[This post is part of a series on how to effectively self-coach yourself, focusing on your existential needs as well as your emotional and practical needs. To learn more about existential wellness coaching, please take a look at my new book published by Routledge and called Existential Wellness Coaching.]
Why do you do what you do?
It is a deceptively simple question. Most of us can give immediate answers: “I work to earn a living.” “I exercise to stay healthy.” “I help others because I care.” These answers are not wrong—but they are often only partial. Beneath your stated reasons lie deeper currents—your core motivations—that quietly shape your choices, your persistence, your frustrations, and your sense of fulfillment.
In self-coaching, recognizing your core motivations is essential. Without that awareness, you may pursue goals that do not truly engage you, remain stuck in patterns you do not understand, or feel an ongoing sense of mismatch between your efforts and your inner life.
Understanding your motivations does not mean reducing yourself to a single driving force. It means becoming more aware of the multiple influences that guide your behavior—and learning how to work with them more consciously.
Surface Reasons vs. Deeper Drivers
When you first ask yourself why you do something, the answer is often practical or socially acceptable. You work “for stability.” You maintain relationships “because they matter.” You take on responsibilities “because you should.” These are surface reasons. They describe the what and the immediate why, but not always the deeper emotional or psychological drivers.
For example:
- Working for stability may also be driven by a desire for security, fear of uncertainty, or a wish to feel competent and capable.
- Helping others may be motivated by compassion, but also by a need for approval or a discomfort with your own needs.
- Pursuing achievement may reflect a genuine love of mastery, or it may be tied to a deeper need for validation.
Self-coaching invites you to go a layer deeper:
- “What is driving this for me, underneath the surface?”
- “What do I hope to feel or avoid by doing this?”
These questions move you closer to your core motivations.
The Emotional Core of Motivation
At the heart of most motivations is a desire to experience certain feelings and to avoid others.
You may be motivated by the desire to feel:
- Secure
- Valued
- Free
- Connected
- Competent
- Engaged
At the same time, you may be trying to avoid feeling:
- Inadequate
- Rejected
- Trapped
- Exposed
- Powerless
- Empty
These emotional drivers are powerful. They often operate outside of conscious awareness, shaping your decisions in subtle ways.
For instance, a strong drive for achievement may not only be about success—it may also be about avoiding the feeling of inadequacy. A desire for independence may not only reflect a love of freedom—it may also be a way of avoiding vulnerability. Recognizing these emotional dimensions adds depth to your understanding.
Multiple Motivations, Not Just One
It is tempting to look for a single “true” motivation. In reality, your behavior is often shaped by multiple, sometimes conflicting motivations.
You might pursue a career because you enjoy the work, want financial security, seek recognition, and wish to contribute to something meaningful—all at once.
You might stay in a relationship because you value connection, fear loneliness, feel a sense of obligation, and hope for change.
These motivations can coexist. They can also pull in different directions. Self-coaching involves acknowledging this complexity:
- “What are all the motivations at play here?”
- “Which feel aligned with my values?”
- “Which feel driven by fear or habit?”
By recognizing multiple motivations, you move beyond simplistic explanations and toward a more nuanced understanding.
Motivation and Misalignment
One of the most important reasons to explore your motivations is to identify misalignment. Misalignment occurs when your actions are driven by motivations that do not fully reflect what matters to you. You may find yourself pursuing goals that feel hollow, engaging in activities that drain you, or maintaining patterns that no longer serve you.
For example:
- You might pursue a prestigious path because it brings recognition, even though it does not align with your deeper interests.
- You might overcommit to helping others because it earns approval, while neglecting your own needs.
- You might avoid taking risks because of fear, even though you value growth and exploration.
In these cases, your behavior is coherent—but not necessarily aligned with your values. Self-coaching helps you notice this:
- “Does this motivation support the kind of life I want?”
- “Is this coming from what matters to me, or from something else?”
This awareness creates the possibility of adjustment.
