My Big Family Vacation Sucks

I probably should have put the subtitle first, because I’m going to get an earful out of this one.

Par for the course.

My astrological sign is Virgo, which means not only am I a virgin but that also I am super anal about everything. Move along, people, it’s not that kind of article.

I need everything done in a precise manner. I am a scheduler, by nature. If we aren’t eating dinner by 6 PM every night, I get antsy. If I miss leaving for the gym at noon by three minutes because I was stuck in a meeting, then I just blow off the entire thing. I will get fit tomorrow. Or I will get fat tomorrow. One of those two things will happen.
So, as is my lot in life, I like to plan my summer vacations about a year in advance. In the age of Covid and global shutdowns, this is an exercise in seeing how well my anxiety medications work.

Vacation planning is not restful.

To make things worse, I have more children than the standard nuclear family. I have two kids by my first marriage, and two by my second. My children are aged in range from thirteen to twenty-one. Yes, I have one kid that can drink, and all four make me want to.

I used to love vacation planning. I used to love finding new places to go, adventures to do, and things to see. I’d research things like “top vacations for families” and “family-friendly vacations” and then would diligently dig through reviews and pricing and then go through the process of booking.

This was easy with just my two kids.

Not so easy with four.

Harder when you have two boys and two girls in that mix.

The reason for this is that most vacation resorts, hotels, and lodging are designed for either a couple of adults or a small family. The largest rooms and suites may come with a king-sized bed, a double bed, and maybe a sleeper sofa. Perfect for that family of four that doesn’t mind all cozying up together in the same room.

Once that number of kids bumps up to four and their ages change from “child” to “adult” fares, though, then things get ugly fast. And by “ugly” I mean “expensive” and by “expensive” I mean “stupid expensive.”

My searches are no longer “top vacations for families.” Nope. Now I have to search for things like “vacations for large families” or “vacations under 1 billion dollars” because as soon as you bump up that number of guests, the costs go BOOM (that’s the sound of a rocket taking off, FYI).

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Want to go on a cruise? No problem with four people. You can all, unbelievably, fit into a cabin with all of you. It is super squishy, but it is totally doable. Six of you? Not happening. You need two cabins. Suddenly, your $3,000 cruise to Bermuda is now a $6000 minimum investment in seasickness.

Want to fly somewhere? Enjoy that $5000 airfare bill. Sadly, now you can only afford the roundtrip tickets so your vacation is spent getting on the plane, flying to your destination, getting back on the plane, and going home.

If you want to stay somewhere, like a hotel or all-inclusive, this may be a good time to call your doctor to get a stronger anti-depressant. The cheapest suite that will sleep six people only has three queen beds. This is fine for you and your wife, but try to get your two teenage boys to agree to sleep in the same bed with each other.

This means you have to look for separate rooms. Luckily, the cheapest rooms with one king bed or two double beds also have a sleep-sofa. Since you can’t actually request a specific bed type, this takes care of the issue of having your children spoon each other.

The only thing you have to referee with two kids sharing a room with only one bed and a sofa is who gets to sleep where. You are a parent, you’re used to refereeing so this one should be easy. Oldest gets the bed, youngest gets the sofa. And then you alternate nights. Easy peasy until the one with the sofa realizes that you’re staying an odd number of days so he only gets the bed three nights instead of four.

This is why there is a mini-bar in your room.

However, your vacation planning is now venturing towards maybe we’ll just stay home and do day trips to the mall territory. I took all six of us to Mexico a few years ago and the flights plus all-inclusive topped $10,000, the most expensive trip I’ve ever planned but bar none my absolute favorite.

There is the trick. Try to find all-inclusive places to stay.

All-inclusive resorts are usually (a) self-contained, meaning you can just let the kids go take off somewhere without having to babysit them and (b) have free booze. The booze is the important part because after you’ve spent ten grand on a tropical vacation to Cancun with four children who don’t like Mexican food, you will need it.

Because places to stay for larger families are so difficult to find and research, I’ve had to start my vacation almost two years in advance. This does not bode well for my Virgo mind, because if things aren’t coming out like I want them to, my anxiety stretches. I panic.

My recommendations for you, if you have a large (four kids or more) family, and want to plan a vacation are as follows:

Search Early

Because you’ll need, or want, extra rooms, this means that you are subject to even more availability issues. One room is easier to get than three, so I suggest looking for accommodations about a decade before you think you’ll need them.

This may include calling a resort before it even exists.

Rent a House as Long as You’re Not Staying in a Country Where You Will Die

One year, we decided to vacation in Florida. Florida vacations for families are about as expensive as vacationing in Paris, mainly because each ticket to Disney World costs as much as yearly maintenance on The Eiffel Tower.

I had the same cost issue with finding a large suite to accommodate all of us, and multiple rooms were out of the question. This is because if (a) you’re staying inside Disney, the cost of a Disney Hotel Room is roughly half your yearly salary or (b) if you’re outside of Disney, well, let’s just say I’m not comfortable separating from my kids outside of a resort. There’s a reason most episodes of Unsolved Mysteries happen in Florida.

