“I don’t understand why we can’t be friends,” he says.
“You don’t really want to be friends,” I say. “You want her back.”
“No,” he says. “I just want to be friends.”
“You’ve been trying to get her back every day for three months,” I say. “You want to be more than friends. You can’t expect that yet. At least, not in this short time frame. Maybe one day you’ll be able to bridge that gap.”
“Really,” he says. “I miss her. I just want to be friends. I want her to be happy.”
“I believe you want her to be happy,” I say. “I’ve dated for nearly a year. If I saw one man that’s probably the first question I would ask him, ‘Are you happy?’ It would be genuine. I hope he is happy. It’s what we want for those we once cared about. But you have to be honest with yourself.”
“I am,” he says.
“No,” I say. “You aren’t. You’re lying to yourself. If the same man asked me if I was happy, I would respond with a yes. It would be an honest answer. I’m happy. But a more honest answer would be, ‘I’m happy but I was happier with you.’”
My friend is quiet, he looks defeated.
He’s hoping for a foot in the door with his ex-girlfriend.
I know she’s done.
Do I think you can be friends with an ex?
Absolutely.
I’m friends with nearly every man I’ve dated. I’m still buddies with my first love, my high school boyfriend, and guys that I’ve dated for less time. The only person I’m no longer friends with is my ex-husband.
I love that the guys I once loved are happy.
I love that they’ve built beautiful families, and adore their wives, and children. I love that life turned out the way they hoped it would. I love that our bonds never faded.
Friendship is possible.
Men and women can be buddies after heartbreak.
But that type of endurance is built.
It takes a long time to appreciate that happiness without wishing you were a part of it. It’s a great goal, hoping for the joy of someone you once held in your heart.
In theory, you can wish for your ex to be happy after you break up.
You can proclaim it.
“I want my ex to be happy.”
It’s much harder to witness. It’s impossible to be with a person regularly after a breakup. It’s agonizing to see them moving on, to have it staring you in the face.
You have to graduate to that.
It has to arrive long after you want that person back.
You can’t be friends when it wouldn’t be your first choice. When you still wish you could be with that person. If your heart still aches when you see them.
Friendship isn’t possible.
You’re lying to yourself.
You’re telling yourself anything that you believe will get you closer to that person.
If not, you have to accept it’s over. They no longer want you. They’ve moved on. The relationship has ended. Your heart isn’t going to get what it wants.
It’s a romantic reality.
It’s just too painful to digest.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
From The Good Men Project on Medium
 |
 |
 |
 |
***
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—–
Photo credit: leah hetteberg on Unsplash
