There are no winners in the game of cheating.
Once you discover you’ve been cheated on, you feel lied to, hurt and destroyed. And what’s worse than the discovery of cheating is the realisation you need to move on.
This is the process of learning to trust again, learning to enjoy your relationships, and regain your ability to be happy within love.
From being cheated on, I wasn’t sure I could become whole again. ‘Would I ever stop looking over my shoulder?’ I would ask. Are all men going to hurt me? Will every man I ever date cheat on me?
I had to find a place where I would stop asking those questions. I had to find a place where I could accept that it happened and carry on with my life.
How I moved on from my cheating partner was tough. But ultimately, I got through it.
Cut The Cheater Off
If you’ve made the choice to break up and move on with your life, you don’t need your ex hanging around like a bad smell.
You’re hurt, and you need to hurt without them confusing your feelings. Or trying to get back into your life when your emotions are vulnerable.
My cheating ex was always trying to manipulate the story, and twist my emotions, so I would forgive him.
But the more he hung around, the harder it was to forgive him. Instead, I would relive the moment I found out again and again. It was like I was stuck on day one, the cheating equivalent of Groundhog day, and I couldn’t break the cycle.
Someone I knew suggested I delete him from my phone. Or at least stop responding to his text messages. I thought this option was unnecessarily drastic. I’m an adult, I reasoned, and I don’t need to hide the cookies in the cookie jar, so to speak.
But when I took action and deleted his number from my phone, moving on started to happen.
He didn’t deserve my attention, anyway.
Learn It Isn’t All About You, Despite What Your Scorn Implies
People cheat for many reasons. And for the endless number of reasons that people cheat on their partner, the reason is rarely about you. This is despite the cheater’s favourite past time is deflecting blame.
A cheater may try to blame you. My ex-boyfriend told me I wasn’t there when he needed me. That because I was at home, and not available to him for physical attention, he cheated. If I had been with him, he reasoned, there would be no need for him to cheat.
Cheaters will find reasons to ease their guilt. It will feel like unreasonable blame, especially if they don’t care about you.
From my experience of being a cheater, and being cheated on, we cheat because:
- Boredom — in general, or in the relationship
- Habit — once a cheater, it’s often hard to break
- Lack of sexual activity within the relationship — from loneliness, neglect, or change in circumstance
- Lack of sexual exploration within the relationship
- Settling — getting into a relationship you regret
- Rebellion — trying to revolt against settling down
- Opportunity — because you can and get away with it
- Better — because something better came along
- Hoping for better — hoping to find something better
- Tension — because your relationship is at an all-time low
- Pressure — because that’s what they think they should do
- Intrigue — this goes hand in hand with boredom
- Unfulfilled — looking for something to give or a relationship meaning
Once you come to terms that the cheating isn’t a direct reflection of you as a person and that you aren’t wholly to blame, you can move on.
Learn To Forgive, For Your Future
If you don’t learn to forgive, your experience dooms your next relationship. Forgiveness of cheating is one of the most difficult parts of the moving on process. Yet, it’s necessary if you want to form meaningful relationships with lovers in the future.
Without forgiveness, it’s impossible not to assume every other person is going to cheat on us too. But not everyone we date is a cheater. Not everyone is going to let us down.
Don’t Take The Cheating Lying Down
When I broke up with my ex when he cheated on me, naturally our friends wanted to know what happened. I told them what happened, unapologetically telling them exactly what he did. I was angry at the time, and it was an undignified recounting, but he deserved it. He humiliated me, and I didn’t deserve it.
When we broke up, he told people we ‘grew apart’. This only intensified my anger and my inappropriate reaction.
As the victim of cheating, you need to feel like you have your day. You need the sympathetic smiles from the people around you. You need your friends and family to hate them for how they’ve treated you. You need that moment to wallow in the anger.
When you put it out into the universe that someone can cheat on you and ‘get away with it’, you invite the repeat behavior. A part of moving on is getting the experience off your chest.
Cleanse Yourself Of People Who Don’t Support You
When my ex cheated on me, our mutual friends sided with him. Though he introduced me to those friends, I couldn’t believe they stood by someone who did something so awful. I didn’t understand it. I couldn’t comprehend it.
I was the one grieving, hurting, and they supported the person who tormented me.
But cheating divides loyalty within friends and family. The people around you will act in uncertain and weird ways. There will be the people who will support you blindly, and those who will turn your back on you.
To the ones who don’t stand by you, get rid of them out of your life. With them hanging around, it’s as bad as your ex still being in the picture.
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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