The Role of Habit and Conditioning
Not all motivations are consciously chosen. Many are shaped by habit and conditioning. You may have learned, early on, that certain behaviors are rewarded and others are discouraged. Over time, these patterns become internalized. For example:
- Being praised for achievement may lead to a strong motivation to succeed.
- Being criticized for mistakes may lead to a motivation to avoid risk.
- Being valued for helping others may lead to a pattern of self-sacrifice.
These motivations can persist long after the original context has changed. Self-coaching involves revisiting these patterns:
- “Where might this motivation have come from?”
- “Is it still relevant to my life now?”
- “Do I want to continue being guided by it?”
This is not about rejecting your past, but about updating your motivations in light of your present reality.
Clarifying What You Truly Want
Recognizing your core motivations is closely linked to clarifying what you truly want. When you are unclear about your motivations, your desires may also feel vague or conflicted. You may pursue something and then lose interest, or feel uncertain about your direction. By understanding what is driving you, you gain clarity:
- “What am I actually seeking here?”
- “What would feel genuinely satisfying to me?”
- “What am I willing to commit to?”
This clarity does not eliminate uncertainty, but it provides a stronger foundation for decision-making.
Working with Motivations in Real Time
Self-coaching is not only retrospective. You can also examine your motivations in the moment. When you are about to make a decision, you might pause and ask:
- “Why am I choosing this?”
- “What is motivating me right now?”
- “Does this align with what matters to me?”
This brief pause can be powerful. It brings your motivations into awareness before they are translated into action. You may find that some choices feel more intentional when viewed in this way, while others invite reconsideration.
From Awareness to Adjustment
Awareness of your motivations is the first step. The next step is deciding what to do with that awareness. You may choose to:
- Strengthen motivations that align with your values
- Gently challenge motivations that are fear-based or outdated
- Experiment with new ways of acting that reflect your deeper priorities
For example:
- If you notice that fear of failure is limiting you, you might take small, manageable risks.
- If you see that a need for approval is driving your choices, you might practice setting boundaries.
- If you recognize a genuine desire for creativity, you might make space for it in your daily life.
These adjustments do not need to be dramatic. Small shifts, repeated over time, can lead to meaningful change.
A More Honest Relationship with Yourself
Recognizing your core motivations is, at its heart, an act of honesty. It requires you to look beyond surface explanations and to acknowledge the complexity of your inner life. You may discover motivations that feel admirable and others that feel less so. Both are part of being human.
The aim is not to judge yourself, but to understand yourself. From that understanding, you gain greater freedom. You are less driven by unseen forces and more able to choose your direction consciously.
Living with Awareness
Your motivations will continue to evolve. New experiences, new challenges, and new insights will shape them over time. The practice, then, is ongoing:
- Notice what drives you
- Reflect on whether it aligns with what matters to you
- Adjust as needed
In self-coaching, this awareness becomes a steady companion. It helps you move from automatic behavior to intentional living. And as you become more attuned to your motivations, your life begins to feel more coherent—not because it is simpler, but because it is more consciously lived. You may still ask, “Why am I doing this?” But the answers you find will be clearer, more grounded, and more truly your own.
Dr. Eric Maisel introduces existential wellness coaching as a holistic approach that recognizes how physical and psychological well-being are intrinsically connected to our sense of purpose, meaning, and authenticity. Grounded in concepts from existential philosophy, this practical guide helps coaches, therapists, and other mental health practitioners deepen their work with clients to address existential challenges, and to help clients develop the resilience to maintain existential well-being in challenging times. Unlike traditional coaching that focuses solely on goals or conventional therapy that treats symptoms, existential wellness coaching empowers clients to confront life’s fundamental questions while developing concrete strategies for living with greater intention. Each chapter systematically addresses core existential concerns, including self-relationship, value identification, purpose creation, meaning-making, authenticity, and developing a personal life philosophy.
Offering new ways of thinking about common existential issues, this book contains tools that will help coaches enable their clients to make life-changing shifts and necessary mental reframes.
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