My Wife Has an Eating Disorder

By  Steele Campbell

Eating disorders are horrifyingly common. Often unseen, they can affect someone in your household without anyone else, including you, knowing.  According to UNC Chapel Hill, 75% of women across all races, ethnicities and ages report disordered eating behaviors.  She may know this of herself, she may tell her friends, children are often aware (and influenced), but husbands and partners are often the last to find out.

Although struggling with food can be isolating, the journey to a healthy relationship with food doesn’t have to be taken alone.  We asked Lydia Knight, the founder of Beat the Binge, a charitable company whose mission is to end eating disorders and free women from every cage, how to best support those we love in their journey to food freedom.

“It can be difficult to know how best to support recovery when there is not even awareness of an issue,” Knight says. “After coaching thousands of women to freedom, we have found that children are more aware of their mother’s eating disorder than expected and husbands are less so. Our clients often say things like, I push him away and don’t want him to touch me. He has no idea it’s because I am recovering from my last binge.”

Even in close, long-term partnerships disordered eating can stay hidden.  Knight tells of one client that did not tell her husband of 40 years about her life-long struggle with food until she found her food freedom.  Luckily, that is not always the case.  Knight detailed how one of her clients involved her husband early and enlisted him in her search for the cure.

Lindsey, a nurse and mother of two, suffered for years with bulimia, which is binging on food and then purging by throwing it up–and which can cause instant death (Hall and Cohn).  Her husband, Dr. Trent, was not aware of Lindsey’s bulimia when they married or for years afterward. Eventually, Lindsey could not keep her secret anymore.  She wrote him a letter detailing everything.  With tears in her eyes, Lindsey handed her husband the letter and left the house.  Dr. Trent thought she was divorcing him, but after reading the letter and realizing her struggle, he decided to fully support her in her freedom.

Lindsey’s bravery to share her struggle was met by Dr. Trent’s openness and deep love for his spouse. From his medical experience, he knew how vital true support could be.  No one should have to grow alone.  Though it can be hard to know what to do.  If your loved one does open up, Knight shares these three key factors so you can show up as the best partner in her freedom.

Believe Her:

Having an eating disorder feels like an addiction. You have strong urges to binge and then strong urges to restrict. Often you are thinking about food and your body constantly.  It feels impossible to shut off the food thoughts. Because of this cycle, you may hear conflicting desires. One day it can be, “Let’s go out for dessert,” and the next, “I could not possibly eat dessert.”

Even if the desires are not consistent, believe her and validate her decisions at that moment.  They may change later, possibly many times.  This is part of the struggle, and part of her.

If she feels judgment, she is likely to share less and be more alone in her journey.  Dr. Trent knew that Lindsey needed him on her side so they could find help together.  Coming together would not be possible unless he believed what she had written to him and each of her stated desires as they searched for help together.

Be Allowing With Food:

Part of food freedom is letting go of diet mentality and restriction. This can seem like a big change. If she told you before, “Please hide the peanut butter so I don’t binge on it,” and then you see her eating peanut butter the next day, it would be destructive to ask, “Should you be eating that?” An eating disorder can feel like someone or something that is not yourself telling you what you can, can’t, should, and shouldn’t eat.  Don’t echo that voice.

Instead, show your support with a phrase like, “You can eat whatever you want. I will continue to love you and support you.” Show allowance, permission, lack of judgment, and acceptance.   This will give her greater strength than any advice.

Be Her Hero:

After Dr. Trent read Lindsey’s letter explaining her struggle with food and they had a chance to talk, he looked at the woman he loved and told her something so powerful: “If you have an eating disorder, then I have an eating disorder.”  When Lindsey found Beat the Binge, an innovative and proven program, Dr. Trent fully supported her decision for the treatment she needed.

Lindsey is now fully free from her struggle with food. She recently sent Knight a Christmas card with a picture of the whole family and a beautiful note saying, “You saved my life and showed me that freedom really is possible.” Lindsey, Trent, and their two wonderful children stood together on the card, the same way they stood together for Lindsey.  Knight concluded, “I felt tremendous gratitude for how the whole family was on-board for her freedom.”

The journey to freedom is an individual one where women step into their power and decision to take their lives back. But an individual journey doesn’t have to be one taken alone. With heroic husbands who believe and support their wives, this becomes a better world for us all.

To see a video of Lindsey and Dr. Trent sharing their story, go here  https://youtu.be/WEdTcoGuS4Y

Hall, L., & Cohn, L. (1986). Bulimia: A guide to recovery ; understanding & overcoming the binge-purge syndrome. Gurze.

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