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When it comes to “saving face” I must admit that I am miserably a toxic male. This aspect of “toxic masculinity” has caused me the most problems, both, in my past and current life. Largely impacted by my issues with “control” and “success,” I have always struggled with asking for help or admitting to others that I am flailing.
Anyone who knows me, personally, knows I say very little about my personal or professional lives. I keep the inner-workings of my head to myself. I do not divulge a lot about the struggles that I go through. For that matter, I do not really talk much about the positive things, either. Reflecting, I tend to associate my own short-comings with personal failure, which automatically kick-start feelings of shame and inadequacy.
Of course, I do my best to avoid these feelings, so I ruminate and obsess about my problems, locking-out any available sources of assistance I may have at my disposal within my own social support circle. Ultimately, I always manage to find a way out of my messes but usually at a cost. Moodiness pushes the people closest to me away. I become distracted and work inevitably suffers. I feel alone and unsupported, giving way to feelings of resentment towards the people around me that I initially chose to shut-out in the first place. It is a toxic cycle, indeed.
The year 2018 has been a beast of a year for me. Lots of unexpected change has occurred, compounded with losses—financial and otherwise—that have been devastating and all too humbling. While there have undoubtedly been opportunities to reach out for help, I chose not to do so. Why? Because the need to “save face” runs deep within my psyche; moreover, it only seems to make sense to hold on to what little pride you have left when all else seems lost.
Per usual, I always turn things around. A lifetime of solitarily fending-off the slings and arrows that life sends my way has taught me a trick of two about survival over the years. In a way, I have learned resilience through my resistance to seek help. While grateful, I also know that the only reason my life has been so hard is that I have chosen to make it so.
My need to put my best face forward has bled into all aspects of my life, especially work. I am often considered to be a “team player,” but in reality, I am just a person who does not say, “No.” In my mind, telling someone I cannot do something is the same as saying, “I don’t have the capability to do it.” Saying that without feeling “less than” would be impossible, so I take on more than I should and figure out how to balance-out all the chaos later. Hopefully, I will figure out how to make that work before mandatory-retirement.
I definitely have to change this aspect of myself in 2019. Life does not slow down, regardless of the fact that our plates are full. Learning how to better manage the weight of it all seems like the most logical thing to do; however, no one says we have to carry it all on our own. I am going to try and allow others to support me during times of challenge and see how that feels for a while. Maybe it will be nice not having to be an “island” all the time.
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What’s your take on what you just read? Comment below or write a response and submit to us your own point of view or reaction here at the red box, below, which links to our submissions portal.
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Sign up for our Writing Prompts email to receive writing inspiration in your inbox twice per week.
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Photo credit: Patrick Fore on Unsplash