My Hiatus

Defeat.

That is the word that kept bouncing off the walls of my skull. The word that dragged me to my knees and made me take ten steps back after my one step forward.

I was starting to do my motivational speaking, seeing a great girl, and most importantly I was happy with myself.

As the budding relationship with the girl deteriorated before my eyes, so did my self-worth. Along with that, the new business efforts were halted. I was glued to my bed, and genuinely didn’t think I’d be able to get myself out of this one.

However, through every struggle comes a lesson. I realized that seeing a new person in my life added pressure to create a substantial income.

That pressure led me to get depressed, and obviously self-sabotage the relationship that was just budding.

Once that was gone, I was paralyzed. My will to live was gone. The suicidal thoughts whirled through my brain constantly, along with the thought, “I’m not deserving of happiness.”

What a crock of shit right?

Not deserving of happiness. We all have this equal shot, we get one go at it (maybe), and we need to make the best of it. Why do so many of us just accept the thought that we aren’t worthy of the “oh so elusive” happiness?

Well, this post is my reminder to myself, and obviously you that we’re worth it!

There has been no creature to walk this earth more deserving than me, nor one less deserving. We all have the privilege of life!

What got me out of the depression?

Well, this is tricky. As a guy who is trying his hand at motivational speaking, I would love to tell you I just willed myself up out of bed and carried on.

However, that is far from the truth. I am the best man for my buddy who is having his wedding in just over a month. I was so depressed this past weekend that I missed the bachelor party.

The anxiety crippled me, the depression choked me, then the shame beat me while I was down.

The thing I want most is to be there for my friend and this illness took that away from me this past weekend. To say the least, no one waved a magic wand and cured me of my depression. Also, it was not an easy thing to do like some motivational guys will tell you.

I had to do things in steps. Therefore, I devised a plan. I was going to start giving a shit about myself just a little bit at a time.

That’s it.

I started to go for walks, started eating a little better, doing workouts, and basically cut alcohol out entirely. These small alterations to my everyday routine were pivotal in my recovering from this massive month-long depression.

Along with those little self-help exercises, I did something I’ve never heard of before. For all I know, it could be a well-known tactic to help overcome depressive episodes. If it is, keep it to yourself and let me have this one. I’m begging you.

I went from not waking up all day, to setting my alarm a little earlier each and every day. I’m not joking I would set an alarm for noon, then the next day 11:45 AM, and so on. I did this until I would wake up at a normal humanly hour.

After missing the bachelor party, am I cured? No.

Am I feeling ready to go out and function? Absolutely.

I started sending out emails of a news story that was done for me, by my local news about suicide prevention in order to lock in some gigs for this new venture (no luck yet) and am just taking it day by day. One of my more major issues is applying too much pressure on myself, then breaking down.

My new goal is just doing what I can for the day, taking breaks, and working at a rate that I will be able to sustain without having a full-blown meltdown.

I guess the moral of this rant is simple. Small acts of self-kindness can go a long way. However, if you don’t take the time to notice what is wrong, and detect the triggers as to why you feel the way you do, it will be a whole lot harder to manage your symptoms.

Take care, and good luck!

—

This post was previously published on Medium.com.

***