So, in comes VRBO and AirBnB to the rescue. My family rented a four-bedroom house a few miles away from Disney in a gated community (maybe next time, Unsolved Mysteries) for $2000 for the week. The place was awesome and even had a pool. This actually ended up infuriating me because after spending $5000 on Disney tickets, the kids asked if we could go back to the house just 20 minutes after walking through the gate of the Magic Kingdom because they wanted to swim in the pool. The Magic of the Magic Kingdom is that your money disappears into thin air very quickly.

The house was a fantastic and economical way to go for our family.

That’s when the air conditioning broke.

Did I tell you this was in the middle of August? No? It was in the middle of August. A Virgo may typecast me as being precise, but it certainly doesn’t mean I’m the smartest man on the planet.

So here’s one more word of advice:

Never Ever Travel to Florida in August

Okay. Now that I have that out of the way let’s get back to-

Rent a House as Long as You’re Not Staying in a Country Where You Will Die, Part 2

Luckily, companies like VRBO and AirBnB are pretty responsive when the crap hits the fan, like when your air conditioning is not working when the temperature outside is 2 degrees short of the surface of the sun. We were moved into a different house a little further down the street in the same neighborhood.

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The downside to this was that our replacement house was ten bedrooms and six bathrooms so now my kids were mad that we didn’t get this one in the first place.

Parenting. You can never ever win at anything. Ever.

However, if you’re traveling somewhere where a vacation house rental is probably not the best idea, then keep reading. This means anywhere you would have to stay outside of a secure resort facility and/or the jungle. I’m thinking of places specifically like Mexico or South America or even Punta Cana.

My ex-wife took her husband and my kids to Punta Cana one year and while they were on an excursion outside the resort riding ATVs, a bunch of guys exited the woods holding machetes and stood in the road in front of them. From what I was told it was as close to a near-death experience as any of them had until the guy leading the excursion walked over and spoke to the machete-wielding-jungle-people, who then sauntered back into the jungle.

Related: I just booked a trip to Punta Cana and will not be going on the ATV excursion, FYI.

Book Multiple Rooms

In almost all cases, a suite that sleeps 10 people will cost thousands more than two or three smaller rooms. The kicker here is that most places need at least one “adult” in each room, so multiple rooms may not work for all families unless you’re willing to split up with your spouse at night, which is a distinct possibility if you get on her nerves a lot.
Keep in mind, though, that different destinations consider the ages of an “adult” differently. Some countries consider anyone over 18 as an adult, while others consider anyone 13 or older as an adult. This explains the marriage rules in some countries, now that I think of it, so make sure you keep your 13-year old close to the vest at all times if you’re in one of these places.

Sort by Price

Sites like Expedia or Travelocity will allow you to sort your results by PRICE: LOW TO HIGH. This is key, unless you are Jeff Bezos. If you are Jeff Bezos and reading this, I’d just like to say “Hi, Jeff, you look nice today and also please send me money.”

Someday I just want to have enough money to live comfortably and sort by “Price: High to Low” just once. Until then, “Low to High” sorting is my savior.

If All Else Fails, Get a Travel Agent

If you already have a travel agent, I’m sorry that I just wasted your time. However, in this day and age, it’s almost easier booking things yourself and in most cases actually costs the same. If you don’t have a travel agent, make sure you do your due diligence when picking a place to go/stay, especially for cancellation policies. The more people in your party, the more likely you are to have to cancel because one of the kids ate a peanut off the airport terminal floor.

A lot of travel agents can, and will, call the resorts directly to see if they can get you attached rooms or specific requests that you can’t get on Internet travel sites. If you don’t have a travel agent, and you’re in a spot where you’re thinking “I love this place but I don’t see exactly what I want,” go call one.

I can tell you, though, that arm yourself with as much detail as you can. Get your dates, and room types, and candidates for lodging set up ahead of time. Give the travel agent your list in order of preference and there’s a pretty good chance you’ll get something close to what you want, if not exact.

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Save Money

My last tip is to save. Save save save. If you have a large family, this vacation is going to cost you. There is absolutely no way around it.

Please keep in mind that when I say “vacation” I don’t mean “camping.” Camping costs like $3 per person for a month and I also don’t consider sleeping in a tent, peeing in the woods, and being scared of bears a vacation. Nope, this is not an article for campers. I’m so sorry I’ve wasted your time.

But for the rest of you, start a vacation fund. Auto-transfer a certain amount of money from your savings account (or direct deposit) into it each month. Use it for your deposits or, in the best cases, to pay for your trip. If you have paid for your trip by some other means, then you can use the money in your vacation fund to pay for fun stuff for the kids, like food they will actually eat since they don’t like empanadas.

Conclusion

This is what I’ve got. I’ve had to do a lot of research over the years to try to take my kids to exotic places or on trips that I know they’d remember forever. This stuff takes a ton of planning and a lot of money. My astrological sign already has me covered on the planning part, but what to look for — and how to pay for it — has always been a different story.

Stay vigilant. Explore your options. Think outside the suite, and go have fun.

And don’t forget to purchase the all-inclusive booze option.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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