mild-mannered, she was expressive. Where they were unfeeling, she was sensitive. In short, they didn’t seem like they were actually related, branding her the “terrorist adopted child.”
Then she got her heart and soul obliterated into millions of shards by the first guy she loved. All of this led to extreme bouts with loneliness coupled with the belief that she’d never be worthy of love. There wasn’t much evidence to thwart those thoughts around her.
That led her down a dark path, one that saw her use guys for sex, date men way too old for her, hold onto exes as security nets, and embrace various forms of immorality and unethical conduct.
Then we started dating. Our relationship lasted a little over a year. Had the timing been different — meaning she had time to properly heal — I truly believe we’d be happily married.
In hindsight, I realize most of her issues stemmed from feeling completely alone and unloved. It’s scary what that combination can drive a female to do to rid herself of those emotions.
My Closing Advice to All of Mankind
If I could offer a piece of advice to all of mankind (men, women, boys, girls, young adults, parents, etc.), it’d be to STOP underappreciating how sensitive women are.
Not all females are super sensitive the same way not all guys are super macho. Still, when it comes to love, women seem to value it more. Hell, they YEARN for it.
They want to be swept off their feet and romanced their entire lives, not just while dating or during the beginning stages of living together or marriage. After all, intimacy is a life-long ordeal, not a feat of convenience.
Stop allowing them to feel alone or unloved. Don’t reinforce the belief that they’re unworthy of happiness.
If I had a dollar for every story I’ve ever heard about women embracing any of these ghastly feelings, I’d be rich enough to stop writing on Medium (though being honest, that’s something I’d probably never do).
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Music can be a great way to learn the dos and don’ts of love, especially if that love is intimate in nature. So, I want to conclude this article with one more song, one that’s incredibly relevant even if you aren’t a fan of rap.
Lil Wayne — How To Love (Lyrics) — YouTube
This one you can’t skip.
Until next time.
Paul
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean? | My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence |
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Photo credit: Julia Caesar on Unsplash