The only request that I had while my wife and I were planning our wedding was that we write our own vows. Getting married today can often feel more about centerpieces and venues and food and DJs than the profound act of merging two lives. We were engaged and married within three months; we found being intentional about taking the time to reflect on our relationship leading up to marriage and thinking deeply about how we wanted our marriage to operate to be an important final step before — ahem — the bells tolled.
In writing our own vows, we also were given the opportunity to share a moment of intense personal connection, publicly. And let’s be honest: the things you say in your vows are not things you are likely to say to each other anywhere else than at the alter.
My vows were introspective insofar as they shared how my views on marriage had changed after I found my wife. I tried to weave in our religious beliefs, our personal stories, our favorite songs and movies, and a little inside humor. I tried to share intentions for the best of times and the worst of times, for the grand moments and the boring Tuesday nights.
Most importantly, my vows were written to hold me accountable to my wife. She can point to them at any time (our vows are in a book with our wedding photos on the coffee table) and let me know when I’ve broken a promise. She can — and does beautifully — also remind me in the moment when I am dutifully living by my vows.
My marriage is the most important thing in my life. So the spirit of my vows also spills into my daily life and my interactions with people who are not my wife. My principal commitment is to her but I don’t believe I can keep my promises to her without my vows guiding my behavior, at all times. Mostly, this means being deliberate about giving others grace, about choosing my words carefully in heated moments, about setting clear expectations and boundaries, and, finally, zooming out to understand the larger context.
The Vows
The beautiful thing about marriage is that it is common and universal, yet so undeniably unique and personal. We all bind ourselves together with somebody who we believe will comfort us, protect us, laugh with us, and encourage us. We search for marriage because we find meaning in marriage. And when we fall deeply in love — like I have with you — it evokes a true sense of wonder. As if we were always intended to intertwine our lives and, in some ways, couldn’t really control it from happening.
Yet we’re all broken and messy souls. We have unique histories and weird habits and no matter how much two people love each other, it’s just never perfect. But that’s what makes what we’re doing so special. We are vowing to be our broken, messy, unique and imperfect selves together in marriage — the most beautiful of institutions, that we are obligated to treasure and continuously demonstrate its necessity in this world.
We will love each other gently and endlessly, though time will surely pass swiftly. We will have mostly boring days and a few eventual ones; we will have times of great joy and stretches of debilitating sorrow. Through it all, we will wrap ourselves in a love that penetrates the fractured places of our souls. And a love that kindles a pure, strong flame that fuses you and me together.
You’ve brought a new peace to my life, Lauren. You fascinate and inspire me. You center me. You affirm me. I am bound to you.
I promise to love you fiercely, without reservation.
I promise to always remember that this is a lifetime commitment, and to always know in the deepest part of my being that we can always find our way back to one another.
I promise to carry all of your burdens, and be the wind at your back.
I promise to cherish and protect the families that we have, and the family that we will become.
I promise to make sure I’m not just hungry before I yell at you, and I promise to focus a lot more on my shortcomings and a lot less on yours.
I promise to speak when words are needed, and remain silent when they are not.
I promise to listen until you feel heard, as long as that may take.
I promise to not ask you to change in ways that I am unwilling to change.
I promise to go where you go.
I promise to be your person, in every way. To walk humbly, to act justly, and to never forsake you.
These are my promises. From now until forever, for sickness and in health, as long as we both shall live.
As a husband, my aim is to make things better for my wife. I strive to encourage her when she does good for herself and carefully redirect her when cynicism and destructiveness creep into her mind. This is a demanding challenge.
But my vows, and their impact on my daily habits, help keep that aim central to my being.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
—
Photo credit: Nicole Williams on Unsplash