My Boyfriend Wants To Move In Before the Talk…

Ask Wendy: Dating, Sex & Relationship Advice for the Bold

Hey Wendy,

My boyfriend wants to move in, and my concern is that he’s not going to be carrying his own weight if we move in together. Not just on a financial level, but really everything else, like running errands chores and things like that.

Any time I try to talk about this though he either gets upset or tries to change the topic. His response is usually something along the lines of, “love will figure it out”. I just don’t know how to have this discussion.

Caryn R.

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Hey Caryn,

It sounds like you’ve already tried to have this discussion.

My friend, this doesn’t feel right or complete in any way.

It seems like he wants partnership but he’s not willing to do his part. And everyone has to do their part in a partnership for things to go well. Just call me Captain Obvious.

And “gets upset or tries to change the topic” is super red-flaggy to me. That’s gotta be nipped in the bud.

Do you want to know what I’d do if I were in your shoes? (Yes, yes you do!)

The next time he brings up moving in, I’d respond with, “Yeah — that’s not going to happen until we can have an adult conversation about division of costs and labor. Love doesn’t magically figure this out, we do. Are you ready to talk about that now?”

You need to keep your eyes wide open and make real agreements that have more to do with accountability and less to do with hopes, dreams, or expectations before moving him in (pssst: chore wheels are your friend).

If one or both of you doesn’t plan to do the essential domestic work of sharing a household like housekeeping or errands, then you can make arrangements to outsource some of it.

The division of labor may be different, but you can at least make it equal.

I hope this was useful. If you’re feeling like you need a deeper level of help in learning how to speak with him to have this go smoothly, I recommend my Happy in Love | DIY Workshop. Fluffy title, I know, but it’s accurate — being happy in your relationship is kind of a big deal. You’ll gain tools for communication with the opposite sex that will help well beyond doing chores.

Good luck!

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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