For me, the theater has opened up an entirely new world of possibilities. It allows me to explore the complexities of humanity, simply by sitting in an audience. And I love it.
Last night, I had the pleasure of watching the Broadway musical, Waitress.
From the website:
“Inspired by Adrienne Shelly’s beloved film, WAITRESS tells the story of Jenna, a waitress and expert pie maker who dreams of a way out of her small town and loveless marriage. A baking contest in a nearby county and the town’s new doctor may offer her a chance at a fresh start, while her fellow waitresses offer their own recipes for happiness. But Jenna must summon the strength and courage to rebuild her own life.”
I was blown away by not only the story, but how it came to life on the stage. Throughout the show, however, I found my mind circling back to a certain character, and probably not a character you would expect if you’ve seen the movie or the musical. The character I kept returning to was Earl. Earl’s role in the story is an antagonist to our heroine, Jenna. Besides feeling disgust toward him, and taking the time to “boo” him at the end of the show (which the audience did), most probably do not give the one dimensional Earl a second thought.
From the opening scene, we see that Earl and Jenna’s marriage isn’t a happy one. We watch how Earl mistreats Jenna, how he is verbally abusive, neglectful, and even hints at the fact that he could become physically violent toward Jenna.
If you have followed my writing, you know that a recurring theme I discuss is toxic masculinity. Earl displays a lot of the traits that can make masculinity harmful. And as I continued to watch, I felt more and more convinced that toxic masculinity isn’t a concrete category; that it isn’t a simple check the box, right or wrong, but rather, a sliding scale. Toxic masculinity exists on a broad spectrum. And as we look at men who display toxic masculinity, we have to discuss the degree to which it is happening.
This is why the conversation around Aziz Ansari is so imperative when talking about the broader concept of masculinity. Is he as bad as Harvey Weinstein? Definitely not. Is he a bad guy? Probably not, but who knows. What we do know is that he did something unacceptable…and wrong.
Just like Earl.
And just like me.
I pride myself on only writing the truth as I see it. I’ve never written a word that I don’t feel with my whole heart is accurate. With that mentality in mind, I’d be a fraud if I didn’t write about my own mistakes.
As I watched Earl on the screen, I couldn’t help but draw the parallels between him and myself. I couldn’t help but be embarrassed because, to varying degrees, I have treated people just as poorly in my lifetime.
In Batman Begins, Rachel Dawes says to Bruce Wayne, “…deep down you may still be that great kid you used to be, but it’s not who you are underneath, it’s what you *do* that defines you.”. I believe that sentiment is one hundred percent correct. And I think it is applicable currently.
Over the last several months, I’ve been facing a rough time. I have been forced to take a hard look in the mirror, and I don’t necessarily like who I see. I’ve been lost, scared, lonely, and hurting. And in facing my own shortcomings, insecurities, and fears, I haven’t dealt with my emotions properly. In fact, I’ve been dealing with my emotions in exactly the ways I’ve been writing and speaking out against.
I’ve been lashing out at those around me, the people I love the most in the world. I’ve been saying hurtful things because I know they hurt. By lashing out, I am able to be angry, and for me, it’s easier to be angry than hurt, or scared, or to feel anything else, really… It is easier to project those feelings onto others, rather than myself.
It is selfish. I am being selfish. And there is no excuse.
To make matters worse, when the guilt and shame over my actions set in, instead of confronting those feelings, or apologizing like I should, I drown myself in alcohol.
So now, while writing sober, I would like to make a public apology. I am sincerely sorry for the hurt that I’ve caused. I apologize for being an asshole.
I would like to hold myself publicly accountable in order to avoid these behaviors in the future. Every week, at the close of my column, I’d like to include a sentence or two about how I am coping. And hopefully, by my readers keeping me honest, and by sharing my story and what I do wrong, together we can become healthier, better men, and possibly even find a slice of Jenna’s Pursuit of Happiness pie.
Furthermore, near the climactic moments of Batman Begins, Bruce Wayne, as Batman, saves Rachel Dawes and a small child. In response, Rachel asks him his name, as he could die while headed back into the city to face Ra’s Al Ghul. Batman responds “It’s not who I am underneath, but what I *do* that defines me.”. Actions speak louder than words, and this is my attempt to change my actions.
So look for the closing section of each article, titled “Weekly Dose of Pursuit of Happiness Pie” in honor of Jenna, and who I hope to become.
Weekly Dose of Pursuit of Happiness Pie
This week I took a massive step in opening up about my problems with anger and alcohol. I hope I can continue to work on this and continue to speak openly about it.
Feel free to reach out to me if you’d like to continue the conversation no one else is having. You can find my contact info here.
#WordsThatMatter
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This post is republished on Medium.
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