My 5000-Mile Attempt at Escaping an Empty Nest

I’m sitting in seat 11F drinking my complimentary glass of white wine. An old coworker of mine is the flight attendant and hooked me up. I used to work in the airline industry as well until COVID. I miss my old work friends, quite a lot some days but I’ve moved into the healthcare industry and it’s too lucrative to jump ship. I’m contemplating taking her up on her offer of another glass…

I’ve realized in my half-glass glow that sometimes a trip isn’t about the places you’re visiting as much as what you’re there to reflect upon.

I’ve been living through empty nest syndrome. Make no mistake, the term does not reflect the actual experience.

Empty nest sounds light-hearted, something society terms when an overly emotional parent, with too much time on their hands, feels sad or idle when their children fly the coop. Empty nest syndrome should have a stronger term. The word depression should 100% be included in that term.

Postpartum depression is a very serious psychological disorder explaining the oftentimes severe and dangerous depression of a woman who just gave Birth. Empty nest syndrome can be present, according to psychologists for 1.5 to 2 years. Empty nest syndrome is depression. No doubt about it. I know this because I’ve lived through it for three years. I hide it well.

I’m just returning home from a one-week jaunt to Europe. I was in London, Santiago de Compostela Spain, Porto Portugal, and Ireland. I left because a) I want to use the leftover flight benefits I feel fortunate to have, and b) I’m trying to gain perspective on my life, I’m trying to regroup so-to-speak.

Although I’ve always worked while raising my children, their father and I did the tag team, he worked afternoons, and I worked days. Through 18–20 years my main identity was ‘MOM’. My children were my world, my whole world. And now they’re living successful and independent lives. My partner tells me it’s because I’ve done a good job. No good deed goes unpunished.

I travelled 5000 miles to gain perspective, yet the only perspective I gained was to try harder to spend more time with my family. And to hold onto the nest.

I thought this trip would help me gain my own independence, I thought I would suddenly decide that I should live a full and independent life for my children. Maybe even travel long term one day. I desperately anticipated returning home as a new woman.

Instead, I’m only fighting harder to hold onto the past.

Throughout much of my trip, the sites and sounds I experienced were through the eyes of my children. My adult children.

I took one million and one photos of things I thought they would find interesting. I pined over them when I saw small children or families. I berated myself when I saw the frustration of a mother whose son darted out of his stroller and into a restaurant. I remember feeling frustrated at times, and I’m confused at how I never thought they would grow independent of me.

Obviously, this is the goal. We introduce our children to the world and hope the world is good to them in return. We teach them everything we know and hope they’re ready for that world.

However, I can’t help but wonder all the time if I appreciated every moment with them enough. I wonder just about every day if I should have done things differently.

Does this sound like empty nest syndrome… or empty nest depression?

I often cry, wishing those days back. Some days it’s self-torture with no way to escape my thoughts.

I’m unable to listen to one of my favourite songs by Coldplay, ‘Clocks’. As you can imagine the lyrics discuss time.

The song includes one particular phrase; ‘cursed missed opportunities. That’s currently the story of my life. I’m drowning in a river of regret. No longer am I able to listen to those lyrics.

I know I’m sounding pretty ominous. I still have good days, and the times I have with my children are precious and full of laughter and fun.

But if I were to do it all over again? Maybe I would worry less about the housework, not take my office job so seriously, and enjoy every moment of my children even more than I did.

Maybe, actually, I know I would not have made my son miss school that one sports day when he was a senior and looked forward to leading the events to look after his sister who was at home sick.

I would not have put my job first that day afraid of upsetting my employer by staying home to look after my daughter.

That job… restructured just a few months later and 11 employees were let go, including me.

That job was and never would be worth my son missing that sports day at school. Of course, at the time I didn’t realize it was a special day for him, and he didn’t really inform me of that… nonetheless, I would have done that day, and many other days differently.

No job, in my mind is worth more than a job.

Empty nest syndrome can be underestimated. It’s often seen as a normal part of life and in fact, many parents celebrate their children moving out. For some, however, the struggle is very real.

I travelled 5000 miles to begin my own independent journey when in reality my thought processes haven’t changed at all.

It only made me realize that I need to take advantage of every opportunity I have with them. At ages 24 and 20 they are working hard and studying hard. They have full lives, and I need to grasp any opportunity to build more memories and ward off future regret.

So in conclusion, even though I will try again to build my own independence, and try to live for myself some of the time, I fully plan to complete a long bucket list of things I want to accomplish with my children.

My solo journey to reinvent myself has only strengthened the very reason that I needed perspective in the first place.

I am refusing to let an empty nest define these years, and refusing to give up.

Those special moments just need more planning and more commitment to follow through, and I’ll be sharing that not-so-empty nest bucket list very soon.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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